Sunday, April 25, 2010

Inside locked doors and walls ...

Driven by a fear of pain and failure, we often build these walls in and around us...
invisible, and yet impenetrable....
these walls make their presence felt only in moments of decision and choice....

There are often times when the heart wants to go with the flow, to do the unthinkable, to be impetuous and live in the moment but then at these times there is this "sane-appearing" inner voice that calls out to you and stops you from doing what you wanted.
It holds you back anticipating failure and pain.... almost completely irrational, this fear holds you back, curbs the flow of the heart and then soon the moment of decision is gone and you are where you started out to be... In these weak moments of confusion, what is required is a little bit of a nudge which will take you one way or the other with the flow... sometimes, that's all that is missing in life... !!!

Chance or people take up the role sometimes but more often than not, we lead our lives dictated by the spaces of these walls....

I wish I could get the key to opening these locked doors in the mind so that fresh air could breathe new life into my thoughts and I could live a life without irrationally shielding myself from the pain...

I want to be able to just go ahead and live my life in the moment...

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Fooled by Randomness...

This is a post about a book that i am reading at present called as "Fooled by Randomness". While the book is about the role of randomness in our everyday lives, particularly in the financial markets it is a book littered with nuggets of smart thoughts.... Irreverent to the core, the author has used words very intelligently to convey a thought... Some of the following are excerpts which I felt like sharing with someone upon reading... and so, on a cloudy evening, stuck in the lab, I take recourse to the book and pick out the pieces, i liked the most... These are not the ones I agree with completely but they were entertaining and sometimes insightful nonetheless... "This book is about luck disguised and perceived as nonluck (that is, skills) and, more generally, randomness disguised and perceived as non-randomness (that is, determinism). It manifests itself in the shape of the lucky fool, defined as a person who benefited from a disproportionate share of luck but attributes his success to some other, generally very precise, reason." "At the cost of appearing biased, I have to say that the literary mind can be intentionally prone to confusion between noise and meaning, that is, between a randomly constructed arrangement and a precisely intended message. However, this causes little harm; few claim that art is tool of investigation of the truth - rather than an attempt to escape it or make it more palatable." "All my life, I have suffered the conflict between my love for literature and poetry and my profound allergy to most teachers of literature and "critics". The french thinker and poet Paul Valery was surprised to listen to a commentary of his poems that found meanings that had until then escaped him (of course, it was pointed out to him that these were intended by his subconscious)." "I start with the platitude that one cannot judge a performance in any given field (war, politics, medicine, investments) by the results, but by the costs of the alternative (i.e., if history played out in a different way). Such substitute courses of events are called alternative histories. Clearly, the quality of a decision cannot be solely judged based on its outcome, but such a point seems to be voiced only by people who fail (those who succeed attribute their success to the quality of their decision)." "Beware the confusion between correctness and intelligibility. Part of conventional wisdom favours things that can be explained rather instantly and in a nutshell - in many circles it is considered a law. What is easy to conceive is clear to express / words to say it would come effortlessly. ----------------- Borrowed wisdom can be vicious. I need to make a huge effort not to be swayed by well sounding remarks. I remind myself of Einstein's remark that common sense is nothing but a collection of misconceptions acquired by age eighteen." "The poetry and language lover in me was initially depressed by the account of 'exquisite cadavers' poetic exercise, where interesting and poetic sentences are randomly constructed. By throwing enough words together, some unusual and magical sounding metaphor is bound to emerge according to the laws of combinatorics. Yet one cannot deny that some these poems are of ravishing beauty. Who cares about their origin if they manage to please out aesthetic senses? The story of the exquisite cadavers is as follows. In the aftermath of the first world war, a collection of surrealist poets - which included Andre Breton, their pope, Paul Eluard, and others - got together in cafes and tried the following exercise (modern literary critics attribute the exercise to the depressed mood after the war and the need to escape reality). On a folded piece of paper, in turn, each one of them would write a predetermined part of a sentence, not knowing the others' choice. The first would pick an adjective, the second a noun, the third a verb, the fourth an adjective, and the fifth a noun. The first publicized exercise of such random (and collective) arrangement produced the following poetic sentence: The exquisite cadavers shall drink the new wine. Impressive ? It sounds even more impressive in the native french. Quite impressive poetry has been produced in such a manner, sometimes with the aid of a computer." "In his Treatise on Human Nature, the scots philosopher David Hume posed the issue in the following way (as rephrased in the now famous black swan problem by John Stuart Mill): No amount of observations if white swans can allow the inference that all swans are white, but the observation of a single black swan is sufficient to refute that conclusion." "No man has ever influenced the way scientists do science more than sir Karl - in spite of the fact that many of his fellow professional philosophers find him quite naive (to his credit, in my opinion). Popper's idea is that science is not to be taken as seriously as it sounds (Popper when meeting Einstein did not take him as the demigod he thought he was). There are only two types of theories: 1) Theories that are known to be wrong, as they were tested and adequately rejected (he calls them falsified). 2) Theories that have not yet been known to be wrong, not falsified yet, but are exposed to be proved wrong. Why is a theory never right ? Because we will never know if all the swans are white. The testing mechanism may be faulty. However, the statement that there is a black swan is possible to make. A theory cannot be verified." "Popper's falsification is intimately connected to the notion of an open society. An open society is one in which no permanent truth is held to exist; this would allow counter ideas to emerge. ------- Popper believed that any idea of utopia is necessarily closed owing to the fact that it chokes its own refutations. The simple notion of a good model for society that cannot be left open for falsification is totalitarian. I learned from Popper, in addition to the difference between an open and closed society, that between an open and a closed mind." "How much can past performance, be relevant to forecasting future performance ?"

