I walk...

We all have our own ways of dealing with things. Some eat. Some pray. Some sing. Some love and some drink. Some talk while some cry. Some sleep and some fight. I walk.

I walk to escape problems and I walk to confront them. I walk to remember and i walk to forget. I walk when i am happy and I walk when I am lonely.
I walk and the road walks with me. We follow a steady rhythm. I walk for miles on end trying to clear my mind. I walk in silence and I walk to the sound of music to forget the noise in my head. I walk hoping that the thoughts in my head would follow the rhythm of my feet. I walk for miles on end and then somewhere along the way, my mind just wants to break into a run. To run through all shackles and to run through the wind.

And then the steady rhythm of the heart is accelerated as my feet pick up, like this is what they always wanted to do. And I run.

I run and all I feel is the Wind. Within me and around me.
The blood rushes through my veins and a new warmth surges through me breaking the cold walls that had held me back. I strain to hear the whispers from the wind amidst my pulse and the sound of my feet on the concrete. I listen and I keep running. My heart and my feet had started together but soon enough the synchrony is lost as my heart is racing away and my feet are still following the steady rhythm they started off with.

And then somewhere along the way there is a disconnect. My heart has gone way ahead of me. As I keep running, somewhere along the way, for a few brief moments, I and the road have become one. I can see no further than the next few steps. And all that remains of me is the wind in my chest and the fatigue in my legs.

I will stop soon but not before the walls of my lungs have gasped for every breath they have taken and my feet have labored for every step. I feel like I have been purified by fire and I feel like I am new all over again. I slow down as my heart and my feet catch up with their tales. They both have more to talk about and i feel like an intruder there. My mind soon hops into the conversation and we are all back in our elements. I feel at one with myself all over again. All of me in back together and moving to one constant rhythm. To the beat of my heart.

I am now at the happy place in my mind where i should always be. Where silence is welcomed as is noise. Where no problem is too big and no solution is too small. Where problems are welcomed as are solutions. I lose myself only to find myself all over again.

I walk to freedom.

Dreams of wanderlust.... :)

Every now and then, i snuggle up to some travelogues and dream of traveling the world. My list keeps growing but for now i have decided to make a small note of the places that i want to experience before hitting the bucket !!!

Machu Pichu
Masai Mara, Kenya
Ladakh
North-Eastern India
Lakshwadweep
Galapagos Islands
Venice




Fingers crossed... :)

Feeling lucky... :)

It has been raining for two days now. The heavens seem to be tired of battling gravity as the waters have been relentlessly. Dark clouds gather all around and somehow they reflect my state of mind. Not melancholic, but my mind is certainly in throes of fatigue. Tired to fight. It has come to accept certain things as they are almost like how the clouds let earth have its way. It is acceptance that has come with a long day's struggle.

As i saw the raindrops trickling down the walls, I decided to venture out for some air and some clarity. It was not raining, just a weak drizzle. But there was still a chillness in the air as a cold breeze danced around reveling in its freedom. I walked through the courtyard, glistening because of the daylong rain and I am wondering what to think about. Somehow an empty mind makes a lot of noise and I am happier with my mind flowing in one direction than scattering all over like the water from the fountain behind me. I hear the gushing sounds of water as it rushes to hit the ground below. The water sounds agitated as if in a hurry to get somewhere. As if by hurrying in the present, he would be able to change the future. I listen to his flow and strangely i feel calm. I smile. The sound of the water behind me has dulled the sounds in my head. Sounds of his anxiety have strangely calmed me and i stood there listening, i could suddenly feel the warmth of a blanket around me.

I see the sun peek out of the dark, ominous looking clouds. He is radiant and suddenly i feel the warmth of an embrace even as the cold winds surge along. I feel happy and peaceful. It feels like the sun came out only to give me a hug. It is irrational and too self involved but somewhere i was happy with that belief. I felt special as i stood there humming a song in my mind.

But in that warmth, i can feel your presence. I can feel your reassurance. Because just like the sun you too made me feel special today. Special beyond my realms of reasoning or explanation. Beyond my words and beyond my imagination. As you scrambled through your mind to come up with those words, I was grateful for your effort and i was happy for the change. Even as i see you take your first few steps with a push, i hope that you would walk the rest of way of your own desire. But i sure feel blessed today for having seen you take the first step... May it be the beginning of many more great things to come...

"vous souhaite un heureux voyage" :)

and thank you for the warm glow i have on a cloudy day ... :)

Lines that build a home...

Some say, nations are just lines that divide. They are nothing but accidents of fate. They break people of one kind into many. They say humanity is the only true reality and all others are just collective nouns that pull people apart. They say that nationalities breed stereotypes and parochialism and that we are all after all inhabitants of the same world.

Some say, a nation is the true identity of a people. It is what gave them life and love. It is what makes them who they are and teaches them all they know. They will fight for their nation no matter what the cost. They love their nation beyond reason and logic. For them, their nation is the holy land - a land to be venerated and revered, and to be protected from the evil eyes of the others. For them, the nation comes before its people and lives are a price you sometimes pay for the sake of your motherland.

In an alien land, I wonder where i stand.

I step out of the house, and i dont feel the same. There is a kinship missing with the place. A dialog I used to have back "home". I feel lost here as if constantly searching for something. For directions, for familiarity, for the sights and smells. My stride lacks the spring that a child has when he sees his mom across the street after school. I walk, wary and cautious, not because i should be afraid but because i feel like a trespasser. Its not that i am berated or ill treated. I am left to my own means here even as freedom acquires a new meaning. But I felt more at ease with all those shackles back "home" because it was where i had always been. I knew the land, the men and women, the birds and beasts. I knew the winds and climes. I knew the bricks and the bats, the hills and the valleys, the streets and the corners. There was a certain kinship with the land and all its people that is difficult to describe in words. There is a flutter in my heart when i see someone from my land. A connection that makes my heart want to reach out to the perfect stranger just because he comes from where I come.

But wasn't my nation just an accident ? An accident of fate, that determined where i was born and brought up ? Wouldn't i feel differently if I were born here and not back "home" ? Why do I feel offended when they point a finger at my country ? Its not that they are always wrong for many a times I have complained too. Its not that I dont see the flaws and the problems that plague us. But its different when you fight with your parents and when a stranger raises his voice at them, isn't it ? Is it the land that I care for or the people ? What is it that ties me to my "nation" ? Like the umbilical cord that nurtures the fetus, there is an invisible bond that tethers me, that gives me my sense of self and that gives me my life.

