Sound-scapes of the mind...

This is a song that literally sent a chill down my spine the first time I heard it through a friend. It continues to stay with me after all these days and seems to be able to draw me from the heights of ecstasy or from the depths of anguish to bring me to a state of peace and quiet... It is certainly helping me keep my balance right now...

Be it the sounds of the violin or the music itself, this song has been playing over and over in my head for a long time now... I thought it was time it found its spot here as well. 

The passionate embrace...

In a room full of people, they stood in deep embrace.
Passionately held in each other's arms, they swayed to a rhythm and as they did, they were creating music.
Music, that was heart-breakingly beautiful and rapturous. Music that was making me go weak in the knees and sending chills down my spine.

They stood there in a crowd, cloaked with an intimacy that made me feel like an intruder. Their passion and oblivion from the rest of the world made me long for the same.
To lose oneself in trying to discover oneself anew.

They swayed with each other, neck to neck and hand in hand. They were aware of no one but themselves. They rose and fell, moved and stopped, laughed and smiled - all in perfect synchrony. They were two people with a single heart beat, a single life line. I could almost feel a pulse of electricity coursing through them both - joining them with an invisible bond. They swayed and twirled, they lurched and rolled, they cavorted and pranced - all in perfect unison as I stood there feeling nothing but awe and envy. Their eyes twinkled as they danced with joyous abandon.
They smiled to each other when they hit the perfect chord. They nodded, they whispered, they mumbled and they smiled through it all. They were two people in one passionate embrace. And they created music that had a life of its own.

For that one hour, I couldn't tell where one began and the other ended.
For that one hour, the man and his violin were creating magic and I felt lucky to have been there.

Even as my love affair with the notes of a violin continues for more than a decade now; today, I felt inspired into becoming more actively involved than just being a passive bystander. To stop waiting for that magical day when everything will fall in place but to find something now! To find something to do for the pure joy of it...
To find something to lose myself in...
And hopefully rediscover myself in the process..

Battling homogeneity...

The world is shrinking and there is no denying that.

But the world is also becoming more homogeneous and averse to differences. People are becoming the same the world over and we are becoming less and less able to talk of differences. Differences of gender, race, culture are nationality are being trivialized and even being ignored. Even talking of them seems to make one a racist or a chauvinist these days. No! I am not espousing the millions of racist or chauvinist people living all around us. I am not saying that people should be discriminated against one way or another. No!

But this post is meant for the rest of the world. The world that is so determined to be impartial, fair and politically correct - that they deny the very existence of differences. Differences between races, people, genders and social strata. 

This is a theme that has been recurrent in my thoughts, ever since a popular science writer once told us in class that when writing about women scientists one must avoid reference to their gender and simply focus on their work. But even today - almost two years since then - when I read of the Finkbeiner rule that is espoused by many science writers, I can't help but disagree. I am not saying that writers should focus on merely the gender and judge people or their work in that one dimension.

No!

But I do think, we should learn to write the whole story without any prejudice and at the same time give due respect to the person, his/her origins, character, gender and his/her story. After all, it is these things that make us who we are. Every individual is a sum of these and many other parts and these factors play a role in shaping our thought processes and formulating our decisions. Then why should we deny these differences? 

People are different.
Just because we are flooded with genomic scale data that tells us that we are 99% similar to chimps, we should not develop this perception that all men and women are similar. No. In fact, science today is grappling with the understanding of how the diversity is generated.
People are different.
Caucasians, Asians, Africans - we are all different - genetically, culturally, socially. And these are important differences. People's attitudes, priorities, choices, interests and thought processes are a summation of these and many other factors.
They are different in obvious ways - in ways that are imprinted in our genes. And these differences don't mean inferiority or superiority.
But then, instead of accepting and respecting these differences, I find it strange that the world is promoting homogenization of the world and its people. And by limiting the perception of an individual to any one dimension - we only limit our understanding of them.

I do not advocate trivializing a woman scientist to just a woman. Certainly not!
But at the same time, the "woman" part of that "woman-scientist" is not excess baggage. It tells you a lot about the journey and the story.
Women today are caught in this time-warp of sorts where they have been unable to completely break away from their traditional roles and at the same time they have successfully taken on newer roles at home and in the society. In many ways they have moved a lot faster and the rest of the world just couldn't keep up with them.

