Chasing life and yet/so far from it...

Q - What do you want to be when you grow up ? 

A - X/Y/Z

Q - But why X/Y/Z ? 

A - Because it makes me happy (or at least I think it will make me happy). 

Q - Can you not be happy right now with what you have than by aspiring to be something and putting "living" on hold for that... ? 

 A - I wonder.... 

For so long I have been working towards a goal, an aim, that my life feels like a constant quest. There have been new milestones with every success, new questions with every answer, that it feels like the hunt is always on. 

And as I look at M, I wonder if it is the right thing to do ?

M seems happy with his life though I can see that he could have done things very differently. He could have made different choices and built a very different life where he could have fully exercised his potential. He is smart and capable and I can see that he could have been somewhere else, very different, if he had tried or wanted. Instead, he chose differently and now after almost two decades, he probably doesn't like his work so much but he is happy. He is at peace with his choices and is finding happiness by living his life. He seems to do all that I want to do at some point in the future - biking, playing, traveling, family-ing (yes, i made a verb out of it) and a little working..

I on the other hand, am at that point in life, where I have to make those choices. Should I put my life on hold and work towards something I think will make me happy. A work that (I think) will help me realize my true potential and make me happy about working or should I just live. Live with freedom. Live without to-do lists, deadlines, goals, aims, questions, decisions, dilemmas and the likes of them that plague every seeker. Or, should I just settle with one aspect of my life, so that I can actually start living with the rest of it.

What will happen two decades later ? I wonder. Would I have found the happiness I am looking for or would I still be looking... ? Some say happiness is a state of mind and I think I agree. But can you be happy when you are looking at something better and bigger all the time ? Or do you actually learn to reconcile fact and fiction. Do you learn to enjoy the chase or do you learn to settle with what you have without the chase...? Are we losing our life to chasing an elusive dream or is life woven in the chase itself ?

I guess only time will tell...

The seed of perfection...

Years ago, I first met this little seven year old girl who used to come back from school unhappy about not getting the perfect score though it was the best in the class. She had constantly been told that there is always, always, more room for improvement. She was told that unless she worked really, really hard, she would not be all that she can be. She was taught to look at people better than her to seek ways of improvement and not to feel satisfied with her accomplishments. Day after day, year after year, I still see her chasing behind that elusive goal of perfection - seeking approval from others for a job well done because in her mind, there is so much more to be done. 

More than two decades later, she still see the glass half full. She still finds it impossible to let her guard down and to just "live" - to forget about what all she has to do and to appreciate what she has done with the available resources. There is a clock ticking in her that makes it impossible to let go - to just rejoice the successes without tormenting about the failures. As a result, every success is a reminder of what more could have been done and every failure is a lesson on what shouldn't have been done. Even after years of realization of the elusive nature of perfection, she still finds it difficult to say perfect and flinches every time people around her use the word 'perfect' in an every day conversation. Perfection was (and is) the holy grail she has sought all her life realizing with time that it was just a vision - a mirage even, but she still couldn't give up the quest.

It is difficult for most to understand this relentless quest but I see that restlessness in her eyes. When I see her sitting down after completing another "task" well, I search for the joy that I see in everyone's eyes even after a modest success but in her eyes, I see a checklist - of mistakes made, of things to be done differently and of the things that remain to be done. The seed of perfection, that was sown by her teachers and parents years ago, is now so deeply rooted and demands so much that the seedlings of happiness, confidence, assurance, peace, satisfaction are unable to find any ground and flourish.

I see her eyes seeking and finding solace in words of encouragement and appreciation. I see her breathe easy for a few hours when someone acknowledges her efforts and tells her how well the job has been done. I do think it is foolish to seek for validation outside of oneself for what one has done and can do but when I see her running - breathless, unsure and critical, I want to set her down for a few minutes to just tell her how wonderful she truly is. I want to tell her that she has done remarkably well in getting through all the challenges that life imposed on her and that she has come up - the hard way and the right way. I want to watch her drift into a blissful sleep as I hold her close to me so that when she wakes up, she knows that I will always be with her. I want to walk with her every step of the way. I want to be the ground beneath her feet that gives her the confidence to build up the momentum and to take that big leap. I want to be the calming voice in her head that tells how wonderful she is every time she questions her efforts and her abilities. I want her to see herself the way some others see her - a capable, hardworking and empathetic person who has forged her way through challenges big and small. 

This post is written is with the hope of reaching that seven year old in the past and to acknowledge her efforts. To try and make her see the confident, hardworking and knowledgeable girl that everyone finds her to be. As that seed of perfection grows into a giant banyan tree, I hope that it puts out these prop roots of contentment, satisfaction and happiness that can begin a life of their own.

I hope she finds peace and happiness...