Bound by habits...

I have, as so many of us have, always prayed for action and adventure, freedom and excitement, a little disorder and a certain disregard for rules !! I hated to be bound by rules, to be a creature of habit ! As a teenager, or perhaps well into my early twenties, I wanted my life to be unpredictable, to have a certain element of surprise, to be free of rules laid down by my parents, friends, family, school, college or the society…. I hated rules… !!

And then, as the quarter century mark of my life approached, I moved away from home for my higher education (it was a long time ago now) and I came to a new city and set up my new world. A tiny room of my own in a lush green campus, with friends I chose and in a life I wanted. I had all the freedom I wanted, to decide the what, when, where, how, why and with whom of my life…

And then five years down the lane, I suddenly realized the other day, that despite all the freedom I had, I was still a creature of habit..... Deep down inside, I liked a certain predictability in my life, a rhythm, a pattern…

I hate getting up late and going to the lab late (no rule ever mentioned that and no one can force me to it but I go early cos I like it that way),
I hate staying up late - can't keep myself awake beyond ten or eleven on most days :( (a big complaint for all my friends and even i miss out on a lot of midnight movies and the pointless banter that happens at night)
I hate eating outside the mess (except of course on those rare days when I just want to binge)
I hate missing my two cups of strong filter coffee a day - this is my big and only addiction :)
I hate missing my newspaper (I seem to be unable to have my breakfast in peace without the newspaper)
I have a certain timing for my meals and don’t like them to change
I like my Monday to Saturday work plan with a break on Sunday :)
I like sleeping In my room (and my room only), with my blanket (they've been my sleeping partners for so long that i just miss them)
I like my room clean (and this fetish I am told borders on OCD but then, everyone is allowed one freakishness !!!)
I like reading before I hit the bed be it even for that minute or two before i drift off - I sleep with a book in a hand (and trust me, i do sleep reaaally fast... :) !! A blessing at times but then as with all other things, a nuisance at other times !! )
I can't eat without taking a bath (its weird but brushing alone does not help !!)
I am sure my friends can count out many more such habits (weird, crazy, irrational, habits, idiosyncrasies) which are so much a part of me that even i don't realize... !!

A few days back, I realized that deep down inside, I was a creature of habit like my parents had been… I was becoming parents.... I only wanted to pick and choose my habits, and not to be blindly led into them.

I guess, I am old now and lack the indiscipline and the brashness of a teenager. I guess I do like a sense of order in my life… !! But then, at the same time, it is not that I am ready for the mundane monotony of everyday life, staid and stagnant… Its not that I don’t want adventure or excitement or travel or any of those fun things… I do more so than ever BUT on my own terms.... At the same time then, I have a rhythm and I like being in that flow because it tells me deep down inside that all is well… I guess we all like that constancy in our life to suggest that things are normal and as usual... that the world is as it was yesterday and that I will get through it ...

Perhaps that's the reason or perhaps not .... !!!

Meandering in my mind's spaces.....

The rational and the logical part of the human mind is a rather distinct entity from the emotional which is probably what gave rise to the heart - mind duality as it exists even today. Human emotions are far from rational, yet they are powerful enough to direct the course of history!

I was having a rather innocuous conversation the other day which began with my cribbing about having to do something that I didn't feel like. My friend, bearing the brunt of my cribbing, of course supported me and said that one should only do things you want to and not because you have to. True, very true! This is something I have always believed in, being a non-conformist who has often supported an existence and relationships based on beliefs and desire than on need and opportunism (to clarify, I hate people who are cordial and polite when they really dislike you, only out of social propriety - that really gets to me to no end !!). But then at this point in the conversation, I realized that I was saying the exact opposite of what I believed in. I had done things and was in fact going to do things simply because I thought them to be right… not because I wanted to do them… this of course raised a question of some importance, What do we do ? How do we choose our actions ? Do we choose the right things to do (when we have that clarity of course) or do we do what we want to do ? Is doing the right thing always a more difficult option to exercise ? Is following one's heart always easy ? {Imagine a situation - someone you really dislike from the bottom of your heart (for follies of their own) is in a spot of bother and requests you for help… your desire would be to refuse any help and move on … but the right thing would be to do what you can to help)… What do you do ?

Complicating matters further is the realization is that a lot of times in life, we do not necessarily want the right things in life (starting from that innocuous extra chocolate or ice cream when on a diet to desiring the company of a person for the rest of your life who you think may not be the best for you - questions of varies magnitude and implications !!!)… the heart does have mysterious ways and it does want things which are not always right…

We end up listening to our heart more often than not, we indulge, we form relationships based on our likes and dislikes… We don’t always do the right thing… We go with our instincts and I always thought that was the way to go because then I am the only person responsible for my actions and I have no one else to blame. I have always believed in minimizing pretenses and not giving false impressions (to the extent that I can appear cold and insensitive and maybe even scary to strangers)… But the fact is that when I care for someone, I do it with all my heart and soul and with all the honesty I can muster… The people in my life are the most important to me and I don’t really care what the rest of the world thinks… but then the other day, I realized that more often than not when it comes to a question of choosing between the right thing to do and my choices, I almost always chose to do the right thing. Why do I deny myself happiness, this freedom to do what I want to ? What prevented me from following the selfish course I so often preach and instead resort to doing the right thing ? I don’t expect anyone to do it, then why do I ? Am I scared of being happy or am I scared of guilt ? I guess, the answer lies somewhere between these two… I am scared of being happy since I know it will not last forever and when melancholy comes calling It would hit me hard. But I probably do so because of guilt… If I don’t do the right thing, I will never be able to feel happy… I will never be able to redirect the blame for the injustices meted out by fate, I will have to bear with all that goes wrong in my life (as it more than occasionally does) to be a result of my actions… I will be responsible for all the "bad" that happens in my life (perhaps in a more mystic and karmic way but hey what goes around comes around !!)… I guess, I just choose the easier way out when I decide to do the right thing in my life. It does perhaps take more courage sometimes to follow your heart and not do the right thing… !!!

I guess our choices and our actions are all contextual… its just about perspectives and the shifts therein… !!

Life is indeed a box of chocolates...

Life is a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to pick out.

This statement is true in more than a metaphorical way… life is indeed like chocolates…

Life is indeed a box of chocolates,
you never know what you are going to pick out first.
A little bitter and a little sweet,
A little addictive and a little irresistible.
Sometimes melting in your mouth, smooth like the cream ,
but sometimes flaky like a scream.
Sometimes dark and bitter,
at other times its warm and tender.
In myriad shapes and colors,
And in many different flavors.
Life is indeed a box of chocolates,
you never know what you are going to pick out next... !!

And I love chocolates... :)

Wading through the past...

I am always surprised by how much people remember about their childhoods.... I am somehow always a little lost when it comes to remembering my childhood. I don't remember much perhaps as a consequence of the limited hard disk that i was configured with (I show signs of it even now, so it is not that i had selective memory loss in my childhood) :). But then, every time, i go down memory lane and clear out the cobwebs crowding my vision, i see only a few things ....

I remember my efforts at cursive writing at my dad's insistence... everyday, for many months on end (or probably even years) i would religiously write the following sentence and i could not stop being amazed at the fact this sentence contained all the letters in the English alphabet... "A quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dogs".