The challenges that people face in the world, because of their race, gender or background should not be brushed under the carpet. Coming from a developing country. Coming without any training in english. Being a woman. Being a man. Having a family. These are all factors that affect you and there is no reason to emphasize one versus the other.
What is needed however, is to develop an attitude in the people where such details are taken for what they are, in a non-prejudicial, perhaps even an inspirational way. What is needed is not the nullification of individuality but the open acceptance of individuality and the differences that come with it! We need to make people embrace differences again - without innately associating any value with them!!

Equality does not come from homogeneity.

It comes from appreciating the differences and from learning to value them. After  all, the best things in life are like the rainbow and they arise from the differences built into them.

Soul restoration...

There are some truths that come easily to you. The tragedy is that they are also lost easily in the daily madness of life. 

One of them is that - "Walking is good for the soul." 

Did anyone ever tell you that? Do you remember it often enough? 

I often lose track of this wonderful, inexpensive, easy past-time in the midst of that thing - rightly called the 'daily grind', because, it does leave you a little less and a little broken. Working 12 and 13 hours shifts staring at the computer screen or running between instruments is not likely to be refreshing especially with deadlines right around the corner. And they do take a toll. 

Finally, even when I decided to take a day off and abandon the world for a day - I expected a lot but that didn't do much. It sure left me feeling better physically, but it did nothing to restore the mind. The world seemed to spin faster and faster with each passing day as the hours kept shrinking and the work kept increasing - or so it seemed. 

But a walk with the wind in my face was all that was needed to make the world seem a better place. Sipping on the hot coffee with the words of PGW talking of "Jeeves' oddly shaped head" were immensely helpful but nothing is more restorative to the soul than the walk. 

The walk and the gentle wind during the wind poke these tiny holes into the cocoon that surrounds you with each passing day and somehow the heaviness that builds up with the days just falls through - gradually - seeping through the holes, like the sand slips through from that hole in the pocket that you never knew existed. And the mind feels quieter, clearer, still-er and ready to think and look beyond the obvious. A walk does that to me - each and every time without fail. It is almost as if the monotony of the task, frees up the mind to look beyond. It is almost as if your moving at a slower pace, slows the world down too. Walking, to me, is restoring the soul - just one step at a time. 

And so, Irrespective of everything else he ever said, I know Nietzsche had gotten something right when he said that “All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking.”

The circle of life...

Sometimes, its a very short road from being strangers to being acquaintances and then to become friends. Some people just fit - they talk in a way that one understands, without having to make an effort.

I have met a lot of people over the past two years but in this strange land, very few of them have left a mark. Very few of them have stayed on with me. Some of them are the people at work. Some people - I meet every day as they go about their chores and despite having seen them for months on end - our conversations would begin and end with the daily greetings. But then there were others like Ernie, who within a week of meeting him for the first time, had asked me all about my life and what a girl like me was doing single.

Ernie. :) He was big and black, punctual and talkative. But more than that he was big hearted - I could tell from the way he gave me a giant hug in the corridors when I saw him after long. That was almost two years ago because then suddenly, I just didn't see him anymore. I searched for that booming voice of his for months after that - but then I slowly resigned my hopes. I wish he had told me when he was leaving. I wish I knew where he is now, or more importantly, how he is now. Because, given a free reign, the mind only seems to conjure the worst possibilities in the realm of infinite.

And then there was Coffee... Coffee the man, not just the drink, which I can never say no to. He was from Georgia - my first southern acquaintance really.
He was a man of the kitchen - and not just because of the name - but because he was a chef. We met while I walked to the mailbox one evening to collect my mail and somehow ended up talking of life and people and the mistakes we all make. Unlike most friendships that begin on common ground, this one began from a disagreement. I disagreed with him and said so (and now I can't even remember what the whole thing was all about) but Coffee saw my point and respected that. It was a strange relationship - meeting every now and then in the parking lot on my way home only to talk of his family, wine and food. It was the first few months of my stay here and I was still trying to find my way from loneliness to solitude but when Coffee cooked a delicious meal for me in his kitchen - I was touched beyond words. And even as I debated and procrastinated having him over for a spicy Indian meal - he had gone. Gone - without a parting word but leaving behind that bottle of wine. It was the wine that I used in my first risotto. The wine, whose bottle still stands on my kitchen counter, as I hope to meet Coffee one day, and to thank him for his generosity.

