Missing!

I have heard a lot of people reminisce fondly about their childhood. I, on the other hand, have never had very strong memories of my childhood and consequently never really wished to be there again. Whatever little I remember is also not the most pleasant.

But for the past few days, as I battle withdrawal symptoms after my trip home, I am also silently wishing for a little time travel to find that strong willed, clear headed young adult that I was. The rebel who could see the world in absolutes, who could judge clearly and who knew exactly what she wanted. Where is that girl of 13, or maybe 16, who knew what she wanted in life ? Who could say the right from the wrong and who could take sides without doubt or guilt. 

Where did that girl get mired in the trappings of being an adult ? In the haze of grey that my adult eyes see everywhere? Where every opinion is to be regarded and carefully considered and weighed before being accepted or being put aside as not applicable for your special situation. Where every statement has a caveat or an exception and where every statement has a situation to go with. Where no one is absolutely right or wrong - just what works for them.

For once, I wish for the same clarity and the same conviction as I weigh my options and my choices. I long for that clear headed, little voice in my mind, when I really want to  make some decisions. 

Will I ever find her again or is she lost forever, mired in the neuronal connections of an adult brain ?