I remember my visits to the book shops when i would want to buy soooooo many books (books are something i still find hard to resist). My love for stationary is something which is still unabated although the electronics age has diluted my passions. What better smell than that of fresh paper and ink ! What's better than the feel of fresh, crisp sheets of paper. I love the smell of old, hard bound books as well but the fear of the dust (ingrained by the fear of an asthma attack) do curb my adventures amidst piles of old books !

I can still remember those letters which i used to write to my thatha (grandpa) detailing my studies, exams and results. I always used to feel special when i received a reply. Well, it was special because in a big family with nearly a dozen cousins, i was the only grandchild who still wrote letters... He made me feel so special then! With time of course, the letters became far and few till they ultimately stopped and now i don't have him around to write to... I still love writing letters and find them extremely romantic but then the fact is that it is a lost culture now... !!

My brother… he was a source of constant joy as this cherubic, cute little kid. I remember as a 5 year old praying (I was not my thinking self by then !!) for a little brother to play with and finally, I had my bundle of joy when I was seven. He was my dream come true though I didn’t always like him being the centre of attention, my complaints were only with my parents and not with him. I still remember teaching him to walk and talk and write all before time… I couldn’t wait for him to grow up and play with me! By the age of one, I had given a pencil in his hand to try and teach him numbers…. He was and still is the apple of my eye, the witty little one who can keep blabbering for ever mindless of the time or the distances… Love you bro !! :)

Those weekly ice cream parties at home when appa would buy a huge brick of ice cream (once a week or a fortnight) and cut it into 4 and i and my brother would keep eying each others share... :) So much excitement for an ice cream... !! That's problem with growing up... you stop valuing these tiny pleasures that come your way....

Maggi at lunch used to be a feast... :) I remember how much i had to cajole amma to make maggi and not idly or dosa for lunch (sucking in those long, spindly threads was exciting) ... And, now comes a time when maggi is the food for the sick days in the room and a good appam or a dosa seems like such a delight... how much times change... !!

I can't but remember "biscuit aunty", a wonderful malayalee aunty who used to live close by and had an amazing terrace garden... ( i used to envy her gardening skills and i sooo wanted to have a garden in our third floor apartment !! Now, I can only imagine my mom's fear of having a terrace garden in addition to two kids !!! ). I dont know how i came to name her so, but i guess, she was generous with biscuits... !!! :) From my childhood to my teenage tantrums she was there pretty much all through, (as a friend for mom and as my biscuit supplier) however the bonds we shared became weaker as i grew up into more of a rebel than anything else... but i still remember those wonderful words of wisdom she so readily gave.. As a dark, plump, south indian child growing up in Delhi, i was often subjected to taunts like "kaali" (Darkie), "moti" (Fatso), madrasi (Tamilian) etc... (well contrary to the general impression, kids can be quite heartless at times) and then ever so often i remember coming crying to biscuit mami and there she would be, patiently telling me these wonderful things! She would tell me that being dark does not matter because i was fair at heart and that i will be a wonderful person; and that the other kids troubled me because they were jealous of my abilities and so on... and at that time, as a little kid, coming back from a bad day at school, that's all i needed to hear... I think she is one of the reasons for my strong disregard for appearances till date. I learnt early on in life to not judge people and books by the cover and that lesson stays with me still... Some things in life make sense only at a much later time.. :)

I still remember the excitement in the house when appa would be coming back from an official tour... We would clean our places, finish our homework and wait in anticipation for him... What will he get this time used to be question top most in my little mind i think ... I still cherish the mekhla and the beaded necklace that he brought for me from Assam along with the stories of tea estates and the vast greenery (the Darjeeling tea was not high on my priority list then).... or the big can of rasagollas he got from Calcutta (I always had a sweet tooth... inherited it straight from my dad) :) !!

At school, I still remember playing with the boys and beating them at basket ball.... I was a tomboy then and got along famously with the guys in my class... (I guess I still get along well with guys - old habits die hard) :)

There was also this one lesson in school which is imprinted in my head and despite my many attempts i haven't been able to lay my hands on this old text book from school... I remember reading in school this lesson on Dr Marie Curie and her childhood... My memory of the lesson itself is vague and rather fragmentary but i remember the book saying that she as a child would peek into her father's chemical cupboard and be fascinated with chemicals therein. She of course went on to be the first woman to win two Nobel prizes and then it seemed like the most inspiring story to me... In many ways, she made me want to become a scientist (and today while i am close to being one, i also realize that a Nobel is but a dream :))... As a child, Marie Curie was the most inspiring woman and my awe has not worn off even now as an adult... !!!

I once remember appa advising someone on picking out the toughest options to start with, so the rest will end up seeming easy. Picking out the more difficult option does not come easy to us and is in fact a little masochostic but there is a deeper wisdom in the statement that I agree with. I guess, some where along the line, these are the ideas and the ideals that have shaped me into who I am… and now given a choice I wouldn’t change any of it…

Growing up in a traditional, middle class family, i was taught the right values of religion, obedience, academic excellence, propriety, social considerations etc but all i can remember now is rebelling against almost all these values and questioning each one of them in my head. I was a rebel then and i have challenged almost every advice i was preached about... I can only wonder at the plight of my parents then when their teenage daughter questioned why she should go to a temple or care about what any one said... (I am not bohemian or hippie, or a tattoo sporting, rock music loving kind of a rebel, but more of the elitist, intellectual sorts, who wouldn't mind sticking to tradition as long as it is voluntary, out of my own choice and without sermonizing and the usual diktats).

As i sit writing down with these glimpses of the past, I realize that life was so much simpler then.... a simple vanilla ice cream or a maggi or a pack of biscuits used to make my day... and now, i just demand more out of life... Is that why as adults we lose out on happiness... ? Because those small joys in life, those tiny moments of bliss are no longer sufficient... that we want more out of life and that we have a bigger picture in mind... I wish I could think like a little child once again ... have someone tell me the right things to do... just for a day (I know I will not be happy like that for a longer time as i like being an adult but just for a day... :))

Judging the past in the light of future....

Come to think of it, I have always found this one thing strangely irritating all through my school... at the end of every theorem or hypothesis, there used to be section focusing on the limitations of the landmark achievement.....Imagine reading all about Rutherford's neutron scattering experiment and his very sharp hypotheses about the structure of the atom and then bang ! comes the next paragraph highlighting the drawbacks of the model... all of course based on the information available from present day science and the technology it permits. I have always felt (even as a teenager) that one ends up being extremely harsh on these great minds in the light of information which was unavailable to them... We ended up judging the past in the light of future.

This entire thought of course was lying in some corner of my mind till i came across it again in the essays of Stephen J Gould (he of course, needs no introduction for biologists but for the others, he is an evolutionary biologist who has had a lot of impact on the field and he has a rather unique style of writing essays). He has very wonderfully highlighted the bis we approach history with and his ideas have been beautifully described in the following excerpt from his essay -

"History reveals patterns and regularities that enhance our potential for understanding. But history also expresses the unpredictable foibles of human passion, ignorance, and dreams of transcendence. we can only understand the meaning of past events in their own terms and circumstances, however legitimately we may choose to judge the motives and intentions of our forebears. Karl Marx began his most famous historical treatise, his study of Napolean III's rise to power, by writing, 'Men make their own history, but they do not make it just as they please'."