I miss not knowing...

I miss not knowing... My ego and my pride My mistakes in life My needless aim for perfection My need for companionship My prejudices and my stereotypes. I miss not knowing... That there is no bigger plan That our lives are driven by randomness That there is no one up there watching over me That I am a sum of my actions and a lot of chance That not everything is in our hands That money is sometimes more important than you would like it to be. I miss not knowing... Why people are what they are? Why relationships fail? Why people feel pain and sorrow? Why things go wrong? I miss not knowing... The anguish of losing something The pain of falling The pangs of love The distress of envy The burden of guilt The inadequacy of hope. I miss not knowing... my helplessness despite being an adult my inability to set things right my confusion with too much knowledge the complications of adult relationships. I miss not knowing... that fairy tales are just that that people change and somethings are never the same that "sorry" is just another word that some distances can never be bridged that there is so much unknown and that no one has the right answers that things are not always what they seem like that people are built in layers and not always what they seem to be. I miss not knowing... that happiness is just another dream that not all dreams come true that the world is not always a happy place that not everything ends well that life is not made to order that some words are just too hard to say. I wish things were simpler as they were when i was a child... When the world was a happy place and all people were good. When the world was not complicated by too much thinking.... When i knew, I have someone to watch over me...

To have or not to have .... !!

In my mental realm, one thought, or rather a question, that often manages to drift in very often and then leave ever so noiselessly is the following ... How would I like life to be ? Should one experience everything in life and then live with the pain of not having them around (cos nothing really lasts forever) .... Or is it better to just live your life without knowing a few things... ? I have encountered this question many times along the way and never really addressed it as it always manages to come with some bigger questions along... I am often the one to go with the first option of experiencing everything in life, living life to the fullest, making decisions based on my experiences, basically, living life first hand .... but the pain of losing which follows the moments of joy is often such a torment that i am tempted to consider the second option... You will never realize the pain of not having something if you never realized what it feels to have it around, simply put, you never miss something till you know what is to be missed ... !! But then, come to think of it, isn't that what life is all about... dancing with joy when you are happy and then being down in the dumps when not all is well... ? And learning to move on till the next the joy or sorrow comes along... I guess, playing safe is not an option.. you just live your life your way, make mistakes, learn and move on... you feel pain but also the bliss and that will take care of it all... !! So... for now, I think I am going to make peace with this... till, of course, at the next cloudy day, I take to questioning the game plan all over again... :)

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Friendships...