And now there is Bob. As I park the car and head to the lab each morning, I search for that tall, slightly slumped, grey haired, grey-eyed figure walking around the parking lot in his blue jacket. We chat for a couple of minutes and talk of old age, memories, families, loans and life's ugly truths. He reminisces about his life as a soldier and I listen to the stories trying to find small pieces of his story, that I put together in my head.

Some times, I think these relationships mean nothing to them, but at others, I know that I care for these people and maybe they care a little too. And so when Bob says that seeing my smiling face in the morning makes his day - it makes my day better. Not just because no one has said that to me in a long time but because I am glad to make a difference to someone's life.
Because, it is nice to know that you are making a difference in the lives of some people, like someone else once did for you. I am happy to know that in that circle of life, I am doing more than just taking solace from the likes of Ernie and Coffee - that sometimes, I spread some joy too.

Stop for a day...

It has been a long time since I've even considered writing something here.
Not that life wasn't eventful - because I ended up meeting and traveling with friends after a really long time. Life was good with the holidays, the break, the meeting people, the travel and the likes.
Not that I wasn't writing - because my life was filled with words - words for work, leisure, learning and then some work... :)
I admit that time was never in plenty but then there was never even an urge to write. Somehow, my mind was too busy running and chasing its own tail... too busy to think, to slow down, to sit down and search for some different words. Words others than stem cells, therapy, brain, neurons, mouse models and the likes.
But then, after a long time, I slept well and dreamed of finding words again. Words that were lost in my race against time to do more things than I can. Words that I had hidden behind or hidden from. Words that urged me to sit down, contemplate and think.
As I look back at the past few months, all I see is the frantic flapping to try and fit in as many things as I can into my 24 hour schedule, to do as much as I can, to learn as much as I can and suddenly, I see myself reduced to a list of projects and to-do lists. Sometimes, there is so much going on that I lose track of how much is done and how much needs to be done; how much I have gained and how much I have lost.
And then yesterday, I had to stop. I let myself be tired and over whelmed and let the day fly by me. After all, the running was only warping my perspective. It took a good book and a brilliant narration of it to somehow make me find my old self - the quiet self who would smile and cry with a narrative, who would only need a book and a coffee to lose herself. It took me a whole day to rise above the concerns of experiments, tickets, deadlines and bookings and to see life for what it was and what it can be - bigger than the sum of it all.
Every now and then, one must stop and do nothing - because it is then that the mind finds its own voice which is otherwise drowning in that bustle of activity, that never-ending anxiety and that frantic attempt at doing everything. 

The introvert advantage...

Every now and then, when I am bored of my stack of unfinished books, I go pry on someone's bookshelf and see what they recommend. And I don't trust many people's taste to bank on it. But few people like Neeraja on "The Mind's Language" have earned my trust because we seem to think alike on a lot of subjects. And this time, when I trolled through the bibliography, I came across a book which would have piqued my interest but never enough for me to have picked it up.

The introvert advantage - any self-proclaimed or self-diagnosed introvert (like me) would find this irresistible. But age and experience had built in me a sense of mistrust and skepticism for the genre of self-help books and this sounds just like it. But when Neeraja reviewed the book well and clearly stated that it is not to be put aside as a self-help book, I knew I had to try it and see. And so with a lot of trepidation, I ordered the kindle edition, telling myself that I can return the book in a few days, if I don't like the sound of it - and today, halfway through the book, I am glad, I gave myself the chance.