Think thee not !!!

Sometimes, very often these days, i end up wishing that i could just stop thinking, stop pondering over the past, stop wondering about the future, stop dissecting, stop extrapolating, stop hypothesizing, stop imagining !! Oh, how I wish I could stop my brain from firing and just be... without needless speculation, without thinking ! Sometimes, I think (despite attempting not to) we end up complicating our lives needlessly... !!! If only one can voluntarily block the random thoughts as they stealthily invade your private space, crowd and clutter your mind and create a din in you head... If only...

Sometimes, it almost feels like I think compulsively, cos if i don't have problems of my own to think about, i end up focusing on problems of others and still keep thinking... !!!
Why can't we stop thinking and just be... just feel and experience each moment and live life as it comes up...

I wish I could... !! I am trying nonetheless ...

I have had so many random thoughts crowding my mind space for the last week and for some reason i haven't been able to resolve them and clear them out. Honestly, I haven't even been able to define them. They just made me quieter (and not in a serene kind of a way) but rather in a restless-quiet kind of a way (like the silence before a storm). It was as if I was enveloped by a quilt of thoughts which i was breathing in and out and never really thinking about. I could feel a weight settle in on me but could never lift it off. I so wanted to write but there was somewhere a stop cock that kept the vent closed. Words refused to fall out... They stood there frozen in some corner of my mind. I wished they would flow and help me get some space....

And then, something happened... I chanced upon a stranger's blog and started wasting away my precious monday morning reading it (instead of indulging in more tangibly productive pursuits like work)... !!! This is the best thing about blogs.. somewhere, in some corner of the world, someone has probably experienced what you are going through now and has written about it... you can completely identify with the situation... it gives you clarity beyond words.... its like we all pull out our random thoughts, solemn moments of our existence and put them into a worldwide thought pool. Out of this common consciousness, you chance upon thoughts, some fit, some don't... all in this very strange and mysterious kind of a way. You find people who think so much like you, and have expressed their thoughts with so much clarity that you find the clarity too... Whatever it was, now, after a morning spent in reading, i can now breathe free... I can write and i want to write... I can think and that's all i need... for now at least :)

Glory to the good... !!

This post takes off from a question that a friend (A) recently raised after watching a movie - Why do we reward a good deed (someone fighting a battle for justice, someone returning a lost object) ? Why do we feel the need to reward the just ? Isn't it the right thing to do and therefore the obvious and only recourse left open ? Why is being good glorified so much ? Shouldn’t that be the first and the only mode of action ?

"Be good unto others,
Do the right thing,
Perform your duties without any expectations
Selfishness is a vice and sacrifice is a virtue
We can find true joy only in the service of the mankind.... "


I am sure I appear to be sermonizing, as the many others we have all often heard….
But then every time I heard these statements, I could never follow any of them as a natural recourse…
These are all qualities that are counter intuitive to us (definitely to me)... becoming any of these or following any of these principles requires an added effort on our part (curbing a natural instinct)... But then these are qualities that are preached in all societies and it all religions... Why then would a religion or a society preach something that is difficult to follow... ?

I guess, the answer very obviously lies in our past. We are all products of millions of years of evolution driven by the principle of "survival of the fittest"... We are here today because our ancestors were selfish and took care of their needs for the perpetuation of their genes.... If they had been altruistic, they would not have survived long enough to have their offsprings and therefore those genes would not be inherited.... Simple enough (Of course, altruism has survived so far and the most satisfactory explanation for it comes from the kin selection theory, but leaving that part aside - We are selfish beings)!! But then why is it that we humans are so obsessed with glorifying the principles of altruism, sacrifice and selflessness... ??

I would hazard a guess that goodness is glorified because it is counter-intuitive... we are not "good people"... we are selfish to the core !! Given a situation, our primary reaction is to carry out a cost-benefit analysis (Sadly, this is not something unique to managerial whizkids and corporates !!!)... It is this thinking which is ingrained in our minds through the millions of years of evolution. Our instincts are to first protect ourselves and our immediate family and finally the others, depending on the extent of familiarity..... We are selfish and being anything otherwise is a difficult and an unnatural choice to make.

The social evolution of man however required a fabric where trust, faith and goodness could abound (how do you live with a group of people and trust your life into their hands when you think that they are out to kill you… :)) Thus, the fundamental pre-requisite of the social nature of man (A natural fallout of the fact that he was physically weaker and mentally stronger than the wild beasts !!) is that he trust his neighbors (also the beginning for our feelings of parochialism and xenophobia). This of course, necessitates that values of goodness and righteousness are preached from childhood and they are made to abound in the society.

The underlying principle as I see is that, humans are not inherently "good"; we are selfish creatures and are only interested in safeguarding our interests and therefore it is necessary that goodness is rewarded and selfishness in abhorred ....

I guess that is why doing the right thing is treated as the more courageous option to take and something which deserves a reward (to try and offset the costs incurred to the individual). We as a society try and propagate these values to ensure our survival as a group. No wonder religion and the prevalent social structures establish this view…. And try and goad us into doing the "good"/right" deeds which are against the very grain of our nature….

[This is perhaps why I really liked Ayn Rand's philosophy of Objectivism because it allows you to lead a moral life without going against your instincts…. But more about that later… :) ]

(I am not sure why i wrote this post and i am not sure if i even make enough sense, but i sure hope that A will understand... )

Some things and some people grow on you, knowingly or unknowingly, you give them so much control over your life that its difficult to live without them around. Life seems such a pain without those few things and people. I have come to hate myself for giving so much power to so few…

Friends, coffee and my books, I feel handicapped without these things… I am sure there's more on the list that I haven't yet spotted…
I hate myself for being unable to live without these…. I wish to be independent of such influences because I absolutely detest the pain I go through at the time of withdrawal every time… !! Its an addiction to a support system and that weakens you and prevents you from marching ahead alone… which you have to do, a lot of times in life… These things hold so much power over you that out of the fear of losing them you leave them untouched, to their whims and fancies…
You build your life around these elements… but sometimes, one just needs to break these self imposed barriers and move into the unknown, face the pain and the loneliness and learn to walk alone…

The sun and the earth seem to have some love lost between them
The earth shriveled as the sun glared from the heavens
She prayed for respite but there was none in sight.
Seeing the earth's plight, the clouds gathered around ready to embrace her…
To comfort her and to shield here from the sun's wrath,
The clouds loved the earth and sent rain drops from heaven as messengers of love…
the earth rejoiced upon hearing the tender notes of love from its beloved
She could only profess her love and gratitude in return
As she blossomed with joy….
Her pale brown was now a tender green
She danced with joy as the wind caressed her tenderly….
Her joys burst forth like the tender seedlings anew
She blushed as the blossom's bloom
She was a new being
She was in love…

Song of the Flower...

I am a kind word uttered and repeated

by the voice of nature;

I am a star fallen from the

blue tent upon the green carpet.

I am the daughter of the elements

with whom winter conceived;

To whom the spring gave birth; I was

reared in the lap of summer and I

slept in the bed of autumn.