What is friendship ? A post on the same theme raised a few questions and try as i might i wasnt sure i could convey what i thought. So after a day or two's rumination, I decided to take the plunge and put my thoughts into words... Of the multiple meanings attached to the word "friend", by the dictionary, a friend to me is one attached to another by affection or esteem and a favored companion... This of course is a very abstract definition and leaves room for confusion. Well, who is a friend and what is friendship ? The first step of course would be to weed out the words from our vocabulary which could blur the boundaries.... the words which could be misled with friendship... acquaintance, pal, supporter, colleague, associate, ally, so on and so forth, but in my mind they are nowhere close to being a friend... A friend, is a friend, is a friend... Someone who accepts you as you are, Who is a friend only because he wants to be, not because of the world, the society or the norms, not because there is anything to gain but because he likes what 'is' Someone who is painfully honest but then when he says the harshest facts, you trust him and know that he is right, Someone who could know you better than you know yourself, Someone with whom words are redundant and understanding is pervasive, Who will stick with you when you are wrong but will tell you so, Who can see through your masks no matter what you do, Someone who will know you for what you are and love you still... Someone who knows what you can be and tells you so... When the chips are all down and you are broken from within, a friend makes life easy A friend is someone you bank upon for the best and the worst, To share your joys and sorrows, your angst and confusions, Who transforms your weaknesses into your strength, Who leads you through the darkest hours to see the light at the end, Who does more than you can even imagine, Who gives more than a patient ear when you go on ranting about the miseries of your life.... A friend is all this and more... How do i find words to describe the most important relationships in my life...?? Friends, "true" friends, are to be treasured more than family, because they "choose" to be with you for what you are and how you are... Friendships are bound by the ties of love and faith and not of blood and birth... No wonder they reflect you as a person... !! I have often cribbed and complained about things going wrong and luck playing a spoiled sport... but then.... I now know that what I have managed to find is something very few people have... I found friends, true friends.... to cherish and to protect.... to hold onto for the rest of my life... And now, as i write, i realize this, When everything seems to be falling apart, and when the road ahead is only an uphill climb, you know that help is only a call away, cos your friends are just around the corner on any day, Suddenly life seems better and the world is a happier place... I guess, that's what friendship is... :) I am glad i found it...
In the debris of the past, lay a seed for the future, He was brought there by the winds of fate... from lands far and distant... He woke up to find the shattered dreams of the past crowding his vision, In an alien frozen land, there was no love to be found, but he did not give up, he fought the battle, he gathered hope from the gentle wings of fire which brought him life from above, he was grateful for the currents of hope that nurtured him deep, he held on to the bosom of the frigid ground as the ice slowly receded, he did not give up courage as the glories of the past withered away, he waited in patience, through the darkest hours of night in the hope of light. And the wait was worth the while... Soon, he was strong and able, his hopes came true and his dreams took root, He broke through the barriers and found the world anew, there were new dreams for the future, and there was a new life to be lived, It was indeed worth all the fight. He grew in stature and learnt the ways of the world, he found love and he found joy, this world was his home, where he belonged, He loved his life and all seemed right... he spread cheer and he gave life, from the tales of his past there was hope to be found.. But then before long, the forces of nature came visiting again and he knew the end was near... But he had made a difference and he knew that's what counted, he had fought his battles and left a mark, he had left hope for the future through his past... It was a life well lived and that's all that mattered... And so he bid farewell and closed his eyes, with joy in his heart and peace in his mind, he left the world better than what it was.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Of types and Stereotypes ...