I don't know what changed but I can say one thing for sure - nothing has fit me better than the tag of an introvert. And reading someone else going through the exact symptoms and feelings of anxiety, pressure and fatigue somehow resolved my trepidations with socializing. I was always the reflective, deep thinker who hated to talk unless there was something meaningful to say. I was the one who would  prefer writing to talking, much to the irritation and amusement of people. Surrounded by extroverts, I was always tired with too much talking. I needed my books, my coffee and my long walks. Luckily for me, my extrovert friends, managed to see the real me, buried inside and we managed well since I had the time for things that would let me be alone.

However, I was always told that I am an extrovert deep down which was somehow incomprehensible to me. But somewhere along the way, it did make me think; because, while, I did like my company to those of many others - having long chats, discussions and listening to some people also made me very happy. There was a little contradiction that was not resolved.

And then I read this book and as I read line after line, trait after trait, I kept getting happier and more excited.

It could have been me between those pages, shrinking from social sessions, group interactions and partying. It could have been me wanting to stay home reading or watching television, instead of going to clubs and dance parties. At the same time, like the author, I loved my meaty conversations over the superfluous and inconsequential chit-chat. In fact, my social skills had been severely compromised after my PhD and my move to a new country. A PhD somehow grants you the freedom to build screens around you - in fact, almost everyone does it to focus on their work and to stay away from the prying questions of outsiders.

And then my move half-way across the world left me rootless and devoid of social context. Even though the introvert me could stay happy without too much social stimulation, there was a lot that didn't make sense. From the lack of social cues and context to an inherently introvert temperament, I was certainly at a loss for words. And somehow, though I knew myself and could predict my responses and reactions almost to the 'T', I was never clear about the why's and wherefore's of it. Having read through a fair share of the book, I can say out aloud, that I am an introvert - and perhaps right down to the 'T'. And it certainly feels good to know that there are others who feel the same sense of fatigue from constant stimulation and social interaction. Because though I love trying new things and meeting new people, I like that in measured doses under control. Being thrown in the ocean of new experiences has never been thrilling to me - much to the puzzlement of my friends.

And as I soak in the words and the sentences from this book, there is part of me that is relieved because I had suspected it all along and still never been sure. And there is a part of me that is ecstatic because although there are more extroverts than introverts in the world, there are a lot more introverts than I ever knew about. And that is a good feeling...  :)

A good woman...

"A good woman" : might sound like an oxymoron to some but it is the title of a movie based on Oscar Wilde's book. His writing, as always, is trenchant, incisive and brilliant. Here are a few excerpts so that you can save yourself two hours "

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I like America. Name me another society that's gone from barbarism to decadence without bothering to create a civilization in between.

 Marital bliss is a terrible burden to place on two people, Tuppy. Sometimes a third person is needed to lighten the load.

 Undying love is like the ghost in your villa. Everybody talks about it, but try and find one person who has seen it.

 Dumby: Women inspire us to great things.
Then somehow prevent us from doing any of them.

 Men don't trust women. Women don't trust women. No one trusts women. It's what binds the Catholic and the Hindu. 

Lord Darlington: I've thought very seriously of marrying. That's why I'm still single.

Dumby: Bigamy is having more than one wife too many.
Lord Darlington: So is monogamy.

 Contessa Lucchino: If everyone knew what everyone said about each other there wouldn't be four friends in the world. 

Contessa Lucchino: My own business bores me. I much prefer other peoples.

 Tuppy: We've all got a couple of skeleton in the closet. Mrs. Erlynne: If they are going to rattle, they may as well dance.

 Mrs. Erlynne: Some women bring happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.

Dumby: One should always have a proper basis for marriage. A mutual... Lord Darlington: Misunderstanding?
Dumby: Exactly.

Lord Darlington: I find the best way to keep my word is never to give it.

Meg Windermere: Can you imagine what people would say?
Mrs. Erlynne: Well, if we're always guided by other people's thoughts what's the point of having our own?

Lord Darlington: All paying jobs absorb and degrade the mind. Robert Windemere: You never had a paying job.
Lord Darlington: I rest my case. Cultivated leisure is man's true calling.

 Lady Plymdale: Opera makes me feel so romantic.
Cecil: Anything too stupid to be said is sung.

Contessa Lucchino: And another thing, your Mrs. Erlynne has no principles at all.
Tuppy: I like people more than principles.