At dawn I unite with the breeze

to announce the coming of light;

At eventide I join the birds

I bidding the light farewell.

The plains are decorated with

My beautiful colours, and the air

is scented with my fragrance.

As I embrace slumber the eyes of

Night watch over me, and as I

Awaken I stare at the sun, which is

the only eye of the day.

I drink dew for wine, and hearken to

The voices of the birds, and dance

To the rhythmic swaying of the grass.

I am the lover's gift; I am the wedding wreath;

I am the memory of a moment's happiness;

I am the last gift of the living to the dead;

I am a part of joy and a part of sorrow.

But I look up high to see only the light,

and never look down to see my shadow.

This is the wisdom that man must learn.

– Khalil Gibran

An ode to Tagore...

A sunday morning chat with a friend about Tagore in the morning and articles about his 150th anniversary today made me take out a few moments from a lazy Sunday to pour over a translation of his "Gitanjali". I have always liked his poetry and his writing and have always understood his ideologies and often agreed with them. I havent read Tagore extensively but then the few minutes I spent with his work today revealed a couple of gems, which I really liked. Here's one... I Thought that my voyage had come to its end At the last limit of my power, - That the path before me was closed, That provisions were exhausted and The time come to take shelter in a silent obscurity. But I will find that thy will knows no end in me. And when old words die out on the tongue, New melodies break forth from the heart; And where the old tracks are lost, New country is revealed with its wonders. And another... When the heart is parched up, come upon me With a shower of mercy. When grace is lost from life, come with a burst of song. When tumultuous work raises its din on all sides Shutting me out from beyond, come to me, my lord of Silence, with thy peace and rest. When my beggarly heart site crouched, shut up In a corner, break open the door, my king, and come With the ceremony of a king. When desire blinds the mind with delusion and dust, O thou holy one, thou wakeful, come with thy light And thy thunder.

All you ever wanted to be...

Finding oneself is perhaps the hardest thing that one ever has to do… It’s a long journey into the world…
We are born into a family and a society and these are the influences that shape us and mould us into who we are.
We adopt the culture, the practices and the thoughts that we see in our early life.
These beliefs and thoughts shape our life and our beliefs to a large extent. These early influences set our boundaries and our walls.
Along the way however, as we grow, we read and we think, we dream and we imagine, and we form an ideal of what we want to be. We set that goal and we work towards it but then the norms of the world and the society are working their way on our dreams molding them, rephrasing them.

Till at some later point in life, one may realize that this is not what they ever wanted to be. That this is merely a reflection what is and could be our true potential.
And, that is the time to get started on the journey of self discovery, to find true meaning to your life, to fulfill your true potential, to live as you always wanted, to fulfill all your dreams and to become all you could ever become.

There could be the mistakes in the past that could never cease to haunt you but then there is a time to let go and a time to start afresh. One must not procrastinate for who knows what may happen in the morrow and what horrors you wake up to… so, while you recognize your dreams and you remember what it feels like to have what you want, get going and work to try and achieve all that you ever wanted.


Cos tomorrow, it just might be too late....

The circle of life...

The creed of greed ...

Contentment, satisfaction, being happy with what you are... these are all things that I have always aspired for... till of course recently I realized the flip side of it all.. !!! I have always asked for more, from myself, from life and from people around me... This has however never worked in my favor because i end up being called a perfectionist who frets over the tiniest details which probably will never make a difference and in the process I often end up making things difficult for the others around me.. But then the other day, in an attempt to try and motivate a friend, i realized that I was at a loss for words... She was always happy with what she was and what she had... She knew what she was capable of and what she was not... She didn't dream like me and she didn't fret and fume like me ... She was happy and confident... all things that i would have liked to be ... and it was perhaps for this reason that she didn't have a driving force to lead her forward. She knew what she had to do but she could never get herself to give that final push and take that final stride which often takes you across... She lacked the madness and the frenzy i had (and these were never my most cherished character traits)... I had always wished for a lackadaisical approach to life so that i wouldn't feel the anxiety, the stress and the pressure of everyday living. I have always had this engine in me propelling me forward, asking for more, driving me to achieve greater heights.... I barely manage to tick things off my wish list and i would be ready with more... there is soooo much i want to do before i say die... so, yeah, i ve always valued time and and i ve always asked for more and i ve been ready for that little bit extra effort.... that is why i have worked hard and that is why i can still work... because i dream... !!! I dream of being able to see the world, of flying, having my own home and a family, learning, reading and knowing all about the world, of being able to excel in all that i have ever wanted to, of being a good human being and a capable person ... and i dream of being able to all of this without being dependent on anyone... ambitious... ? So, I am ... but, then why crib when these dreams give me something to hold on to and to move on... Perhaps, contentment is not always a good thing !! Greed is probably also a virtue as it helps you stay motivated and working in the right direction... It helps you aim for the best and brings out the best in you... So, for now, I take recourse to being ambitious and greedy knowing however fully well the boundaries that need to be drawn in my pursuits...

Inside locked doors and walls ...

Driven by a fear of pain and failure, we often build these walls in and around us...
invisible, and yet impenetrable....
these walls make their presence felt only in moments of decision and choice....

There are often times when the heart wants to go with the flow, to do the unthinkable, to be impetuous and live in the moment but then at these times there is this "sane-appearing" inner voice that calls out to you and stops you from doing what you wanted.
It holds you back anticipating failure and pain.... almost completely irrational, this fear holds you back, curbs the flow of the heart and then soon the moment of decision is gone and you are where you started out to be... In these weak moments of confusion, what is required is a little bit of a nudge which will take you one way or the other with the flow... sometimes, that's all that is missing in life... !!!

Chance or people take up the role sometimes but more often than not, we lead our lives dictated by the spaces of these walls....

I wish I could get the key to opening these locked doors in the mind so that fresh air could breathe new life into my thoughts and I could live a life without irrationally shielding myself from the pain...

I want to be able to just go ahead and live my life in the moment...

Fooled by Randomness...