We all grow up and build these frameworks in our mind in which we fit in people and their actions... this framework is the key to our stereotypes... We quickly bracket people and further fit all our thoughts into that framework... Stereotyping is an evolutionary success, it indeed helps at many levels ! Imagine, if our ancestors did not generalize at some point that eating foul smelling food could be fatal... no one would have survived the bouts of food poisoning that usually follows... !! So, yes, stereotyping helps, its saves time and effort... But, now when we extrapolate the same mechanism to our everyday social existence, it does take a toll... "Women are like... , men are like... , Girls from Delhi are like..., Rich kids are like..., single kids are like, younger siblings are like... beautiful girls are... Smart girls are... " It is an endless list... As we grow, we build a framework that we acquire based on our social structure, the surroundings we are in and the people who form a part of early life... This framework becomes a part of our cognitive structure as we evaluate every event in our life in this light... And since it is a major extrapolation, it does have major drawbacks.... how i wish, I could control that impression at first sight and learn to judge every event at its merit... !! Our stereotypes, blind us to a large extent... as we end up fitting in every person and every event in our life, in that narrow skeleton we build in our growing years. We fit in pieces of the same dimensions into the jigsaw puzzle we have without a care as to if it were at the right place... Our mind has the ability to fill in the gaps and interpret things accordingly... and here we stand, in a world where misunderstandings are rampant, a prejudiced opinion is the norm and randomness drives our existence... Wish things were different...

Saturday, April 17, 2010

You fill up my senses....























You fill up my senses
like a night in a forest,
Like the mountains in springtime,
Like a walk in the rain,
like a storm in the desert,

Like a sleepy blue ocean.
You fill up my senses,
come fill me again.

Come let me love you,
let me give my life to you,
Let me drown in your laughter,
let me die in your arms.

Let me lay down beside you,
let me always be with you
Come let me love you,
come love me again.

Let me give my life to you,
Come let me love you,
come love me again.
You fill up my senses like a night in a forest,
Like the mountains in springtime,
Like a walk in the rain, like a storm in the desert,
Like a sleepy blue ocean.
You fill up my senses, come fill me again.

Thanks are due to John Denver for the beautiful song that always manages to fill up my senses...


The ladder to sucess...





Don't aim for success if you want it; just do what you love and believe in, and it will come naturally.
 


David Frost


Of the past and the future...



Age once met youth along the way on a bright and sunny day, It is a rarity to see the two together so i stood listening by the bay Age grieved about the strength she no longer has, while youth yearned for resilience. Age missed the joy of discovery while youth wished for wisdom of the ancients... Youth was impetuous and bold but she lacked the skill of patience... Youth had curiosity while age was weighed under the burden of the past's grievance. Youth lived a life of spirit, while age was on constant audit... While one weighed all the options before action, the other lived a life of passion, far from the calls of reason... While the two went on about their past and future I realized that the past of one was the future of the other and that this was but the rule of nature.... !! As one grew in age, experience and prudence, you forgot to enjoy life's momentary brilliance Life moves on with varying cadence As the warps and wefts of time alter your sentience You lose some and you gain some, as time leads you on what stays with you, becomes the essence of you, long after you are gone. I fit this thought into my mind's structure as i let time and tide carry me from these tiny moments of leisure... back to the present's clatter with impending deadlines that threaten the dreamer...

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Stuck and still unstuck... !! :)


"thamarai elai mel neer pol nee otti ottaamal iru.. "
 A nice line in a tamil song which literally translates into "Like the water droplet on a lotus leaf, you stick and are still not stuck" ...

Metaphorically, however, it means that you are a part of something and are still detached from it all, like the water droplet on a lotus leaf..

The essence of this sentence stayed in my mind for a while and got me thinking.

I am a person who leads my life larger than life. I am melodramatic in good measure.
I react more than others to situations. I am overjoyed at the sight of a little kid laughing and will smile for a good two minutes after that.