Yes, it also binds me to my stereotypes and makes my world view a little narrower but then it would be the same anywhere else. Wouldn't it ? I would be just as attached to another piece of land if only the cards of fate had played out differently ?

An accident of fate it is but what a wonderful accident ! It gives me a home to call my own and a place to hold onto. It saves me from being a nomad even as I travel the world because there is a place on my compass that i always look forward to. There is no other place that can truly feel like "home" but home itself.... and maybe that's why they call it a motherland...

Time and Perspectives....

Time and Perspectives.

Ever changing and yet ever present...
The two things that we are often racing against and the two things that are constantly chipping away at us.

While time zones change as move through the world, our perspectives change as we move through life. They are changing even as we are struggling to encompass our lives into them.

Is there an absolute measure of time ? When there is night in one part of the world, the sun is shining bright in another. Is there an absolute right in a perspective ? Things may seem completely different depending on where you are standing....

But then, don't we all stand by a benchmark? The presence of the sun dictates the day and the absence of it brings on the night. Aren't our viewpoints too like that ? In some ways, we all have an absolute standard of righteousness and morality. True, there are many a gray areas like the dusk and the dawn, but at least there is a sign post to look for.

Time and perspectives.
They mould our lives and they direct our actions. They break through our molds even as we struggle to keep them under control. They change us like nothing else can. They work on our minds and our bodies. They break us and they build us.

Its true that you can escape the warps of time and stay in one place and never move ahead. You can hold onto your views and never look at another. But that's not the truth my dear ! You truly see the world only when you see the many time zones and the many perspectives. You lead a life only when you can accept the truth that sometimes there is no absolute truth.

You need to be a "traveler" to see the world and to see life as it is. And you need to be a "traveler" to accept the world for what it is.

Matters of faith ?

You say, that you like me are a person of reason and logic. You say that you, like me, are a man/woman of science and that unbridled inquiry is your objective.

You say we share a lot in common but for one difference...
We are separated by a gulf somewhere in how we approach life.

You believe that our lives are controlled by a divine entity and that we are puppets on a string. You believe in faith and you live a life of religion. You have faith in the divine and the supernatural. You believe that someone is watching over you and that the world can be a better place through the lord himself. You believe in helping others as a means to reach the divine. You glorify the "one" with your words and songs. You aim to live a life by the code of the "one". You lead your life sheltered by that code even as your life is cloaked in the fabric of religion.

I, on the other hand, believe that life is but a series of coincidences and random events. I see our world riddled with randomness even as i struggle to find some semblance of meaning. I see constellations in the sky but i know they hold no pattern or deeper meaning. I guard myself against hope and blind faith. I battle with my beliefs and question my thoughts and prejudices. My faith, is on me. My faith, is on goodness and honesty but i am unable to reach out to the divine that you are holding onto. I try and live a life of reason and logic. Of hard work and sincerity. Of passion and joy. I believe that we make our world our way. I help others because I can and because it helps me. I moved out of the fold of religion a long time ago, in my search for the truth. I make my own codes and I live by them and even as I live by my rules, I let others live with theirs. You may think I am self centered, but I think my life is just centered around me.

After all, we cant live for someone and no one can live for us.

But is this gulf big enough ?
I see that despite my self-centeredness, I am able to respect your opinion and live with it as long as I am granted my freedom. You on the other hand, struggle to accept my spirit of inquiry despite your moral code and faith. You struggle to accept my questions and my answers.

I try to understand how reason gets blinded like this ? How do we all get entrapped by these rigid walls of religion and tradition ? How do we forget that "not believing" is just another choice some people can make as is "believing" ? Faith can't make us a better person. Religion is a code that scares people into submission. Can faith be so important ? Can religion unify us despite all other differences ?

We may be like the banks of a river, moving ahead in the same direction but never together. But we could still share our thoughts just like the waters between the river banks ?

I struggle to understand how faith becomes so important to a man who believes and so irrelevant to someone who doesn't.... If religion is meant to encourage harmony and tolerance, isn't it achieving the exact opposite now ?

Strangers in the night...

It was a gusty night and I was all alone even though I was surrounded by a crowd. Was I lost ? I knew something was wrong but my mind was not cooperating. It was staring at something beyond nothingness and I could feel nothing but a deep chill seeping down till my bones. I felt devoid of air, devoid of life, as if i had been stuffed into a freezer with no protection.

I needed a familiar face and I needed someone to hold on to. I needed someone to pull me out. But amidst all those people, i couldn't find a familiar soul. Someone to reach out to. They were strangers, chattering among themselves, unaware of my existence., unaware of my pain. I felt like I was the last person standing and yet i felt dead. And then from somewhere I felt a hand reaching out and holding mine. I could feel the warmth spreading through me. I could feel life coming back to me. I was no longer numb with fear and pain. I could suddenly feel pain. Tears rolled down even as my heart melted away. into nothingness. There were no words exchanged, just a glance, i think. But as those two hands held me, I knew things will be fine. I don't know whose hands they were but i know they gave me succor. I know they brought me back from the vast never ending emptiness. I was staring into. I could feel the air in my lungs and the blood in my veins. I was back and with that realization, I snapped out of it.

I opened my eyes only to find myself in my bed. It was just a dream ! But a dream that is etched in my memory. A dream that I vividly remember which is an unusual thing in itself. Even today when i see things going wrong, i can feel that warmth of those hands and that is the only thing that lets me carry on. I can feel the warmth and i can feel my heart as it started beating with renewed hope. But today reality clouds my perception. I cannot completely feel the intensity of that one moment. I don't feel the pain either. Just the feeling of life coming back. Just the feeling of having found someone to hold onto. I wish i could get that same feeling, just one more time. Sometimes, I wish i were dreaming still. Only to feel that warmth again. Only to hold those hands again. Only to see those eyes filled with understanding again.

Some moments are like that. They leave an imprint on your life, for a very long time to come.

Those deep brown eyes...

I see your little brown eyes staring at me through the bars and I try not to think of what they can see. I give you food and water and my silent words. I follow your life as I would follow mine. I have seen you grow up from that tiny helpless being to this scampering, fighting adult. Over the months, I have cared for you with all my might but then one day I know, it is going to be the time for your last night. For the day when you will be just another subject. Just another answer and just another number. I tell myself this over and over again but your eyes still pierce my shell.