This is a post about a book that i am reading at present called as "Fooled by Randomness". While the book is about the role of randomness in our everyday lives, particularly in the financial markets it is a book littered with nuggets of smart thoughts.... Irreverent to the core, the author has used words very intelligently to convey a thought... Some of the following are excerpts which I felt like sharing with someone upon reading... and so, on a cloudy evening, stuck in the lab, I take recourse to the book and pick out the pieces, i liked the most... These are not the ones I agree with completely but they were entertaining and sometimes insightful nonetheless... "This book is about luck disguised and perceived as nonluck (that is, skills) and, more generally, randomness disguised and perceived as non-randomness (that is, determinism). It manifests itself in the shape of the lucky fool, defined as a person who benefited from a disproportionate share of luck but attributes his success to some other, generally very precise, reason." "At the cost of appearing biased, I have to say that the literary mind can be intentionally prone to confusion between noise and meaning, that is, between a randomly constructed arrangement and a precisely intended message. However, this causes little harm; few claim that art is tool of investigation of the truth - rather than an attempt to escape it or make it more palatable." "All my life, I have suffered the conflict between my love for literature and poetry and my profound allergy to most teachers of literature and "critics". The french thinker and poet Paul Valery was surprised to listen to a commentary of his poems that found meanings that had until then escaped him (of course, it was pointed out to him that these were intended by his subconscious)." "I start with the platitude that one cannot judge a performance in any given field (war, politics, medicine, investments) by the results, but by the costs of the alternative (i.e., if history played out in a different way). Such substitute courses of events are called alternative histories. Clearly, the quality of a decision cannot be solely judged based on its outcome, but such a point seems to be voiced only by people who fail (those who succeed attribute their success to the quality of their decision)." "Beware the confusion between correctness and intelligibility. Part of conventional wisdom favours things that can be explained rather instantly and in a nutshell - in many circles it is considered a law. What is easy to conceive is clear to express / words to say it would come effortlessly. ----------------- Borrowed wisdom can be vicious. I need to make a huge effort not to be swayed by well sounding remarks. I remind myself of Einstein's remark that common sense is nothing but a collection of misconceptions acquired by age eighteen." "The poetry and language lover in me was initially depressed by the account of 'exquisite cadavers' poetic exercise, where interesting and poetic sentences are randomly constructed. By throwing enough words together, some unusual and magical sounding metaphor is bound to emerge according to the laws of combinatorics. Yet one cannot deny that some these poems are of ravishing beauty. Who cares about their origin if they manage to please out aesthetic senses? The story of the exquisite cadavers is as follows. In the aftermath of the first world war, a collection of surrealist poets - which included Andre Breton, their pope, Paul Eluard, and others - got together in cafes and tried the following exercise (modern literary critics attribute the exercise to the depressed mood after the war and the need to escape reality). On a folded piece of paper, in turn, each one of them would write a predetermined part of a sentence, not knowing the others' choice. The first would pick an adjective, the second a noun, the third a verb, the fourth an adjective, and the fifth a noun. The first publicized exercise of such random (and collective) arrangement produced the following poetic sentence: The exquisite cadavers shall drink the new wine. Impressive ? It sounds even more impressive in the native french. Quite impressive poetry has been produced in such a manner, sometimes with the aid of a computer." "In his Treatise on Human Nature, the scots philosopher David Hume posed the issue in the following way (as rephrased in the now famous black swan problem by John Stuart Mill): No amount of observations if white swans can allow the inference that all swans are white, but the observation of a single black swan is sufficient to refute that conclusion." "No man has ever influenced the way scientists do science more than sir Karl - in spite of the fact that many of his fellow professional philosophers find him quite naive (to his credit, in my opinion). Popper's idea is that science is not to be taken as seriously as it sounds (Popper when meeting Einstein did not take him as the demigod he thought he was). There are only two types of theories: 1) Theories that are known to be wrong, as they were tested and adequately rejected (he calls them falsified). 2) Theories that have not yet been known to be wrong, not falsified yet, but are exposed to be proved wrong. Why is a theory never right ? Because we will never know if all the swans are white. The testing mechanism may be faulty. However, the statement that there is a black swan is possible to make. A theory cannot be verified." "Popper's falsification is intimately connected to the notion of an open society. An open society is one in which no permanent truth is held to exist; this would allow counter ideas to emerge. ------- Popper believed that any idea of utopia is necessarily closed owing to the fact that it chokes its own refutations. The simple notion of a good model for society that cannot be left open for falsification is totalitarian. I learned from Popper, in addition to the difference between an open and closed society, that between an open and a closed mind." "How much can past performance, be relevant to forecasting future performance ?"

I miss not knowing...

I miss not knowing... My ego and my pride My mistakes in life My needless aim for perfection My need for companionship My prejudices and my stereotypes. I miss not knowing... That there is no bigger plan That our lives are driven by randomness That there is no one up there watching over me That I am a sum of my actions and a lot of chance That not everything is in our hands That money is sometimes more important than you would like it to be. I miss not knowing... Why people are what they are? Why relationships fail? Why people feel pain and sorrow? Why things go wrong? I miss not knowing... The anguish of losing something The pain of falling The pangs of love The distress of envy The burden of guilt The inadequacy of hope. I miss not knowing... my helplessness despite being an adult my inability to set things right my confusion with too much knowledge the complications of adult relationships. I miss not knowing... that fairy tales are just that that people change and somethings are never the same that "sorry" is just another word that some distances can never be bridged that there is so much unknown and that no one has the right answers that things are not always what they seem like that people are built in layers and not always what they seem to be. I miss not knowing... that happiness is just another dream that not all dreams come true that the world is not always a happy place that not everything ends well that life is not made to order that some words are just too hard to say. I wish things were simpler as they were when i was a child... When the world was a happy place and all people were good. When the world was not complicated by too much thinking.... When i knew, I have someone to watch over me...

To have or not to have .... !!

In my mental realm, one thought, or rather a question, that often manages to drift in very often and then leave ever so noiselessly is the following ... How would I like life to be ? Should one experience everything in life and then live with the pain of not having them around (cos nothing really lasts forever) .... Or is it better to just live your life without knowing a few things... ? I have encountered this question many times along the way and never really addressed it as it always manages to come with some bigger questions along... I am often the one to go with the first option of experiencing everything in life, living life to the fullest, making decisions based on my experiences, basically, living life first hand .... but the pain of losing which follows the moments of joy is often such a torment that i am tempted to consider the second option... You will never realize the pain of not having something if you never realized what it feels to have it around, simply put, you never miss something till you know what is to be missed ... !! But then, come to think of it, isn't that what life is all about... dancing with joy when you are happy and then being down in the dumps when not all is well... ? And learning to move on till the next the joy or sorrow comes along... I guess, playing safe is not an option.. you just live your life your way, make mistakes, learn and move on... you feel pain but also the bliss and that will take care of it all... !! So... for now, I think I am going to make peace with this... till, of course, at the next cloudy day, I take to questioning the game plan all over again... :)

Friendships...

What is friendship ? A post on the same theme raised a few questions and try as i might i wasnt sure i could convey what i thought. So after a day or two's rumination, I decided to take the plunge and put my thoughts into words... Of the multiple meanings attached to the word "friend", by the dictionary, a friend to me is one attached to another by affection or esteem and a favored companion... This of course is a very abstract definition and leaves room for confusion. Well, who is a friend and what is friendship ? The first step of course would be to weed out the words from our vocabulary which could blur the boundaries.... the words which could be misled with friendship... acquaintance, pal, supporter, colleague, associate, ally, so on and so forth, but in my mind they are nowhere close to being a friend... A friend, is a friend, is a friend... Someone who accepts you as you are, Who is a friend only because he wants to be, not because of the world, the society or the norms, not because there is anything to gain but because he likes what 'is' Someone who is painfully honest but then when he says the harshest facts, you trust him and know that he is right, Someone who could know you better than you know yourself, Someone with whom words are redundant and understanding is pervasive, Who will stick with you when you are wrong but will tell you so, Who can see through your masks no matter what you do, Someone who will know you for what you are and love you still... Someone who knows what you can be and tells you so... When the chips are all down and you are broken from within, a friend makes life easy A friend is someone you bank upon for the best and the worst, To share your joys and sorrows, your angst and confusions, Who transforms your weaknesses into your strength, Who leads you through the darkest hours to see the light at the end, Who does more than you can even imagine, Who gives more than a patient ear when you go on ranting about the miseries of your life.... A friend is all this and more... How do i find words to describe the most important relationships in my life...?? Friends, "true" friends, are to be treasured more than family, because they "choose" to be with you for what you are and how you are... Friendships are bound by the ties of love and faith and not of blood and birth... No wonder they reflect you as a person... !! I have often cribbed and complained about things going wrong and luck playing a spoiled sport... but then.... I now know that what I have managed to find is something very few people have... I found friends, true friends.... to cherish and to protect.... to hold onto for the rest of my life... And now, as i write, i realize this, When everything seems to be falling apart, and when the road ahead is only an uphill climb, you know that help is only a call away, cos your friends are just around the corner on any day, Suddenly life seems better and the world is a happier place... I guess, that's what friendship is... :) I am glad i found it...