I smile when i feel the wind in my air and can almost hear a whisper there...
I hope when there is none when i know that things are bad... I always hope for a miracle. In fact, to my utmost charging, I have come to live by the maxim - "hope against all hopen".
And I feel disappointed every time the hope is unfulfilled... I feel the sorrow and the pain like never before..
I romanticize every moment and i live in my fantasies till reality catches up with me...
I walk with a spring in my step when i am happy, jump and hop over steps, simply because I am happy...
I jump with joy and punch in the air....
I lick my fingers and fight for chocolates....
I love the smell of the first rain and the feel of the wet grass...
I fling my anger in a rising tide than keep it simmering within....
I get angry and irritated and frustrated and jealous...
I question the ways of the world and I fight against the rules imposed... I try to be the exception than the norm...
I laugh and cry for the people on the screen knowing that it is not real,
I catch myself still hoping for a fairy tale ending... I have lived every moment and every emotion with all my heart and soul,
I have lived every failure and every success.

I have felt every heart break and lived through every anguish.
I have lived the deepest cuts and the most uplifting moments. I have been as attached with the situation as one could be. At the same time, as my heart was living every moment, my mind, tried to be the restraining voice of sanity and made me realize the transience of my experiences. The sane voice in my head, however, only made me come back to my default state faster, but it never reduced the intensity of my feelings. I still had my swings, my moments of exaggerated joy and my moments of deep despair, moments of doubts and moments of confidence.
And ever so often, when the going got tough, I would catch myself wishing for a more detached existence.
"If only, I did not involve myself so much with the events in my life, just be a spectator to the events and not feel the angst and the suffering, I could save myself so much pain."
True, but then, hey, Would i have really lived my life that way, cold and aloof from all that is and all that matters?
How can i disconnect from my experiences? How can I not feel every moment of my life as I pass through it ? It is painful, yes, but there are also moments of pure bliss and ecstasy.. which make it all worth the while...

I guess, its better to just "live" your life, feel every joy and every sorrow, live every dream and every heart break and grow with the climes than just experiencing life like an outsider with a ring side view. No.... I prefer to live life as it is... it may be joyous at times and painful at many others, but its still a part of me that i will cherish...

I guess, one should melodramatize life, for sometimes that's the only way that makes sense...


Of distances and barriers... and the love beyond it all... !!

He was a man lost in his own quaint little world till he met her. She was a woman fighting battles of her own till she met him. She spoke a language he did not understand and he thought in a language she could not comprehend. They had different languages but then when was love defined by language? They fell in love and got married, all over a series of letters! They did not meet for nearly two decades after being married yet they remained loyal to each other and so deeply in love! In a world where we want to see everything before we make it a part of our life, here is a story about two people who based their love on everything but the sight of each other. I sat wondering if this were ever possible when the story took a new turn. In walked another woman with a heart laden with sorrows. He found glimpses of normalcy in his life in the presence of this other woman. Was he cheating on his beloved ? Did he love her still or is it that proximity will build bridges that never were ? Will distances tarnish their love and will their commitment wither in the autumn of their life....? This actually raised more disturbing questions in my mind about what loyalty actually was.. ? If loyalty in a relationship is about being mentally, spiritually and psychologically connected to your partner, then is it acceptable to have a physical relationship outside... Not acceptable to many i guess.. Then, on the other hand, if physical intimacy is a barometer of loyalty, is it tolerable that your partner is not connected to you at any level but the physical... ??? What is loyalty and how do you judge it ??

As you ponder on these questions, you are told that she was suffering from cancer and was losing her strength fast. You still see the bond of love that held them together for two decades as he roamed the streets of his obscure town in search of a cure. There was not a stone left unturned as he wandered from pillar to post to make his beloved live a little longer. Would they die without ever meeting or feeling the love of their life ? Will they never be able to meet the very person who defined their existence thus far? He roamed the streets as the skies poured and the heavens cried. He burned inside as she lost her strength. He was delirious but he could only think of his beloved. Such is the irony of life, that he lost his life trying to save hers ! She ended up making the journey to his land after he was no longer there. She was devoted to him but he was no longer there as she visited his house, and lived his life. She could probably feel him drifting off to sleep as she looked at his bed for the past forty years, where he spent his last moments thinking of her.... She saw his life and the part that she played in it. How could they have lived their lives so far from each other ? Did she not feel regret beyond what her heart can contain ?