I can see death as I stare into the mirror. I can feel the pain that you may never feel. I feel your heart racing in my hand and I feel my heart racing too. Out of fear and out of guilt. I try to keep you away from the truth through a veil of darkness but somewhere, deep down inside, I think you know.

I feel your soft skin as I hold you in my hand. I can see the future and I know I am the cause. I see your struggle against the inevitable. I know you sense the future and I know you don't like it. I try not to pain you, even as I do the unmentionable. They tell me you don't feel a thing and that you are now in a blissful sleep. I pinch and prod only to make sure they are right. They tell me I should be calm, for you can feel my pulse through my fingers and I hope that you can feel my pain too.

My pain at giving you pain. My regrets at letting them do it. But then they tell me, it is inevitable and that I should look at the bigger picture. That some people must suffer for the greater good of many. And that your death was inevitable, and this way I just learnt more through it. They tell me you've made a difference in your death. I rationalize my actions and I try to look at the bigger picture. I say to myself, I am only the means and the end is already pre-ordained. I say to myself though I find it hard to believe that your life is justified by the end because that's what you were meant to do.

And then, I wonder if I too am just another mode of inquiry. If my life too rests at someone's mercy ? And if I too am fighting the inevitable ? Am also just another pawn who is unable to see the bigger picture ? Am I struggling in vain for someone higher up is pulling my strings too? Am I also clothed in veil of darkness, a veil I am trying to break through.

Even as these thoughts haunt me, I know I have other things to take care of. And so I listen to them and shut my mind off. I get busy and my mind moves onto other matters, only to be reminded again when I find another you peeking through those doors and nibbling at my fingers.

For those who are wondering ....

Something to Laugh about... :)

Word Games - Alternate Meaning for Various Words

The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of the winning entries:

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

Meagre (adj), What an ogre calls him- or herself

Buccaneer(n), an awfully high price to pay for corn (Buck an ear)

Liabilities (n), the ability to lie

Semantics : Pranks conducted by young men studying for priesthood

Thanks are due to R and R for sharing these on facebook...

Some food for thought about food.... :)

As I sit here almost 8000 miles away from home, trying to pen down an article on request, there are many things that are flooding my mind. But since I have been asked to talk about food, I am going to try and restrict myself to it. I am not a connoisseur or a gastronome. I am a simple person who eats to live (and not the lives to eat kind) and who believes in cooking well to eat well. I have very few preferences in terms of food and as Phoebe once said, I can eat almost anything without a face (being brought up as a vegetarian does leave you a little disadvantaged in that one arena that faces become unappetizing…). I have also almost always had a very high threshold for taste and smell perceptions and that just means that I need a lot of salt to taste the saltiness, a lot of spice to taste the spiciness, a lot of sugar to get the sweetness, I am sure you get the drift by now which is that, I basically needed a lot of anything to sense it, one way or another. I was a survivor in some sense. Quite unlike the gourmet friends of mine, I could eat almost any food and not complain – be it the mess food or the food at some other unmentionable places (unmentionable because I am still not rich enough to spend money on libel cases, you see !).

My introduction to food as an art and an experience happened after my introduction to IISc and a few people (unmentionable now, because of privacy issues than the fear of libel) who surrounded me and who kept talking about the texture of food, the smells, the looks, the subtle tastes and a whole lot of such stuff which was completely unpalatable (pun intended) to someone like me. More often than not, I was left amazed at the sensory acuity of my friends… (one of them could actually smell food and tell if the salt was right.. !!! (Wowo… and at this point you should imagine me staring at her with my not so very well-known “jaw-dropping look”)

But that was the beginning and from that shaky beginning I have now evolved to see the very many pleasures of food. I have started to explore diverse cuisines and to note the finer points of the entire culinary expedition. I find it fascinating to now eat a morsel of food and to try and discern the components that built it… I mean, the spices, the herbs, the vegetables that went in… The subtle flavor of oregano or pepper, salt or mustard, basil or cumin, garlic or ginger etc etc…. I find it fascinating that people can actually do that !! I have also started noticing the kind of food that I like more than a few others, I have started paying attention to the texture of food, the amount of oil, the possible variations etc (the fact that I didn’t have a PhD on going to pay attention to did help enormously… truth be told). I assure you that it would have seemed like a lot of indulgence and vanity to me too perhaps a few years ago but now I can see the art and the craft underneath. I have started to appreciate the view of the connoisseurs. After all no pursuit can be trivial and while books interest me, food could interest someone else. And more often than not having food could kill you while not having a book will only upset you a little.

I also realize now that my unbridled spirit in dealing with ingredients was kind of kept in check by the fear that I could have others consuming (and perhaps commenting) on the fruits of my labor. A physical distance from such daunting responsibility and a solitary existence in distant lands, has now truly liberated me from the bonds of tradition and culinary shows. I now cook for myself knowing fully well that I will still love myself no matter how the food turns out and I experiment with gay abandon. I mix ingredients just because they appeal to me and I match recipes. The fact that I have to cook for myself has only opened up a new journey and I am loving it so far. Cooking can be therapeutic in some ways. Coming back from a crazy day at work with a disastrous experiments, pushy bosses and dumb colleagues, cooking can be a relaxing activity. One at least gets a good meal at the end of the day and the joy of creating something new is an added bonus. It is an experience that I treasure and look forward to. I am exploring a whole new world and as Mac Donald’s says it “I’m lovin it”.

But then through all these years, there has been one thing that has been a constant in my life – my sweet tooth (I didn’t lose it when I lost my milk teeth and grew the permanent set !!). While, I was quite unaffected by most food and not really choosy about what I put in my mouth (well, there is a child in me still ;)); there was one thing which really got me dreaming and drooling. Desserts!!! Oooo wonderful desserts!! Through the more physiological endorphin and dopamine release the desserts – cakes, pastries, cheese cakes, mousse, muffins, chocolates… have made many a rotten day feel better. I have often craved for some simple sugar and chocolate combination when things have been going far from good and my friends have pampered me through. From a cheese cake at amma’s to the ganashe tart at Freska’s to sometimes the Tiramisu at Miller’s, I have relished many a fine desserts. I have also realised that my weakness lies in the combination of a bitter-sweet taste of dark chocolate or coffee and sugar, like life as it is (well… I knew there was a philosopher in me all along). I love the chocolate melting in my mouth even as the nuts give me something to chew upon. I love the warmth of the molten chocolate as it seeps through the cold vanilla ice cream and I love the sweet mascarpone cheese even as the coffee soaked sponge cake crumbles in my mouth. If there were a heaven, I would say that I have seen glimpses of it and I am very happy with it too… J

But then, here lies the challenge for the future, through my culinary explorations, I have still not ventured into the land of desserts, simply because it sounds like a sacrilege to me!!! But one day I do hope to make a leap of faith and try my hand at some of these bits of heaven accessible to ordinary mortals like us… Till then I console myself saying that there should be something in man’s reach but just out of his grasp. After all it gives us something to look forward to. So as I prepare myself for my giant leap (sometime in the future) I continue to dabble with smells, textures, colors and tastes as I explore the world of culinary perfection though my own humble means.