In the debris of the past, lay a seed for the future, He was brought there by the winds of fate... from lands far and distant... He woke up to find the shattered dreams of the past crowding his vision, In an alien frozen land, there was no love to be found, but he did not give up, he fought the battle, he gathered hope from the gentle wings of fire which brought him life from above, he was grateful for the currents of hope that nurtured him deep, he held on to the bosom of the frigid ground as the ice slowly receded, he did not give up courage as the glories of the past withered away, he waited in patience, through the darkest hours of night in the hope of light. And the wait was worth the while... Soon, he was strong and able, his hopes came true and his dreams took root, He broke through the barriers and found the world anew, there were new dreams for the future, and there was a new life to be lived, It was indeed worth all the fight. He grew in stature and learnt the ways of the world, he found love and he found joy, this world was his home, where he belonged, He loved his life and all seemed right... he spread cheer and he gave life, from the tales of his past there was hope to be found.. But then before long, the forces of nature came visiting again and he knew the end was near... But he had made a difference and he knew that's what counted, he had fought his battles and left a mark, he had left hope for the future through his past... It was a life well lived and that's all that mattered... And so he bid farewell and closed his eyes, with joy in his heart and peace in his mind, he left the world better than what it was.

Of types and Stereotypes ...

We all grow up and build these frameworks in our mind in which we fit in people and their actions... this framework is the key to our stereotypes... We quickly bracket people and further fit all our thoughts into that framework... Stereotyping is an evolutionary success, it indeed helps at many levels ! Imagine, if our ancestors did not generalize at some point that eating foul smelling food could be fatal... no one would have survived the bouts of food poisoning that usually follows... !! So, yes, stereotyping helps, its saves time and effort... But, now when we extrapolate the same mechanism to our everyday social existence, it does take a toll... "Women are like... , men are like... , Girls from Delhi are like..., Rich kids are like..., single kids are like, younger siblings are like... beautiful girls are... Smart girls are... " It is an endless list... As we grow, we build a framework that we acquire based on our social structure, the surroundings we are in and the people who form a part of early life... This framework becomes a part of our cognitive structure as we evaluate every event in our life in this light... And since it is a major extrapolation, it does have major drawbacks.... how i wish, I could control that impression at first sight and learn to judge every event at its merit... !! Our stereotypes, blind us to a large extent... as we end up fitting in every person and every event in our life, in that narrow skeleton we build in our growing years. We fit in pieces of the same dimensions into the jigsaw puzzle we have without a care as to if it were at the right place... Our mind has the ability to fill in the gaps and interpret things accordingly... and here we stand, in a world where misunderstandings are rampant, a prejudiced opinion is the norm and randomness drives our existence... Wish things were different...

You fill up my senses....

You fill up my senses
like a night in a forest,
Like the mountains in springtime,
Like a walk in the rain,
like a storm in the desert,

Like a sleepy blue ocean.
You fill up my senses,
come fill me again.

Come let me love you,
let me give my life to you,
Let me drown in your laughter,
let me die in your arms.

Let me lay down beside you,
let me always be with you
Come let me love you,
come love me again.

Let me give my life to you,
Come let me love you,
come love me again.
You fill up my senses like a night in a forest,
Like the mountains in springtime,
Like a walk in the rain, like a storm in the desert,
Like a sleepy blue ocean.
You fill up my senses, come fill me again.

Thanks are due to John Denver for the beautiful song that always manages to fill up my senses...

The ladder to sucess...

Don't aim for success if you want it; just do what you love and believe in, and it will come naturally. 

David Frost

Of the past and the future...

Age once met youth along the way on a bright and sunny day, It is a rarity to see the two together so i stood listening by the bay Age grieved about the strength she no longer has, while youth yearned for resilience. Age missed the joy of discovery while youth wished for wisdom of the ancients... Youth was impetuous and bold but she lacked the skill of patience... Youth had curiosity while age was weighed under the burden of the past's grievance. Youth lived a life of spirit, while age was on constant audit... While one weighed all the options before action, the other lived a life of passion, far from the calls of reason... While the two went on about their past and future I realized that the past of one was the future of the other and that this was but the rule of nature.... !! As one grew in age, experience and prudence, you forgot to enjoy life's momentary brilliance Life moves on with varying cadence As the warps and wefts of time alter your sentience You lose some and you gain some, as time leads you on what stays with you, becomes the essence of you, long after you are gone. I fit this thought into my mind's structure as i let time and tide carry me from these tiny moments of leisure... back to the present's clatter with impending deadlines that threaten the dreamer...

Stuck and still unstuck... !! :)

"thamarai elai mel neer pol nee otti ottaamal iru.. "
 A nice line in a tamil song which literally translates into "Like the water droplet on a lotus leaf, you stick and are still not stuck" ...

Metaphorically, however, it means that you are a part of something and are still detached from it all, like the water droplet on a lotus leaf..

The essence of this sentence stayed in my mind for a while and got me thinking.

I am a person who leads my life larger than life. I am melodramatic in good measure.
I react more than others to situations. I am overjoyed at the sight of a little kid laughing and will smile for a good two minutes after that.

I smile when i feel the wind in my air and can almost hear a whisper there...
I hope when there is none when i know that things are bad... I always hope for a miracle. In fact, to my utmost charging, I have come to live by the maxim - "hope against all hopen".
And I feel disappointed every time the hope is unfulfilled... I feel the sorrow and the pain like never before..
I romanticize every moment and i live in my fantasies till reality catches up with me...
I walk with a spring in my step when i am happy, jump and hop over steps, simply because I am happy...
I jump with joy and punch in the air....
I lick my fingers and fight for chocolates....
I love the smell of the first rain and the feel of the wet grass...
I fling my anger in a rising tide than keep it simmering within....
I get angry and irritated and frustrated and jealous...
I question the ways of the world and I fight against the rules imposed... I try to be the exception than the norm...
I laugh and cry for the people on the screen knowing that it is not real,
I catch myself still hoping for a fairy tale ending... I have lived every moment and every emotion with all my heart and soul,
I have lived every failure and every success.