Theirs was a love that defied the norms, and was based on honesty and devotion... Can such love exist in a world driven by the transient pleasures of the physical senses ?

Of new beginnings and the end that follows...




The illusion of love ...

Out of the many people you meet, some tend to grow upon you... Chance meetings end up being life altering in ways that the heart does not understand and the mind cannot comprehend...

Strangers become acquaintances, acquaintances become friends, friends become good friends... and then... somewhere along the line, you need them in your life to get through each day... You miss days without them and you want to feel them all around you. Your heart longs for the them, your mind works its magic and illusions abound! You lose the peace and quiet, buried deep inside you as the heart rages from hope to sorrow and joy, all within a span of a few moments...

You want to get out of the addiction but it holds its grip firm on those tiny mental spaces in your head where silences abound... You are no longer the person you started out... you are struggling to put words to thoughts as your mind races ahead at its own pace. Your dreams and desires overtake reality and soon you interpret reality from your dreams... You end up seeing life in a monochrome and reality is no longer real...

Love or even the illusion of love has that effect on you. If this is the effect of the illusion, what havoc would the reality of love cause ... I wonder !!!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

In anticipation

Strange as it may sound, I realized (too early or too late !!) that life moves in breaks and stutters... It is not a streamlined flow that one imagines it to be and is instead turbulent and unpredictable in nature... It didn't even come as a surprise to me, just a quiet realization, the kind one has on long quiet walks or over a cup of coffee by the sunset.

In retrospect, one realizes that there are these phases where a lot of things are happening and major decisions being made. These spells of frantic, life altering activity are punctuated by quiet gaps of tranquility when life is pretty much still.

I am however in this strange phase, where a lot promises to happen but nothing really seems to be happening.... Is it how things are or is it just my perception ? Am i asking for too much, too soon ?

I long for some clarity, some perspective, some activity... I need a breeze to lead me forward so that i can take charge and be the captain of my ship.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Of balloons and surprises...

Surprises are these tiny packets of joy that unexpectedly come your way and make life better... However, I had quite forgotten the feeling till recently i was at the non-receiving end of one !! D had been feeling miserable due to the mysteriously cruel workings of fate (details are not necessary) and was working hard trying to not show the obvious.... I got a brief about the situation from a common friend (V) and I was trying to figure out what could be done to make her feel better. What usually works to my disadvantage is trying to put myself in other people's shoes and then analyzing the situation (why this very admirable trait is a problem at times has the stuff for a whole post and therefore will be dealt with in more leisure at a later date... ;))... In this case however, that turned out to be the guiding light to making D feel better. I only needed to imagine myself in her position and i knew what would make me feel better... a wonderful surprise !! When happiness comes knocking at your door out of the blue, it makes you dance with joy and forget the burdens of the sorrows within... No words of consolation or comfort, no promises of hope and success work for me... but a sweet gesture or a wonderful surprise can bring me from the barren and lonely confines of sorrows untold to the beautiful gardenia paradiso...That was it... all in then needed was a list of things which i would want someone to do for me when i was depressed and off we went on a shopping spree... First on the list were balloons... there is something about these tiny pieces of rubber that remind you of childhood and innocence.. they also symbolize a carefree existence unmarred by the worries of the adults. When a balloon flies into the sky, it takes your spirit for a ride... it symbolizes freedom and joy !! Balloons are indeed these tiny bubbles of hope and joy.... short lived they may be but life is better with them than without... What else would I want ?? A nice dessert never fails to make you feel better... (glucose/sugar and endorphins are the explanation, but hey, who cares !! :)) So, off we two went and bought some delicious brownies and fudge cakes !! Chocolate - sinful, it may be portrayed as ,but it can make even the worst days seem tolerable ... The flowers of course called out to us... I am sure they wanted to play a part in cheering up a tired soul... so we grabbed a few pretty daisies along the way... and marched off towards the destination. As me and V walked along, of course, we encountered a puchka wallah... needless to describe ,as any true blue indian would know the wonders of a good plate of gol guppas... crispy 'bubbles' filled with a spicy mixture (it is a full fledged exercise for all your taste buds - impartial to the sweet, tangy, sour or the hot.. !!) ... And knowing D and S's fetish for them, how could we ignore the puchkas... so, of we two went and bought a load of gol guppas.... Finally, after all this shopping we rushed to the venue hoping to catch D off guard and asked S to bring D up to the terrace (the venue, BTW)... The surprise had the desired effect (at least visibly) and then the sulk on D's face was replaced with a big smile... My day was made !!! All this while, with the shopping, I was also worried about D not feeling better despite all this, and that big smile at the end of it all proved my worried wrong... (Never else is being proven wrong such a source of comfort... !! ) It was amazing how in the thrill of arranging a surprise for D, i had forgotten my worries for the day... !!! Guess, surprises work both ways... In the everyday mundane, somewhere along the line, I had forgotten all about the thrill of giving or getting a surprise... I am glad i remembered a valuable lesson... :) So next time, someone is feeling a little low... plan a surprise and you will feel good at the end of it too... !! :D

