Rains and people...

I think of rains and I think of home. 

The rains back home were strong, lashing, intrusive, disruptive. They would come and drench your soul - whether you wanted or not. They were moody and temperamental as no one could predict how long they would stay. It would rain all night long sometimes, as we struggled our way through slush and mud, with umbrellas flying and breaking under the strain. We would reach home soaked to the skin, muddy and still happy - because somehow, the rain would have washed everything away, leaving us feeling new, fresher, younger and stronger. 

And the next day, there would be new life all around - those tiny greens, too small still to defend themselves, those white fuzzy mushrooms and those worms who would have suddenly found their way out. The rains would leave behind a strong smell of green that would overwhelm you whether you wanted or not. 

The rains too were perhaps like the people there - well meaning and passionate but at the same time, they never saw any boundaries.  And you loved them and hated them for that! For that free spirited living, for washing down on you and making you whole - irrespective of what you wanted.  

I come here and wait all year long for the rains. 

It rains but the it just doesn't feel the same. I know these clouds are not the same. These waters are not the same. They are too polite and restrained. The rains are languid, almost lazy - they come for such a short while and almost as if they wished they were elsewhere. 

Not for them the lashing and the night-long downpours. They come for just a little while, drizzle a little here and there and then they leave, as if running late for their next destination. You can count on them for never raining for more than a few hours. It rains only so much that you can sense that faint, sweet smell of wet mud. 

I long for the down pours, for the slush and mud and for the greenery thereafter - but the rains here are so different. 

Perhaps the rains learn from the people or maybe it is the other way around. But like people, once you get used to a certain kind, the rest will never make you happy. 

The seasons turn for just a little while and my heart leaps with joy ! :) 

Distances...

Life is often about goals - places you want to see, milestones you want to reach, dreams you want to live.

Of late, however, I am having trouble figuring out where I want to head. Not because I am not moving but because I have set my goals so far away that I am unable to sense if I am heading in the right direction. Like the beautiful moon, glowing bright and peaceful, so far away in the sky, my dreams too seem far out in the future. So far out that despite my continuous movement, I am unable to judge my progress.

Without the soft foot falls of success around the corner, without the whooshing sound of deadlines, without the deafening roar of failure and without the long rants with friends and family - somehow - my mind is drowning in its own voice. It confuses self assurance with pride, self doubt with fear, failure with lack of trying and confusion with weakness. Nothing I say is clear enough, because somewhere, in another corner of my mind, there is a voice that is comparing and contrasting.

Everything I wanted seems so far away that every direction of approach looks equally right or equally wrong...

Is it possible that no matter which way you go, you will find happiness if you look in the right place? Or is it just something people tell themselves when they let go of their dreams? Is it sensible and courageous to walk away from the uncertainties of life or is it just fear that drives us to the folds of the familiar?

I guess, this is where it would help to set small goals but how do you set aside those big dreams you cherished all your life? How do you celebrate the pit-stops as milestones because the race is not over till it is... Right?
But then, if you keep racing all your life, when do you stop and enjoy it all?

Perhaps, I am parsing it all too fine but I am having trouble just letting go and letting life find a way. Somehow, for the girl who made her own fortune despite all the hurdles, this phase of inaction and limbo has been a little too drawn out. Perhaps for that girl of 9, who knew she wanted to be a scientist like Marie Curie, the lack of certainty and conviction is unusual and unnerving. And perhaps, in the past two decades, that little girl has just grown tired of fighting - tooth and nail - for every success and every opportunity. And that is why, today, she is just looking for the path of least resistance...

Whatever it may be, I certainly don't have the answers and it is at times like this that I wish that my myopic eyes had the benefit of age, foresight and a good telescope.... ;)

Coming to the other side...

For a long time now, I have been feeling the intense desert sun as it has been glaring down and everything around me has been withering and wilting. My mind has been trapped in a desert storm caught in a violent stream of questions without clear answers. Doubt and uncertainty have been clouding my vision and burning my eyes like the desert sand. Everything that I was certain of and cared for has been slipping through my fingers. Hope had been the mirage that every desert traveler is familiar with - the impossible looming before your eyes and tempting your soul. Emptying my mind was becoming a challenge surrounded by questions, deadlines, to-do lists, doubts and plans. And interestingly, I've managed to carry through. 

Through gut wrenching moments when even breathing feels like a task to avoid. Yes, I've wanted to just run away from it all and not known where to go. 

But I've gotten up and moved on, repeating in my head, over and over, what someone once told me - "shit happens! You just have to live through it!" And I have lived through it and today it feels like I've come to the other side.  The side where you don't expect and so things don't disappoint. The side where you are prepared so nothing will catch you by surprise. The side where you know you can live through it all. It is a good place to be when you are prepared for the worst and even the smallest of things can make you smile. All that was needed was one good day. One beautiful sunset. One good discussion. One unexpected recognition, one good laugh and one chocolate on a stick.... :) 

And life was better. Like the clouds on a desert parched of rain - they did nothing much other than shielding me from the sun. It feels cooler already and I can only imagine how it will be when it finally rains.

Thanks to the randomness in life that made this day better and thanks to the sunset that helped me pause and empty out my mind....   

I can smell the rain again... :)