I have felt every heart break and lived through every anguish.
I have lived the deepest cuts and the most uplifting moments. I have been as attached with the situation as one could be. At the same time, as my heart was living every moment, my mind, tried to be the restraining voice of sanity and made me realize the transience of my experiences. The sane voice in my head, however, only made me come back to my default state faster, but it never reduced the intensity of my feelings. I still had my swings, my moments of exaggerated joy and my moments of deep despair, moments of doubts and moments of confidence.
And ever so often, when the going got tough, I would catch myself wishing for a more detached existence.
"If only, I did not involve myself so much with the events in my life, just be a spectator to the events and not feel the angst and the suffering, I could save myself so much pain."
True, but then, hey, Would i have really lived my life that way, cold and aloof from all that is and all that matters?
How can i disconnect from my experiences? How can I not feel every moment of my life as I pass through it ? It is painful, yes, but there are also moments of pure bliss and ecstasy.. which make it all worth the while...

I guess, its better to just "live" your life, feel every joy and every sorrow, live every dream and every heart break and grow with the climes than just experiencing life like an outsider with a ring side view. No.... I prefer to live life as it is... it may be joyous at times and painful at many others, but its still a part of me that i will cherish...

I guess, one should melodramatize life, for sometimes that's the only way that makes sense...

Of distances and barriers... and the love beyond it all... !!

He was a man lost in his own quaint little world till he met her. She was a woman fighting battles of her own till she met him. She spoke a language he did not understand and he thought in a language she could not comprehend. They had different languages but then when was love defined by language? They fell in love and got married, all over a series of letters! They did not meet for nearly two decades after being married yet they remained loyal to each other and so deeply in love! In a world where we want to see everything before we make it a part of our life, here is a story about two people who based their love on everything but the sight of each other. I sat wondering if this were ever possible when the story took a new turn. In walked another woman with a heart laden with sorrows. He found glimpses of normalcy in his life in the presence of this other woman. Was he cheating on his beloved ? Did he love her still or is it that proximity will build bridges that never were ? Will distances tarnish their love and will their commitment wither in the autumn of their life....? This actually raised more disturbing questions in my mind about what loyalty actually was.. ? If loyalty in a relationship is about being mentally, spiritually and psychologically connected to your partner, then is it acceptable to have a physical relationship outside... Not acceptable to many i guess.. Then, on the other hand, if physical intimacy is a barometer of loyalty, is it tolerable that your partner is not connected to you at any level but the physical... ??? What is loyalty and how do you judge it ??

As you ponder on these questions, you are told that she was suffering from cancer and was losing her strength fast. You still see the bond of love that held them together for two decades as he roamed the streets of his obscure town in search of a cure. There was not a stone left unturned as he wandered from pillar to post to make his beloved live a little longer. Would they die without ever meeting or feeling the love of their life ? Will they never be able to meet the very person who defined their existence thus far? He roamed the streets as the skies poured and the heavens cried. He burned inside as she lost her strength. He was delirious but he could only think of his beloved. Such is the irony of life, that he lost his life trying to save hers ! She ended up making the journey to his land after he was no longer there. She was devoted to him but he was no longer there as she visited his house, and lived his life. She could probably feel him drifting off to sleep as she looked at his bed for the past forty years, where he spent his last moments thinking of her.... She saw his life and the part that she played in it. How could they have lived their lives so far from each other ? Did she not feel regret beyond what her heart can contain ?

Theirs was a love that defied the norms, and was based on honesty and devotion... Can such love exist in a world driven by the transient pleasures of the physical senses ?

Of new beginnings and the end that follows...

The illusion of love ...

Out of the many people you meet, some tend to grow upon you... Chance meetings end up being life altering in ways that the heart does not understand and the mind cannot comprehend...

Strangers become acquaintances, acquaintances become friends, friends become good friends... and then... somewhere along the line, you need them in your life to get through each day... You miss days without them and you want to feel them all around you. Your heart longs for the them, your mind works its magic and illusions abound! You lose the peace and quiet, buried deep inside you as the heart rages from hope to sorrow and joy, all within a span of a few moments...

You want to get out of the addiction but it holds its grip firm on those tiny mental spaces in your head where silences abound... You are no longer the person you started out... you are struggling to put words to thoughts as your mind races ahead at its own pace. Your dreams and desires overtake reality and soon you interpret reality from your dreams... You end up seeing life in a monochrome and reality is no longer real...

Love or even the illusion of love has that effect on you. If this is the effect of the illusion, what havoc would the reality of love cause ... I wonder !!!

In anticipation

Strange as it may sound, I realized (too early or too late !!) that life moves in breaks and stutters... It is not a streamlined flow that one imagines it to be and is instead turbulent and unpredictable in nature... It didn't even come as a surprise to me, just a quiet realization, the kind one has on long quiet walks or over a cup of coffee by the sunset.

In retrospect, one realizes that there are these phases where a lot of things are happening and major decisions being made. These spells of frantic, life altering activity are punctuated by quiet gaps of tranquility when life is pretty much still.

I am however in this strange phase, where a lot promises to happen but nothing really seems to be happening.... Is it how things are or is it just my perception ? Am i asking for too much, too soon ?

I long for some clarity, some perspective, some activity... I need a breeze to lead me forward so that i can take charge and be the captain of my ship.

Of balloons and surprises...

Surprises are these tiny packets of joy that unexpectedly come your way and make life better... However, I had quite forgotten the feeling till recently i was at the non-receiving end of one !! D had been feeling miserable due to the mysteriously cruel workings of fate (details are not necessary) and was working hard trying to not show the obvious.... I got a brief about the situation from a common friend (V) and I was trying to figure out what could be done to make her feel better. What usually works to my disadvantage is trying to put myself in other people's shoes and then analyzing the situation (why this very admirable trait is a problem at times has the stuff for a whole post and therefore will be dealt with in more leisure at a later date... ;))... In this case however, that turned out to be the guiding light to making D feel better. I only needed to imagine myself in her position and i knew what would make me feel better... a wonderful surprise !! When happiness comes knocking at your door out of the blue, it makes you dance with joy and forget the burdens of the sorrows within... No words of consolation or comfort, no promises of hope and success work for me... but a sweet gesture or a wonderful surprise can bring me from the barren and lonely confines of sorrows untold to the beautiful gardenia paradiso...That was it... all in then needed was a list of things which i would want someone to do for me when i was depressed and off we went on a shopping spree... First on the list were balloons... there is something about these tiny pieces of rubber that remind you of childhood and innocence.. they also symbolize a carefree existence unmarred by the worries of the adults. When a balloon flies into the sky, it takes your spirit for a ride... it symbolizes freedom and joy !! Balloons are indeed these tiny bubbles of hope and joy.... short lived they may be but life is better with them than without... What else would I want ?? A nice dessert never fails to make you feel better... (glucose/sugar and endorphins are the explanation, but hey, who cares !! :)) So, off we two went and bought some delicious brownies and fudge cakes !! Chocolate - sinful, it may be portrayed as ,but it can make even the worst days seem tolerable ... The flowers of course called out to us... I am sure they wanted to play a part in cheering up a tired soul... so we grabbed a few pretty daisies along the way... and marched off towards the destination. As me and V walked along, of course, we encountered a puchka wallah... needless to describe ,as any true blue indian would know the wonders of a good plate of gol guppas... crispy 'bubbles' filled with a spicy mixture (it is a full fledged exercise for all your taste buds - impartial to the sweet, tangy, sour or the hot.. !!) ... And knowing D and S's fetish for them, how could we ignore the puchkas... so, of we two went and bought a load of gol guppas.... Finally, after all this shopping we rushed to the venue hoping to catch D off guard and asked S to bring D up to the terrace (the venue, BTW)... The surprise had the desired effect (at least visibly) and then the sulk on D's face was replaced with a big smile... My day was made !!! All this while, with the shopping, I was also worried about D not feeling better despite all this, and that big smile at the end of it all proved my worried wrong... (Never else is being proven wrong such a source of comfort... !! ) It was amazing how in the thrill of arranging a surprise for D, i had forgotten my worries for the day... !!! Guess, surprises work both ways... In the everyday mundane, somewhere along the line, I had forgotten all about the thrill of giving or getting a surprise... I am glad i remembered a valuable lesson... :) So next time, someone is feeling a little low... plan a surprise and you will feel good at the end of it too... !! :D

A note for the future...