A note for the future...

As a biologist, I know that Evolution has built in us the innate desire to procreate and produce more of our kind. But compelled by intellect, as i do contemplate, i realize that we have a psychological need in addition to a biological driving force to have children... We all seem to want someone who is a reflection of ourselves, someone who will live on while we are long gone, someone who will let us realize our dreams and fulfill our desires... someone with whom we can relive our childhood our way, someone in whom our thoughts and ideologies could live on long after we are gone. I have often been told that children should be grateful to their parents for the life they have been provided and for their very existence. And strangely, unlike the many others i know, i have always questioned this premise.... I have never really managed to see much sense in this statement because to me it seems that having a child is the most wonderfully selfish experience one can have. I want a child for fulfilling my own desires, for my own existence. The child only benefits as a consequence... Seems blasphemous to many... but can you deny the ultimate truth behind all of that...? This is of course not to deny the fact that the parents undergo a lot of turmoil to bring up the child and love it more than themselves... but then the motives are always self-centered... ??? (mind you, I am not against selfish behavior - it is our natural instinct and the reason for our evolutionary success). This of course was met with strong protest by friends.. and the common refrain was that i will change my opinion when i have children if my own... The definitive answer is of course something that only time will tell... but, I did get down to writing a few things down which i would like my children to know... O dearest child of mine, you are and will remain the most treasured possession of mine, I will love you no matter what cos you are after all a reflection of mine... but, i would love for you to grow up into someone I can respect.. who can be better than me in every aspect I want you to love me for what i am and not just because i am your parent I may at times lose my cool or be unreasonable for a start but at such times, remember that i cant help but have your best interests at heart you are all that i would have ever wanted who will be in my image and still be better than me you are a result of my reflections and impressions I want to protect and nurture you, relive my childhood through you give you all that i ever wanted because that's all i can do I have my failings, i have my limitations but remember that I am just human, compelled by love and fear and that I will always be near and you will always remain dear O dearest child of mine, you are and will remain the most treasured possession of mine... :) I hope I do turn out to be a good parent and manage to have children who would eventually "choose" me as their parent... Seems like wishful thinking in the age of widening generation gaps but hey, that's what hope is for !! ;)

Sum of all parts....