Alessandra: Now I see uncle. He's with the American woman.
Contessa Lucchino: Too much rouge and not enough clothing. She's appealing to the worst in the poor man.
Lord Darlington: It's what women do best.


Tuppy: Every experience is of value and whatever you say about marriage it certainly is an experience. Mrs. Erlynne: People call something an experience they usually mean it was a mistake.

Mrs. Erlynne: I read it somewhere.
Tuppy: I like a good read myself. Nothing too laborious. I don't want to tamper with natural ignorance.

Tuppy: No, I think I'll do very well to marry you.
Tuppy: Oh, I've begun too many romances out of sentiment. They always end in settlement.

Tuppy: Every saint has past, every sinner has a future.

Tuppy: I'm going to ask her to marry me if she'll have me.
Dumby: You know... you know why they call it an altar, Tuppy? It's where they make human sacrifices.

Dumby: He's proposing to her. It will be his third time up the aisle.
Cecil: Hope trumps experience, Dumby. It's God's joke on the human race.

 Mrs. Erlynne: Keep him out all night. Get him drunk if you have to. Just don't let him come home.

Tuppy: Why? What? What? Mrs. Erlynne: I like you, I do. But if this is going to work between us, you can't do that.
Tuppy: Do what? Mrs. Erlynne: "Where? What? Why?" I can't always explain myself to myself let alone anyone else.
Tuppy: Good for you - takes the pressure off. Nine times out of ten, men don't give two pins about why they just feel obliged to take an interest.

 Mrs. Erlynne: It takes practice and skill to live without regret. A marriage takes your whole heart. Selfish people can't pull it off, but you're not that.

Cecil: Devilish women are a bother, and good ones are a bore.
Cecil: My dear Tuppy, in this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, the other is getting it. The last is very much the worst. The last is a real tragedy.

Meg Windermere: I'm going to tell him the truth.
Mrs. Erlynne: What you did is your mistake. Your sack of bricks. You carry it. You don't confess and hand it off to someone who loves you.

Meg Windermere: I swear on my mother.
Mrs. Erlynne: Pardon?
Meg Windermere: She's my guardian angel. My whole life I wanted to be like her.
Mrs. Erlynne: I'm sure she wouldn't hold you to such a standard.
Meg Windermere: She'd be so ashamed of me now.
Mrs. Erlynne: We all straddle the abyss, Mrs Windemere. If we never look down, how can we know who we are? A mother could never be ashamed of a daughter who didn't fall in.

Cecil: Men advance, women resist. We retreat and they block our escape. We can't win.

Lord Darlington: The sexes will never understand each other.
Cecil: Only because they take such pains to deceive each other.

Mrs. Erlynne: If you go out the back, you'll never come in the front...
A lady always leaves the way she came.

Dumby: Do you think she'd look at you if you were poor?
Tuppy: Do you think I'd look at her if she were ugly? Fair's fair, exchange rates and so... Well I know she's had her this and her that... but if a man can tolerate his own past..why not a past in his wife?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rains and people...

I think of rains and I think of home. 

The rains back home were strong, lashing, intrusive, disruptive. They would come and drench your soul - whether you wanted or not. They were moody and temperamental as no one could predict how long they would stay. It would rain all night long sometimes, as we struggled our way through slush and mud, with umbrellas flying and breaking under the strain. We would reach home soaked to the skin, muddy and still happy - because somehow, the rain would have washed everything away, leaving us feeling new, fresher, younger and stronger. 

And the next day, there would be new life all around - those tiny greens, too small still to defend themselves, those white fuzzy mushrooms and those worms who would have suddenly found their way out. The rains would leave behind a strong smell of green that would overwhelm you whether you wanted or not. 

The rains too were perhaps like the people there - well meaning and passionate but at the same time, they never saw any boundaries.  And you loved them and hated them for that! For that free spirited living, for washing down on you and making you whole - irrespective of what you wanted.  

I come here and wait all year long for the rains. 

It rains but the it just doesn't feel the same. I know these clouds are not the same. These waters are not the same. They are too polite and restrained. The rains are languid, almost lazy - they come for such a short while and almost as if they wished they were elsewhere. 