As a biologist, I know that Evolution has built in us the innate desire to procreate and produce more of our kind. But compelled by intellect, as i do contemplate, i realize that we have a psychological need in addition to a biological driving force to have children... We all seem to want someone who is a reflection of ourselves, someone who will live on while we are long gone, someone who will let us realize our dreams and fulfill our desires... someone with whom we can relive our childhood our way, someone in whom our thoughts and ideologies could live on long after we are gone. I have often been told that children should be grateful to their parents for the life they have been provided and for their very existence. And strangely, unlike the many others i know, i have always questioned this premise.... I have never really managed to see much sense in this statement because to me it seems that having a child is the most wonderfully selfish experience one can have. I want a child for fulfilling my own desires, for my own existence. The child only benefits as a consequence... Seems blasphemous to many... but can you deny the ultimate truth behind all of that...? This is of course not to deny the fact that the parents undergo a lot of turmoil to bring up the child and love it more than themselves... but then the motives are always self-centered... ??? (mind you, I am not against selfish behavior - it is our natural instinct and the reason for our evolutionary success). This of course was met with strong protest by friends.. and the common refrain was that i will change my opinion when i have children if my own... The definitive answer is of course something that only time will tell... but, I did get down to writing a few things down which i would like my children to know... O dearest child of mine, you are and will remain the most treasured possession of mine, I will love you no matter what cos you are after all a reflection of mine... but, i would love for you to grow up into someone I can respect.. who can be better than me in every aspect I want you to love me for what i am and not just because i am your parent I may at times lose my cool or be unreasonable for a start but at such times, remember that i cant help but have your best interests at heart you are all that i would have ever wanted who will be in my image and still be better than me you are a result of my reflections and impressions I want to protect and nurture you, relive my childhood through you give you all that i ever wanted because that's all i can do I have my failings, i have my limitations but remember that I am just human, compelled by love and fear and that I will always be near and you will always remain dear O dearest child of mine, you are and will remain the most treasured possession of mine... :) I hope I do turn out to be a good parent and manage to have children who would eventually "choose" me as their parent... Seems like wishful thinking in the age of widening generation gaps but hey, that's what hope is for !! ;)

Sum of all parts....

I am a sum of parts... There is a part of me that wants to get wet in the rain like a little child, craves for chocolates and ice creams wants to be patted to sleep everyday wants a story to be narrated every night still believes in fairy tale endings still believes that all people are good that justice shall be done in the end that no one gets more than what they deserve still enjoys victory and likes being the best loves being appreciated loves the wind in my hair is chatty and cant stop smiling wants to work and not bother about the results does not care about others' successes sheds tears like the trees in fall and laughs like the thunder loves people for who they are..... but then there is also a part of me that knows better and holds me back from many adventures feels bad when things don't go my way feels hatred, anger and envy realizes that chocolates are only temptations that transfer goods from the bank to the waistline loves the stillness and calm of the night knows that fairy tales are just that and dreams dont always come true goes to bed reading a book knowing that stories are only fiction is a shell in itself where nothing perturbs much knows that one can only do their best and leave the rest knows that appreciation can be hollow and pointless and that criticism makes you a better person is silent as the dead of the night knows that not everyone is good and just and that life is unfair is wary and suspicious but strong enough to face the consequences finds it difficult to trust people Who am I ? A sum of these contradicting parts... Time and experiences mould me and from the depths emerges a character.... some traits will probably be lost forever like footprints in the sand while some will rise from the dead... Which of my two parts will survive the tryst or will there be a stranger instead ?? Only time will tell.... but i still love the child in me and will protect it as long as i can !!

Dreams on fire...

Dreams....

You are my waking dream, you're all that's real to me,
you are the magic in the world I see
you are the prayer I sing, you brought me to my knees
You are the faith that made me believe

Dreams on fire, higher and higher
Passions burning right on the pyre

Once for, forever yours in me all your heart
Dreams on fire, higher and higher

You are the laughter from my childhood games
you are the spark of dawn, you are where i belong
you are the ache i feel in every song

Dreams on fire, higher and higher
Passions burning right on the pyre

Once for, forever yours, give me all your heart
Dreams on fire, higher and higher

Of morons and oxymorons...

A chance encounter with the word pair "Solitude and loneliness" led me on a trail for more such word pairs. I have struggled for several days now with the likes of these words and despite repeated attempts, have never quite been able to put the matter to rest in my head. These words keep coming back to haunt me and despite ruminating on the subject for several days, i have not been very successful in transferring the thoughts in my head onto paper. Nonetheless, in the hope of giving rise to the crude framework of my initial idea, i have finally decided to settle for something less than what i wanted, as i try to define my thoughts with words. It is now that i have a sense of insufficiency because i have been unable to find words to do justice to my thoughts... but as i continue to struggle with the concept, here is preview of my thoughts and any inputs on the same are quite welcome...

Solitude and loneliness
Courage and imprudence
Naive and honest
Candid and rude
Defeat and surrender
Acknowledgment and acceptance
Optimism and faith
Tolerance and disregard
Indifference and Ignorance
Non conformist and weird
Intuition and faith
Patient and passive

An "oxymoron" defines a combination of seemingly contradictory or incongruous words. The word pairs listed out above are not oxymorons and, perhaps do not have a general nomenclature to define them, but then, there is an underlying theme that runs through these pairs of words. Given a thought these words could imply completely different and contradictory meanings. From what i perceive, these words differ from each other in the mere involvement of a subject and the exercise of conscious will. To exemplify,

Conscious choice can make loneliness (a rather undesirable state) into solitude (which is a rather treasured commodity) !
An action carried out with full awareness of the consequences is courageous while the same action carried out without awareness of the fallouts is a sign of imprudence.

The interesting paradox here is that, in our daily lives, the manifestations of both these attitudes or actions is the same. The underlying human element is the only one which distinguishes the two and that, is often hidden under layers and is more often than not imperceptible to us. We thus often base our conclusions on these seemingly correct parameters without quite ascertaining the right reasons for our judgments. Thus, based on such fall-outs, a moron could be considered equivalent to a truly honest and gifted person, merely because the repercussions of both their actions appear identical through the tinted glasses which help us see the world, though the underlying thought processes are completely contradictory.

I hope to get some clarity on the subject and get back to this post but till then, this is all I have...