As a sincere advice, I would say “the devil lies in the details” and one must watch out for what one puts into their mouth… it is a rewarding experience…

Happy eating and happier cooking to you all !!

The value of self...

I have dwelled for the past week in the classical era of european art music and have been a part of the lives of the Mozart family.

I am not being delusional or schizophrenic but my introduction to the Mozarts comes through a book by Nancy Moser called as "Mozart's sister". Reading about the book in one of the other blogs had piqued my interest a long time ago but then I finally got around to getting and reading the book only recently.

Through this work of historical fiction the author traces the life of Nannerl Mozart, the sister of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, a composer whose name will not be forgotten from the history of music for eons to come. But then why this focus on the life of his sister and not on the maestro himself ?

Well, Nannerl was an equally gifted musician, if not as prodigious as Mozart. However, despite the talent and the ability, the world sang paeans to Mozart and his musical gifts, while the name of Nannerl Mozart was gradually erased from the sands of time. She was a dutiful daughter and a sister in addition to being an accomplished musician but her gender and the social mores of her time bound her talent and kept them captive to the demands of domesticity. While I empathized with her and her limitations, i also thought that she lacked a certain spirit and will which are essential for people, especially women to survive in a society dominated by men. The book is written through the character of Nannerl and does a fairly good job of giving you an understanding of her circumstances. One can feel her pain as she sees opportunities snatched from her and handed over to her brother. She is tormented by her desire for fame and opportunity along with a sense of jealousy for her brother. She battles with these emotions till much later into her life and the book does justice to her sentiments.

But what really caught my mind was the simple, one lined, question on the dust jacket - "Is the recognition she longs for the truest measure of her gifts ?"

It is a question that comes up every now and then. We are all social creatures and the opinions of the society do have a grip on us. I have often attempted to wrest myself free of this "need/desire" for appreciation and approval and after many years, i find myself much better off. But, i still do value the opinions of a few dear to me.

Why do we crave for this sense of appreciation realizing fully well that it does not in any way, shape or form truly reflect our ability or potential ? A society's perception of good and bad is determined by many factors and they are based on components other than the objective truth. Yet we crave for approval. For fame. For appreciation. For recognition.

Why ?
I guess, I want to be sure of my evaluation of myself and my work and perhaps i also want to be more objective of what I do and think ! I often worry that I am perhaps more human than I realize and give myself a lot more leeway than is rightfully deserved. At such points I like to hear the honest opinion of a trusted few to know that I have indeed done the right thing in the right way.

Being able to be immune to the words of others is a quality that serves as a double edged sword. On the one hand, it leads me to imagine characters such as Howard Roark who work for the sheer joy it brings and not for the appreciation or the rewards that it may entail. These are people who are extremely egoistic (in the truest sense of the word) and are beyond caring for the opinions of other people. On the other extreme are also the self centered people who are unable to think beyond themselves and their needs. They work to further their interests without any concern for anyone else but their concerns are usually dependent on the existence of others... the prestige, the honor, the pleasure - all in the eyes of the others ! These are a class of selfish parasites who have been ably dealt with by Ayn Rand in her books. But in between these two extremes, lies perhaps, the majority of mankind !! We are all not egositic enough to be beyond the need for the approval and praise of the society... But then, neither are we willing to live a life of complete selfishness.

We still crave for approval and appreciation even as we try and pursue our dreams.
But, is it worth it ?
"Is the recognition we long for the truest measure of our gifts ?"

Ignorance is Bliss ?

"Yet ah ! why should they know their fate,
Since sorrow never comes too late,
And happiness too swiftly flies ?
Thought would destroy their paradise,
No more; where ignorance is bliss,
'Tis folly to be wise. "

- A Poem by Thomas Gray.

"Was ignorance bliss ? Was it folly to be wise ? Although sometimes I longed for God to tell me what was in store, I knew it best that He kept it from me. There was enough pain in the present. Why borrow it from the future ?"

An excerpt from "Mozart's sister", a novel by Nancy Moser which is currently keeping me engrossed.

Kahlil Gibran and his works have fascinated me for a couple of years now but I have never managed to read a book of his from beginning to end. Every now and then I revisit his work (this time the reason was a post I read) and glean a few gems... a few words that stay with me, a few thoughts that I echo and a few images that I cannot forget...

Here are a few from my visit this time....

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Said a blade of grass to an autumn leaf, "You make such a noise falling! You scatter all my winter dreams."
Said the leaf indignant, "Low-born and low-dwelling! Songless, peevish thing! You live not in the upper air and you cannot tell the sound of singing."
Then the autumn leaf lay down upon the earth and slept. And when spring came she waked again -- and she was a blade of grass.
And when it was autumn and her winter sleep was upon her, and above her through all the air the leaves were falling, she muttered to herself, "O these autumn leaves! They make such a noise! They scatter all my winter dreams."

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"Your thought is a tree rooted deep in the soil of tradition and whose branches grow in the power of continuity. My thought is a cloud moving in the space. It turns into drops which, as they fall, form a brook that sings its way into the sea. Then it rises as vapour into the sky. Your thought is a fortress that neither gale nor the lightning can shake. My thought is a tender leaf that sways in every direction and finds pleasure in its swaying. Your thought is an ancient dogma that cannot change you nor can you change it. My thought is new, and it tests me and I test it morn and eve.

You have your thought and I have mine.

Your thought allows you to believe in the unequal contest of the strong against the weak, and in the tricking of the simple by the subtle ones. My thought creates in me the desire to till the earth with my hoe, and harvest the crops with my sickle, and build my home with stones and mortar, and weave my raiment with woollen and linen threads. Your thought urges you to marry wealth and notability. Mine commends self-reliance. Your thought advocates fame and show. Mine counsels me and implores me to cast aside notoriety and treat it like a grain of sand cast upon the shore of eternity. Your thought instils in your heart arrogance and superiority. Mine plants within me love for peace and the desire for independence. Your thought begets dreams of palaces with furniture of sandalwood studded with jewels, and beds made of twisted silk threads. My thought speaks softly in my ears, “Be clean in body and spirit even if you have nowhere to lay your head.” Your thought makes you aspire to titles and offices. Mine exhorts me to humble service.