Not for them the lashing and the night-long downpours. They come for just a little while, drizzle a little here and there and then they leave, as if running late for their next destination. You can count on them for never raining for more than a few hours. It rains only so much that you can sense that faint, sweet smell of wet mud. 

I long for the down pours, for the slush and mud and for the greenery thereafter - but the rains here are so different. 

Perhaps the rains learn from the people or maybe it is the other way around. But like people, once you get used to a certain kind, the rest will never make you happy. 

The seasons turn for just a little while and my heart leaps with joy ! :) 

Distances...

Life is often about goals - places you want to see, milestones you want to reach, dreams you want to live.

Of late, however, I am having trouble figuring out where I want to head. Not because I am not moving but because I have set my goals so far away that I am unable to sense if I am heading in the right direction. Like the beautiful moon, glowing bright and peaceful, so far away in the sky, my dreams too seem far out in the future. So far out that despite my continuous movement, I am unable to judge my progress.

Without the soft foot falls of success around the corner, without the whooshing sound of deadlines, without the deafening roar of failure and without the long rants with friends and family - somehow - my mind is drowning in its own voice. It confuses self assurance with pride, self doubt with fear, failure with lack of trying and confusion with weakness. Nothing I say is clear enough, because somewhere, in another corner of my mind, there is a voice that is comparing and contrasting.

Everything I wanted seems so far away that every direction of approach looks equally right or equally wrong...

Is it possible that no matter which way you go, you will find happiness if you look in the right place? Or is it just something people tell themselves when they let go of their dreams? Is it sensible and courageous to walk away from the uncertainties of life or is it just fear that drives us to the folds of the familiar?

I guess, this is where it would help to set small goals but how do you set aside those big dreams you cherished all your life? How do you celebrate the pit-stops as milestones because the race is not over till it is... Right?
But then, if you keep racing all your life, when do you stop and enjoy it all?

Perhaps, I am parsing it all too fine but I am having trouble just letting go and letting life find a way. Somehow, for the girl who made her own fortune despite all the hurdles, this phase of inaction and limbo has been a little too drawn out. Perhaps for that girl of 9, who knew she wanted to be a scientist like Marie Curie, the lack of certainty and conviction is unusual and unnerving. And perhaps, in the past two decades, that little girl has just grown tired of fighting - tooth and nail - for every success and every opportunity. And that is why, today, she is just looking for the path of least resistance...

Whatever it may be, I certainly don't have the answers and it is at times like this that I wish that my myopic eyes had the benefit of age, foresight and a good telescope.... ;)

Coming to the other side...

For a long time now, I have been feeling the intense desert sun as it has been glaring down and everything around me has been withering and wilting. My mind has been trapped in a desert storm caught in a violent stream of questions without clear answers. Doubt and uncertainty have been clouding my vision and burning my eyes like the desert sand. Everything that I was certain of and cared for has been slipping through my fingers. Hope had been the mirage that every desert traveler is familiar with - the impossible looming before your eyes and tempting your soul. Emptying my mind was becoming a challenge surrounded by questions, deadlines, to-do lists, doubts and plans. And interestingly, I've managed to carry through. 

Through gut wrenching moments when even breathing feels like a task to avoid. Yes, I've wanted to just run away from it all and not known where to go. 

But I've gotten up and moved on, repeating in my head, over and over, what someone once told me - "shit happens! You just have to live through it!" And I have lived through it and today it feels like I've come to the other side.  The side where you don't expect and so things don't disappoint. The side where you are prepared so nothing will catch you by surprise. The side where you know you can live through it all. It is a good place to be when you are prepared for the worst and even the smallest of things can make you smile. All that was needed was one good day. One beautiful sunset. One good discussion. One unexpected recognition, one good laugh and one chocolate on a stick.... :) 

And life was better. Like the clouds on a desert parched of rain - they did nothing much other than shielding me from the sun. It feels cooler already and I can only imagine how it will be when it finally rains.

Thanks to the randomness in life that made this day better and thanks to the sunset that helped me pause and empty out my mind....   

I can smell the rain again... :)