I am a sum of parts... There is a part of me that wants to get wet in the rain like a little child, craves for chocolates and ice creams wants to be patted to sleep everyday wants a story to be narrated every night still believes in fairy tale endings still believes that all people are good that justice shall be done in the end that no one gets more than what they deserve still enjoys victory and likes being the best loves being appreciated loves the wind in my hair is chatty and cant stop smiling wants to work and not bother about the results does not care about others' successes sheds tears like the trees in fall and laughs like the thunder loves people for who they are..... but then there is also a part of me that knows better and holds me back from many adventures feels bad when things don't go my way feels hatred, anger and envy realizes that chocolates are only temptations that transfer goods from the bank to the waistline loves the stillness and calm of the night knows that fairy tales are just that and dreams dont always come true goes to bed reading a book knowing that stories are only fiction is a shell in itself where nothing perturbs much knows that one can only do their best and leave the rest knows that appreciation can be hollow and pointless and that criticism makes you a better person is silent as the dead of the night knows that not everyone is good and just and that life is unfair is wary and suspicious but strong enough to face the consequences finds it difficult to trust people Who am I ? A sum of these contradicting parts... Time and experiences mould me and from the depths emerges a character.... some traits will probably be lost forever like footprints in the sand while some will rise from the dead... Which of my two parts will survive the tryst or will there be a stranger instead ?? Only time will tell.... but i still love the child in me and will protect it as long as i can !!

Dreams on fire...


Dreams....

You are my waking dream, you're all that's real to me,

you are the magic in the world I see
you are the prayer I sing, you brought me to my knees
You are the faith that made me believe

Dreams on fire, higher and higher
Passions burning right on the pyre

Once for, forever yours in me all your heart
Dreams on fire, higher and higher

You are the laughter from my childhood games
you are the spark of dawn, you are where i belong
you are the ache i feel in every song

Dreams on fire, higher and higher
Passions burning right on the pyre

Once for, forever yours, give me all your heart
Dreams on fire, higher and higher

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Of morons and oxymorons...

A chance encounter with the word pair "Solitude and loneliness" led me on a trail for more such word pairs. I have struggled for several days now with the likes of these words and despite repeated attempts, have never quite been able to put the matter to rest in my head. These words keep coming back to haunt me and despite ruminating on the subject for several days, i have not been very successful in transferring the thoughts in my head onto paper. Nonetheless, in the hope of giving rise to the crude framework of my initial idea, i have finally decided to settle for something less than what i wanted, as i try to define my thoughts with words. It is now that i have a sense of insufficiency because i have been unable to find words to do justice to my thoughts... but as i continue to struggle with the concept, here is preview of my thoughts and any inputs on the same are quite welcome...


Solitude and loneliness
Courage and imprudence
Naive and honest
Candid and rude
Defeat and surrender
Acknowledgment and acceptance
Optimism and faith
Tolerance and disregard
Indifference and Ignorance
Non conformist and weird
Intuition and faith
Patient and passive

An "oxymoron" defines a combination of seemingly contradictory or incongruous words. The word pairs listed out above are not oxymorons and, perhaps do not have a general nomenclature to define them, but then, there is an underlying theme that runs through these pairs of words. Given a thought these words could imply completely different and contradictory meanings. From what i perceive, these words differ from each other in the mere involvement of a subject and the exercise of conscious will. To exemplify,

Conscious choice can make loneliness (a rather undesirable state) into solitude (which is a rather treasured commodity) !
An action carried out with full awareness of the consequences is courageous while the same action carried out without awareness of the fallouts is a sign of imprudence.

The interesting paradox here is that, in our daily lives, the manifestations of both these attitudes or actions is the same. The underlying human element is the only one which distinguishes the two and that, is often hidden under layers and is more often than not imperceptible to us. We thus often base our conclusions on these seemingly correct parameters without quite ascertaining the right reasons for our judgments. Thus, based on such fall-outs, a moron could be considered equivalent to a truly honest and gifted person, merely because the repercussions of both their actions appear identical through the tinted glasses which help us see the world, though the underlying thought processes are completely contradictory.

I hope to get some clarity on the subject and get back to this post but till then, this is all I have...