You have your thought and I have mine."

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"Everything in life is good; even gold, for it teaches a lesson. Money is like a stringed instrument; he who does not know how to use it properly will hear only discordant music. Money is like love; it kills slowly and painfully the one who withholds it, and it enlivens the other who turns it upon his fellow man."

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Song of the flower ...

I am a kind word uttered and repeated
By the voice of Nature;
I am a star fallen from the
Blue tent upon the green carpet.
I am the daughter of the elements
With whom Winter conceived;
To whom Spring gave birth; I was
Reared in the lap of Summer and I
Slept in the bed of Autumn.

At dawn I unite with the breeze
To announce the coming of light;
At eventide I join the birds
In bidding the light farewell.

The plains are decorated with
My beautiful colors, and the air
Is scented with my fragrance.

As I embrace Slumber the eyes of
Night watch over me, and as I
Awaken I stare at the sun, which is
The only eye of the day.

I drink dew for wine, and hearken to
The voices of the birds, and dance
To the rhythmic swaying of the grass.

I am the lover's gift; I am the wedding wreath;
I am the memory of a moment of happiness;
I am the last gift of the living to the dead;
I am a part of joy and a part of sorrow.

But I look up high to see only the light,
And never look down to see my shadow.
This is wisdom which man must learn.

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When my sorrow was born...

When my sorrow was born I nursed it with care, and watched over it with loving tenderness.
And my Sorrow grew like all living things, strong and beautiful and full of wondrous delights.
And we loved one another, my Sorrow and I, and we loved the world about us; for Sorrow had a kindly heart and mine was kindly with Sorrow.
Amd when we conversed, my Sorrow and I, our days were winged and our nights were girdled with dreams; for Sorrow had an eloquent tongue, and mine was eloquent with Sorrow.
And when we sang together, my Sorrow and I, our neghbors sat at their windows and listenend; for our songs were deep as the sea and our melodies were full of strange memories.
And when we walked together, my Sorrow and I, people gazed at us with gentle eyes and whispered in words of exceeding sweetness. And there were those who looked with envy upon us, for Sorrow was a noble thing and I was proud with Sorrow.
But my Sorrow died, like all living things, and alone I am left to muse and ponder.
And now when I speak my words fall heavily upon my ears.
And when I sing my songs my neighbours come not to listen.
And when I walk the streets no one looks at me.
Only in my sleep I hear voices saying in pity, "See, there lies the man whose Sorrow is dead."

And when my joy was born...

And when my joy was born I held it in my arms and stood on the house-top shouting, "Come ye, my neighbours, come and see, for Joy this day is born unto me. Come and behold this gladsome thing that laugheth in the sun."
But none of my neighbours came to look upon my Joy, and great was my astonishment.
And every day for seven moons I proclaimed my Joy from the house-top -- and yet no one heeded me. And my Joy and I were alone, unsought and unvisited.
Then my Joy grew pale and weary because no other heart but mine held its loveliness and no other lips kissed its lips.
Then my Joy died of isolation.
And now I only remember my dead Joy in remembering my dead Sorrow. But memory is an autumn leaf that murmurs in the wind and then is heard no more.

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On Friendship

Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.


When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.


And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

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Till my next visit... :)

Its been a year... !!!!

I go back in time on the blogroll and I see that it has been a year since I started this blog *

A year !!

It has been a long time indeed but to me it seems like a haze. The last year seems to have hurried past me while i was running past one deadline to another and now when I pause and look back, a lot has happened in the past 365 days...

- A blog, which was a new beginning in my life from what it was! I decided to start writing this blog as a chronicle of my life to enable me revisit my experiences despite my failing memory. Over a period of the last one year, this piece of me has been instrumental in leading me closer to old friends and new. It has made me realize more things about me and my people. It has been my silent friend, confidante and champion. It has been my voice and my sounding board. Through this blog, i have opened myself to vistas I never deemed possible. It has been a rewarding experience in more ways than one ! I have discovered a joy in writing, although, I occasionally do question the wisdom of leaving my thoughts open to public scrutiny. But then, I have also enjoyed hearing from my friends and strangers on the blogosphere.

- A degree. The culmination of five years of hard work has finally given me a doctorate in philosphy... :) I should be thrilled and ecstatic but somehow i never let it register amidst the flurry of activity that marked the last year.

- A big move. A new city, a new job and a new country ! Thousands of miles away from what was my home for all my life so far, I now embark on a new journey. Amidst fears, uncertainties and strangers, i am finding my foothold and am building a new life - all on my own.

- A friendship restored, a bond regained !!! (nothing else need be said but that I re-found a friendship that almost seemed lost to me... and that has been another landmark event for the past year... ).

- A few friends gained and a few lost... as is always the case.

- I discovered the sheer, indescribable joy that surprises can bring...

- I saw old friendships maturing with time... from little girls giggling about the silly things in life, we were young women talking about our lives and our futures. It was a sight to behold.

- I saw my first research paper getting published - a validation of my scientific competence and aptitude. It gave me a feeling of being a part of the community of scientists. It gave me a feeling of having been through an essential rite of passage.

- I started acquiring the ability to ask for help. I had been a rigid believer in doing your job, yourself and your way without bothering anyone else with your troubles. But then the last year has pushed me to limits that i have had to seek out help and it has been a good experience. To know that you have people you can depend on, on your worst days is a very uplifting thought and i have truly come to accept this thought over the past one year only.

The past year has been a bit of a roller coaster ride that has had me sitting at the edge of my seat for more reasons than one. It has left me exhilarated and exhausted at the same time. :)
I now hope to take a breather as I pause and let life walk with me. I intend to take things easier this year as i explore newer dimensions of my life....

Cheers to the noble thought :) !!


*as a regular blogger

Unity in differences...

We are friends despite the seemingly big differences that alter our approaches and shift our perspectives dramatically.

While you believe, that problems, issues and thoughts should be framed in words, dissected, analyzed and resolved, I shy away from words. I like having some of my thoughts freed from the bondage of words. Irrational as it may sound, to me molding my thoughts into words makes them real. I can wish away my fears as long as they are in my head but the moment they enter the shared space of our thoughts and minds, I feel like my fears have become real.

