The introvert advantage...

Every now and then, when I am bored of my stack of unfinished books, I go pry on someone's bookshelf and see what they recommend. And I don't trust many people's taste to bank on it. But few people like Neeraja on "The Mind's Language" have earned my trust because we seem to think alike on a lot of subjects. And this time, when I trolled through the bibliography, I came across a book which would have piqued my interest but never enough for me to have picked it up.

The introvert advantage - any self-proclaimed or self-diagnosed introvert (like me) would find this irresistible. But age and experience had built in me a sense of mistrust and skepticism for the genre of self-help books and this sounds just like it. But when Neeraja reviewed the book well and clearly stated that it is not to be put aside as a self-help book, I knew I had to try it and see. And so with a lot of trepidation, I ordered the kindle edition, telling myself that I can return the book in a few days, if I don't like the sound of it - and today, halfway through the book, I am glad, I gave myself the chance.

I don't know what changed but I can say one thing for sure - nothing has fit me better than the tag of an introvert. And reading someone else going through the exact symptoms and feelings of anxiety, pressure and fatigue somehow resolved my trepidations with socializing. I was always the reflective, deep thinker who hated to talk unless there was something meaningful to say. I was the one who would  prefer writing to talking, much to the irritation and amusement of people. Surrounded by extroverts, I was always tired with too much talking. I needed my books, my coffee and my long walks. Luckily for me, my extrovert friends, managed to see the real me, buried inside and we managed well since I had the time for things that would let me be alone.

However, I was always told that I am an extrovert deep down which was somehow incomprehensible to me. But somewhere along the way, it did make me think; because, while, I did like my company to those of many others - having long chats, discussions and listening to some people also made me very happy. There was a little contradiction that was not resolved.

And then I read this book and as I read line after line, trait after trait, I kept getting happier and more excited.

It could have been me between those pages, shrinking from social sessions, group interactions and partying. It could have been me wanting to stay home reading or watching television, instead of going to clubs and dance parties. At the same time, like the author, I loved my meaty conversations over the superfluous and inconsequential chit-chat. In fact, my social skills had been severely compromised after my PhD and my move to a new country. A PhD somehow grants you the freedom to build screens around you - in fact, almost everyone does it to focus on their work and to stay away from the prying questions of outsiders.

And then my move half-way across the world left me rootless and devoid of social context. Even though the introvert me could stay happy without too much social stimulation, there was a lot that didn't make sense. From the lack of social cues and context to an inherently introvert temperament, I was certainly at a loss for words. And somehow, though I knew myself and could predict my responses and reactions almost to the 'T', I was never clear about the why's and wherefore's of it. Having read through a fair share of the book, I can say out aloud, that I am an introvert - and perhaps right down to the 'T'. And it certainly feels good to know that there are others who feel the same sense of fatigue from constant stimulation and social interaction. Because though I love trying new things and meeting new people, I like that in measured doses under control. Being thrown in the ocean of new experiences has never been thrilling to me - much to the puzzlement of my friends.

And as I soak in the words and the sentences from this book, there is part of me that is relieved because I had suspected it all along and still never been sure. And there is a part of me that is ecstatic because although there are more extroverts than introverts in the world, there are a lot more introverts than I ever knew about. And that is a good feeling...  :)

A good woman...

"A good woman" : might sound like an oxymoron to some but it is the title of a movie based on Oscar Wilde's book. His writing, as always, is trenchant, incisive and brilliant. Here are a few excerpts so that you can save yourself two hours "

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"I like America. Name me another society that's gone from barbarism to decadence without bothering to create a civilization in between.

 Marital bliss is a terrible burden to place on two people, Tuppy. Sometimes a third person is needed to lighten the load.

 Undying love is like the ghost in your villa. Everybody talks about it, but try and find one person who has seen it.

 Dumby: Women inspire us to great things.
Then somehow prevent us from doing any of them.

 Men don't trust women. Women don't trust women. No one trusts women. It's what binds the Catholic and the Hindu. 

Lord Darlington: I've thought very seriously of marrying. That's why I'm still single.

Dumby: Bigamy is having more than one wife too many.
Lord Darlington: So is monogamy.

 Contessa Lucchino: If everyone knew what everyone said about each other there wouldn't be four friends in the world. 

Contessa Lucchino: My own business bores me. I much prefer other peoples.

 Tuppy: We've all got a couple of skeleton in the closet. Mrs. Erlynne: If they are going to rattle, they may as well dance.

 Mrs. Erlynne: Some women bring happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.