To me some things are best left unsaid.
To me silences can speak more than the words and relationships can hear the sounds of silence.

To you, knowledge of your loved one is instrumental while to me it is almost immaterial.

While you believe in molding a relationship, I believe in letting it have a life of its own.

Trust and hope come easily to you while my pragmatism struggles with my hopes everyday.

While you believe in changing people, I believe that people can never change that attempting to change them is criminal in some ways.

While you believe that our relationships, give us rights over each other, I believe that we are all free spirits with no one having any authority on us and we having no power over anyone else.

While you believe that mutual consonance strengthens a relationship and disagreements can cause rifts; I believe that disagreements like friction are good in modest amounts. Like friction, disagreements infuse warmth and trust into a relationship. They can also shed new light that offers a new perspective !

While you seek for resonance, I am happy with knowing that you will be beside me no matter what, showing me the right path and leading me along.

While you strive for understanding, of yourself and others, I look for acceptance and tolerance - just as we are.

Maybe some day, we will find the right words or someday, we will not need any words... but till then,
we are in many ways like the two faces of a coin - very different and yet bound together by unity. In some ways, we complete each other while in some others we don't understand each other.

Different approaches and different perspectives but all to the same end... because we are, after all, friends who care.

Growing my wings...

I see shared laughters', warm embraces and stolen glances. I see hands holding onto each other as their disparate lives slip into a warm embrace. I see their lives melting into each other as they talk oblivious of the world around. I see forms merging into each other as if made for each other. I see chemistry crackling between two people, like that's all they were meant to do. I see laughter and affection. I see shared thoughts, dreams and expressions.

And then...

I see life taking control, as the distances grow...and words supplant the glances even as the hands struggle to hold onto each other. I see the warm embraces disappear into the haze of everyday existence. I see people drift apart.

I see two people coming together for brief instances only to drift apart... And yet, they manage to let themselves go. They let themselves get carried away by the ebb of life, and by love, holding onto nothing but each other.

And here I stand wondering, how do they do it ? How do they let go of themselves so completely - each time and every time! Some may think it is weakness to be so frivolous with emotions but to me it seems like a lot of strength. It is easy to live in a cocoon protecting oneself, but it is difficult to break open the shell and to let one self be vulnerable to a stranger.

I wonder how they do it and then i think that perhaps the caterpillar can only break the cocoon when ready to fly... !!! Till then, he just has to bide his time and grow his wings.... :)

Waiting for the calm...

Solitude has been a long time friend of mine. For a long time now, I have been comfortable being alone. I have acclimatised well and have learnt to cherish the sound of silence. I have learnt to talk to my deeper self and I have accepted that it is better to be alone than with bad company (bad of course refers purely with respect to my taste in people and not in any absolute sense). I have indulged my creative spirits and have found new ways to challenge my mind. I have found ample company in my books and my thoughts. So much so, that over the years, solitude has become a necessity for me. I like my long walks and i have liked my silent conversations with myself. I was also lucky to find a set of friends who understood this need of mine and let me have my space. I like my moments of quiet and silence. Unlike others, i have come to need my space. Strangely, I find that this empty space completes me.

But now, despite my friendship with solitude, I encounter loneliness. Like a raging storm wave that catches the shore unawares, loneliness often manages to catch me unguarded. There are times when I ache to hear my people, to hear them talk and laugh, to listen to their stories and to laugh with them. I wish to talk to them about the daily mundane if only to crib and rant... But then even as these waves break on me, I stand still like the sea shore and wait for the waves to recede. I wait for the tide to pass and I wait for the winds to break. And then as the sun comes back again, I can feel the warmth of the world. But then, with every storm, I find myself a little different each time. A part of me is lost each time even as i find newer aspects of my being...

A little less and a little more - only to find myself anew...

A dream to chase...

"If you had all the money you wanted, what would you like to do ?"

This was a question I was recently asked and since I had a list which I had fantasized about for several years now, I could answer pretty spontaneously. But the question did get me started on formalizing the list. I decided to prioritize my dreams/wishes so that destiny (if it exists) and I are both not confused about what I want...

Well, it is a pretty fancy situation to be in... imagine all the time and money in the world !!! So, I decided to build a dream life for myself... A happy place I can go back to every time life gets too "real" to handle... !!! Friends and family are definitely a part of my dream but to start with, I just decided to dream about a future for me !!

A dream - with a quiet home by the sea, such that I can go for long walks on the beach with my friends, family and my dog (I've always wanted a big, hairy dog... :)). Call it fulfilling a childhood dream or a wish from adulthood, but having a dog around me, was always high on my priorities... :)

I guess after a quiet morning with my cup of coffee, my dog and my newspaper, I would want to spend some time writing. Writing about what and why, are questions I haven't yet imagined answers to, but I sure hope to find the answers soon !!

There are some things I've wanted to learn for a very long time - painting being one of them. The existence of a keen interest and some rudimentary skill (glimpses of which are seen occasionally) make me want to explore my creative instincts through colors, lines and forms. Reality doesn't attract me and when I think of painting, I only think of thoughts wrapped in lines, shapes, colors and forms. And so with all the time and money at my disposal, I wish to explore my creative instincts....

Another skill that I've always wanted to acquire is to play a musical instrument, preferably a violin. From the deep, soul-wringing melancholy to the pure ecstasy of being, the violin has always made me feel alive !! I find in its music an experience that transcends the ordinary and takes one closer to experiencing pure, unadulterated bliss !!

Books !!! They have been a very important part of my life and will perhaps always be !! They have been a life long passion and a never ending quest for me.... the more I read, the more I find i want to read. My idea of a happy life always included a library at home and having the complete freedom to dream, only takes me closer to that desire !!

Travel and photography... while they seem the most popular choices on everyone's wish list, i "really, really" want to travel... leisurely, slowly, with all the awareness that i can possibly muster. I want to explore the world, its people, culture and its history... I do not refer to only the tourist destinations but to the cities, the people and the stories in them - of castles and manors, of kings and queens, of battles and deaths, of people and their lives... I wish to travel the world to see it by my own eyes and to feel its pulse in my heart... !! My love for photography compels me to hope and to capture these moments - of the world and of my experiences in it, for posterity. Through my lenses, I wish to freeze these moments of my life into tiny magical potions that I could revisit at a moments notice.