Dumby: One should always have a proper basis for marriage. A mutual... Lord Darlington: Misunderstanding?
Dumby: Exactly.

Lord Darlington: I find the best way to keep my word is never to give it.

Meg Windermere: Can you imagine what people would say?
Mrs. Erlynne: Well, if we're always guided by other people's thoughts what's the point of having our own?

Lord Darlington: All paying jobs absorb and degrade the mind. Robert Windemere: You never had a paying job.
Lord Darlington: I rest my case. Cultivated leisure is man's true calling.

 Lady Plymdale: Opera makes me feel so romantic.
Cecil: Anything too stupid to be said is sung.

Contessa Lucchino: And another thing, your Mrs. Erlynne has no principles at all.
Tuppy: I like people more than principles.

Alessandra: Now I see uncle. He's with the American woman.
Contessa Lucchino: Too much rouge and not enough clothing. She's appealing to the worst in the poor man.
Lord Darlington: It's what women do best.


Tuppy: Every experience is of value and whatever you say about marriage it certainly is an experience. Mrs. Erlynne: People call something an experience they usually mean it was a mistake.

Mrs. Erlynne: I read it somewhere.
Tuppy: I like a good read myself. Nothing too laborious. I don't want to tamper with natural ignorance.

Tuppy: No, I think I'll do very well to marry you.
Tuppy: Oh, I've begun too many romances out of sentiment. They always end in settlement.

Tuppy: Every saint has past, every sinner has a future.

Tuppy: I'm going to ask her to marry me if she'll have me.
Dumby: You know... you know why they call it an altar, Tuppy? It's where they make human sacrifices.

Dumby: He's proposing to her. It will be his third time up the aisle.
Cecil: Hope trumps experience, Dumby. It's God's joke on the human race.

 Mrs. Erlynne: Keep him out all night. Get him drunk if you have to. Just don't let him come home.

Tuppy: Why? What? What? Mrs. Erlynne: I like you, I do. But if this is going to work between us, you can't do that.
Tuppy: Do what? Mrs. Erlynne: "Where? What? Why?" I can't always explain myself to myself let alone anyone else.
Tuppy: Good for you - takes the pressure off. Nine times out of ten, men don't give two pins about why they just feel obliged to take an interest.

 Mrs. Erlynne: It takes practice and skill to live without regret. A marriage takes your whole heart. Selfish people can't pull it off, but you're not that.

Cecil: Devilish women are a bother, and good ones are a bore.
Cecil: My dear Tuppy, in this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, the other is getting it. The last is very much the worst. The last is a real tragedy.

Meg Windermere: I'm going to tell him the truth.
Mrs. Erlynne: What you did is your mistake. Your sack of bricks. You carry it. You don't confess and hand it off to someone who loves you.

Meg Windermere: I swear on my mother.
Mrs. Erlynne: Pardon?
Meg Windermere: She's my guardian angel. My whole life I wanted to be like her.
Mrs. Erlynne: I'm sure she wouldn't hold you to such a standard.
Meg Windermere: She'd be so ashamed of me now.
Mrs. Erlynne: We all straddle the abyss, Mrs Windemere. If we never look down, how can we know who we are? A mother could never be ashamed of a daughter who didn't fall in.

Cecil: Men advance, women resist. We retreat and they block our escape. We can't win.

Lord Darlington: The sexes will never understand each other.
Cecil: Only because they take such pains to deceive each other.

Mrs. Erlynne: If you go out the back, you'll never come in the front...
A lady always leaves the way she came.

Dumby: Do you think she'd look at you if you were poor?
Tuppy: Do you think I'd look at her if she were ugly? Fair's fair, exchange rates and so... Well I know she's had her this and her that... but if a man can tolerate his own past..why not a past in his wife?

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Rains and people...

I think of rains and I think of home. 

The rains back home were strong, lashing, intrusive, disruptive. They would come and drench your soul - whether you wanted or not. They were moody and temperamental as no one could predict how long they would stay. It would rain all night long sometimes, as we struggled our way through slush and mud, with umbrellas flying and breaking under the strain. We would reach home soaked to the skin, muddy and still happy - because somehow, the rain would have washed everything away, leaving us feeling new, fresher, younger and stronger. 

And the next day, there would be new life all around - those tiny greens, too small still to defend themselves, those white fuzzy mushrooms and those worms who would have suddenly found their way out. The rains would leave behind a strong smell of green that would overwhelm you whether you wanted or not. 