And finally If I were to summarize my wish list in one word - it would be "verve"... a life of spirit and enthusiasm.... I hope I chase my dreams with all the vitality that i can muster despite the everyday grind...

I hope to have a life - well fought and well lived... !!!

Fingers crossed !!! ;)

Makes me wonder about your dreams to chase ?

Things I wish I remember...

These are some thoughts friends have left me with and these are things are intend to remember....
I wish I remember these notes all the time, every time...

"You are fully capable of pushing yourself and your limits.. i know you want to do the maximum that can be in 24 hours.. that you want no time wasted.. you want to run fast and get somewhere.. even if you don't know where that somewhere is.. you don't want to stagnate.. that you want to keep moving.. after all the rolling stones gathers no moss..

but while doing all that.. don't forget to look around.. don't forget that as you are trying to achieve something, life may just pass you by.. so do try to stop take a breather and celebrate how far you have got.. not to make you complacent.. but to give you the impetus to move further.. to accelerate the enthusiasm.. to see how many people are happy for you.. the people who are with you.. will not only encourage/appreciate you.. but also ground you..

don't forget that today your body is agile.. and will survive whatever you do to it! but in your tomorrow.. anything you do today, will reflect.. take care of it.. respect it.. you just need to listen to it.. and you are fine.. you are learning to appreciate your judgment and gut instincts.. :) go with it.. and you will be fine..

take care of yourself..
no matter what you do or achieve.. its YOU that your people will love, not your achievements..
though of course there wont be anyone happier/prouder of what you achieve..
do be a go-getter.. but exercise a little caution.. for the sake of the ones who love you.."

"Life is not always unfair. Things can never go that bad. Don't be scared thinking that things will always go bad. Even by the law of averages, things will change for the better... "

"I Believe I Can Fly"

I used to think that I could not go on

And life was nothing but an awful song
But now I know the meaning of true love
I'm leaning on the everlasting arms

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me, oh

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

Hey, cause I believe in me, oh

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

Hey, if I just spread my wings
I can fly
I can fly
I can fly, hey
If I just spread my wings
I can fly
Fly-eye-eye

---

R Kelly

I have always loved the idea of flight. In my mind, flight has always been associated with freedom - freedom from bondages, fears, inhibitions and pain, of exploring life uninhibited, the idea of being one with the wind, having it whisper into your ears and reaching heights never seen before, has always held a grip on me....

But then, in the humdrum of everyday life, i often forget this dream of mine... It gets buried under a patina of monotony, duty and routine and like the tarnish on bronze, the winds of time and change end up feeding on my dream. But then, this song breathes life into my dream. It reminds me of flight and the very idea of it has the ability to make me happy and serene. This is a song that takes me closer to my dream and my vision...

In moments of despair, in moments of joy, in moments of solitude and in moments of loneliness... This song has the uncanny ability to calm me down and make me want to fly.

It never fails to reconnect me to my dream.
It never fails to make me want to fly... it makes me want to give another try... !!!

Its a song I love and it makes my day in the darkest hours...

A childhood lesson...

A brief glimpse down the memory lane made me recall this one sentence which was a constant companion through my school days. Hours were spent in the evenings, trying to write this sentence multiple times in cursive hand -

"A quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog".

I was always amazed by the fact that this simple sentence contains all the alphabets in the english language (which of course made it a pangram) !

I used to occasionally wonder how many of these are around...

And then a simple google search on a lazy monday morning yielded a huge list of pangrams.... none of these however seemed as elegant as this one simple sentence...

Here is a partial list that i came across.... Wonder if you have any ?

• Nymphs blitz quick vex dwarf jog. (27 letters)
• Big fjords vex quick waltz nymph. (27 letters)
• Bawds jog, flick quartz, vex nymph. (27 letters)
• Bawds jog, flick quartz, vex nymphs. (28 letters)
• Waltz, bad nymph, for quick jigs vex! (28 letters)
• Fox nymphs grab quick-jived waltz. (28 letters)
• Glib jocks quiz nymph to vex dwarf. (28 letters)
• Bright vixens jump; dozy fowl quack. (29 letters)
• Vexed nymphs go for quick waltz job. (29 letters)
• Jack fox bids ivy-strewn phlegm quiz (30 letters)
• How quickly daft jumping zebras vex. (30 letters)
• Two driven jocks help fax my big quiz. (30 letters)
• "Now fax quiz Jack!" my brave ghost pled. (30 letters)
• Vamp fox held quartz duck just by wing. (31 letters)
• Five quacking zephyrs jolt my wax bed. (31 letters
• The five boxing wizards jump quickly. (31 letters)
• Jackdaws love my big sphinx of quartz. (31 letters)
  
• Kvetching, flummoxed by job, W.zaps Iraq. (32 letters)
  
• My ex pub quiz crwd gave joyful thanks. (32 letters)
• Few quips galvanized the mock jury box. (32 letters)
• The jay, pig, fox, zebra, and my wolves quack! (33 letters)
• Quizzical twins proved my hijack-bug fix. (34 letters)
• The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. (35 letters) (Used to test typewriters and computer keyboards, and as sample text; famous for its coherency, dating back to 1888)
• Wolf zombies spot the jinxed grave. (36 letters)
• Heavy boxes perform quick waltzes and jigs. (36 letters)
• A quick chop jolted my big sexy frozen wives. (36 letters)
• A wizard’s job is to vex chumps quickly in fog. (36 letters)
• Sympathizing would fix Quaker objectives. (36 letters)
  
• Pack my red box with five dozen quality jugs. (36 letters)
• Fake bugs put in wax jonquils drive him crazy. (37 letters)
• Woven silk pyjamas exchanged for blue quartz. (38 letters)
  
• Brawny gods just flocked up to quiz and vex him. (38 letters)
• My faxed joke won a pager in the cable TV quiz show. (39 letters)
• The quick onyx goblin jumps over the lazy dwarf. (39 letters)
  

Happily forgetful and forgetfully happy !!!

Memory - our ability to remember.
Who would not want more of it ? We all yearn to remember a little more - that one extra book, one more dialogue, another new name or that old wicked answer !! Intelligence is often understood to be linked with a sharp memory. Almost all of us would like to have a fabulous memory - to be able to recall every tiny detail, as we try and pack our brains with as many facts, figures and details as we possibly can. In our attempts to remember everything, we lose track of the fact that forgetting is no less important.

In fact, as someone rightly said - "What makes us human is not our ability to remember. It is our ability to forget."

Imagine remembering every tiny detail about every single day for years on end. An excess of memory and we would find our mind cluttered with the minutiae of everyday existence - the shape of the cup, the crack on the side, the level of the tea, the temperature outside, the day, date and time, the brand of tea, the texture of the scones, the colors, the smells, the feelings and the emotions - All this with one cup of tea. Imagine this on a daily basis. for every activity of the day and you can imagine the nightmare that it will be. It would become impossible to glean relevant information in a timely manner from these heaps of facts. It would be like fishing for a needle in haystack all the time.

Now, imagine surviving the horrors of the world with such tireless memory. Our adverse experiences haunting us forever with the same intensity as that of the initial experience. One's entire life would just become a ceaseless trauma. The past would haunt us forever simply because we remember it far too well, to let go.

And this is why forgetting is more important than remembering. The ability of our brain to weed out unnecessary information as it builds connections in the brain is what makes us human. It is indeed this so called "handicap" of ours, this inability to remember that becomes our true strength.
And thus, every time I feel like kicking myself for not recalling that book, that line or that story, and when i catch myself wishing for more hard disk in my head, i show myself the possible consequences of having a great memory.... :)

And then I am back to my happier forgetful self again... :)

A tiny list that keeps me going... :)

Sitting by the window ledge sipping chocolate all snuggled in a blanket...Walking on the beach with the waves lapping at my feet... traveling the world to capture its glory through my lenses....translating the visions of my mind on to a blank paper.... Sitting by a brook listening to its heart beat.... walking on a long country road, smelling the grass... listening to the rain drops... walking on the dew drops... gazing at the night sky... sitting on an open lawn as the sun sleeps and the moon stays on guard with you by my side... hearing the silences that dwell in the heart of the mountain peaks... listening to the sounds of the jungle... making wood sing... reading by the lamp light in a place of my own... feeling the wetness on the nose of my favorite canine waking me up on a lazy morning... snuggling up in my blanket without a care in the world... playing with colors... walking like the roads never end... flying with the wind in my hair... gliding like a bird... swimming like the fish exploring the depths unseen...

A tiny list that keeps me going... :)

The inheritance of time...

Of the many things that we inherit, I am most amazed by our ability to view the past and the future while still trudging through the present.

We get a glimpse of our future in the life of our parents.
It is amazing how, as we grow, we tend to become more and more like them. While the nature vs nurture debate is still on going, the fact of the matter is, that we inherit both of these from them in more ways than one. Appearances, mannerisms, attitudes, aptitudes, priorities are all inherited from them in some measure, modified by the ways of the world and then passed on further. And thus, as part of our true inheritance we can potentially visualize our future in the lives of our parents. Few rarely realize or appreciate this gift of foresight. Foresight, about the consequences of our actions and their impact on us and the world. If only we would learn the right lessons and remember them long enough, we could carve out a very different future for ourselves. The tragedy of life however is that in avoiding some mistakes, we end up making others but then at least one knows that "they tried" to make a difference.

We also get a chance to re-live our childhoods with a greater awareness of it through our children. It gives us the ability to peep into a past, to sit down and revisit our childhood for its simple pleasures, amidst the flurry of daily activity. Our children are an essence of us that we leave behind in the world. They give us an opportunity to make the changes that we desired. They give us an opportunity to revisit some experiences with greater clarity and experience. They provide us with an opportunity to rectify the errors of the past and to lay a better foundation for the future.

Thus, our true inheritance lies in our being able to view a glimpse of our future in our present and to revisit our past. I wish I am able to learn the right lessons and remember them too....

I wish...

I want to share the calm of a sun set with you...
I want to feel the chillness of the winds with the warmth of your hand...
I want to breathe the peace of a sunrise with you...
I want to feel the glistening early morning dew on my feet with you....
I want to walk in the rains holding onto you...
I want to gaze at the night sky with you by my side...
I want to leave my footprints in the sand with you to hold my hand...
I want to tell you the reason for my every tear and my every smile...
I want to have you by my side when I sleep only to find you there when i wake up...
I want to run to you like a child with careless abandon...
I want to listen to you for hours on end...
I want to tell you all I can...
I want to find myself through you even as I lose myself...
I want to grow old with you...
I want to dance with you to the tune of ecstasy, every day of my life...
I want to see the world through your eyes even as I expand my vision...
I want to walk with you for as long as I can, through the deepest, darkest woods...
I want to learn like a child all over again, only with you...
I want to share my silences with you even as the words tumble out by the dozen...
I want to live my life with you in it, all along the way...

I wish i find you...

Like I find myself...

Living in the shadows...

Ever so often life becomes so good that nothing after that compares well to it and it leaves you feeling incomplete and miserable....
What do you do when things are good and life is filled with laughter and happiness ?

A part of me cries out in caution against letting myself go with the tide. Telling me over and over that this is just momentary and that by letting myself experience the joy, i am only increasing my sorrows in the future. It holds me back from just letting go of myself and being happy. The worry of being dependent on the source of happiness in the future and the pain in not having it close, force me, to maintain a distance from every happiness that comes across my way. Fear of not having the same in the future push me away from it in the present too... I live my life in the shadow of the past and the future.

However, even as my fears of the future cast a shadow on my present, another part of me, tells me to just let go my inhibitions and enjoy !!! To enjoy the present, the company, the moment... with careless abandon simply because it may not be there tomorrow.

How do I reconcile these two opinions ? How do I let go of the fear of pain in the future ? Isn't it akin to not learning from your mistakes in the past... ? How can one move away from the past and the future only to truly live in the present ? Is that even possible ?

Every moment in my mind, all I hear is "This too shall pass"...
How then do you live carefree ?

Adrift...

Farewells have always been difficult for me.
Unshed tears and unspoken words.
Words that always seem to fall short. Eyes that say it all. Embraces that you never want to end. Moments that keep running past the more you try and hold onto. Words that threaten to unleash the tears that you try lock away.

Farewells have always been difficult.

I thought it was difficult to be left behind but never did I realize how difficult it can be to actually move away, till I actually had to.

To move away from all that was known and certain. From all that was yours. From the anchors that held you in place to being adrift in a sea of change. To a place that feels alien. To people who seem distant. Trying to build a home so far away from home.

So much change and so much excitement that it actually leaves you yearning for some stability and some boredom !! Familiarity seems to give more comfort to the heart than the joy of new adventures. Such are the times as I look for an anchor to hold me in place in a world that seems to be moving too fast for me.

Fickle is the mind indeed as it craves for that which it does not have.