The rains too were perhaps like the people there - well meaning and passionate but at the same time, they never saw any boundaries.  And you loved them and hated them for that! For that free spirited living, for washing down on you and making you whole - irrespective of what you wanted.  

I come here and wait all year long for the rains. 

It rains but the it just doesn't feel the same. I know these clouds are not the same. These waters are not the same. They are too polite and restrained. The rains are languid, almost lazy - they come for such a short while and almost as if they wished they were elsewhere. 

Not for them the lashing and the night-long downpours. They come for just a little while, drizzle a little here and there and then they leave, as if running late for their next destination. You can count on them for never raining for more than a few hours. It rains only so much that you can sense that faint, sweet smell of wet mud. 

I long for the down pours, for the slush and mud and for the greenery thereafter - but the rains here are so different. 

Perhaps the rains learn from the people or maybe it is the other way around. But like people, once you get used to a certain kind, the rest will never make you happy. 

The seasons turn for just a little while and my heart leaps with joy ! :) 

Distances...

Life is often about goals - places you want to see, milestones you want to reach, dreams you want to live.

Of late, however, I am having trouble figuring out where I want to head. Not because I am not moving but because I have set my goals so far away that I am unable to sense if I am heading in the right direction. Like the beautiful moon, glowing bright and peaceful, so far away in the sky, my dreams too seem far out in the future. So far out that despite my continuous movement, I am unable to judge my progress.

Without the soft foot falls of success around the corner, without the whooshing sound of deadlines, without the deafening roar of failure and without the long rants with friends and family - somehow - my mind is drowning in its own voice. It confuses self assurance with pride, self doubt with fear, failure with lack of trying and confusion with weakness. Nothing I say is clear enough, because somewhere, in another corner of my mind, there is a voice that is comparing and contrasting.

Everything I wanted seems so far away that every direction of approach looks equally right or equally wrong...

Is it possible that no matter which way you go, you will find happiness if you look in the right place? Or is it just something people tell themselves when they let go of their dreams? Is it sensible and courageous to walk away from the uncertainties of life or is it just fear that drives us to the folds of the familiar?

I guess, this is where it would help to set small goals but how do you set aside those big dreams you cherished all your life? How do you celebrate the pit-stops as milestones because the race is not over till it is... Right?
But then, if you keep racing all your life, when do you stop and enjoy it all?

Perhaps, I am parsing it all too fine but I am having trouble just letting go and letting life find a way. Somehow, for the girl who made her own fortune despite all the hurdles, this phase of inaction and limbo has been a little too drawn out. Perhaps for that girl of 9, who knew she wanted to be a scientist like Marie Curie, the lack of certainty and conviction is unusual and unnerving. And perhaps, in the past two decades, that little girl has just grown tired of fighting - tooth and nail - for every success and every opportunity. And that is why, today, she is just looking for the path of least resistance...

Whatever it may be, I certainly don't have the answers and it is at times like this that I wish that my myopic eyes had the benefit of age, foresight and a good telescope.... ;)

Coming to the other side...

For a long time now, I have been feeling the intense desert sun as it has been glaring down and everything around me has been withering and wilting. My mind has been trapped in a desert storm caught in a violent stream of questions without clear answers. Doubt and uncertainty have been clouding my vision and burning my eyes like the desert sand. Everything that I was certain of and cared for has been slipping through my fingers. Hope had been the mirage that every desert traveler is familiar with - the impossible looming before your eyes and tempting your soul. Emptying my mind was becoming a challenge surrounded by questions, deadlines, to-do lists, doubts and plans. And interestingly, I've managed to carry through. 

Through gut wrenching moments when even breathing feels like a task to avoid. Yes, I've wanted to just run away from it all and not known where to go. 

But I've gotten up and moved on, repeating in my head, over and over, what someone once told me - "shit happens! You just have to live through it!" And I have lived through it and today it feels like I've come to the other side.  The side where you don't expect and so things don't disappoint. The side where you are prepared so nothing will catch you by surprise. The side where you know you can live through it all. It is a good place to be when you are prepared for the worst and even the smallest of things can make you smile. All that was needed was one good day. One beautiful sunset. One good discussion. One unexpected recognition, one good laugh and one chocolate on a stick.... :) 

And life was better. Like the clouds on a desert parched of rain - they did nothing much other than shielding me from the sun. It feels cooler already and I can only imagine how it will be when it finally rains.

Thanks to the randomness in life that made this day better and thanks to the sunset that helped me pause and empty out my mind....   

I can smell the rain again... :)