I have been walking at the edge for a long time... at the edge of belonging and not belonging.
I have often wondered if someone will be around to help... If I trip. If I stumble. If I fall.
Will that be the end? Will a chance accident, a slip, a rolling pebble, a stray breeze - be the beginning of my end?
What happens to me then?
Will people just blame me for testing the rules, for skirting the edges, for flirting with the boundaries that they, in their 'infinite wisdom', had set?
Will anyone ever even try to understand my reasons for my actions? My reasons for not following the rules? For seeking something more. For wanting to look beyond what was told to be my rightful place in the world.
I didn't think so because every time I had looked, there was hardly anyone without a finger pointing at me. I heard jeering and jibing. I heard doubts and incessant advice. I heard voices of concern and I heard fear.
And through all this time, all I wanted was to know that I was not alone. Not alone in wanting something better, in wanting something real. All I wanted was to know there are people who see some good in me and my actions. And who would want for me what is good for "Me"... not what the world says is good for me, but what is truly good. For ME, for my mind and my soul - as a being distinct from the rest.
But then you gave me that assurance the other day. As you wept on the phone, I could see that despite the anguish and the pain, there was also a flicker of the understanding I had hoped. As you promised to stand by me, I wanted to be nothing but 'daddy's little girl'.... the one who would stoically walk back from school or college after a bad day - only to collapse into a puddle of tears at your one single question. I wanted to be the girl who knew that despite everything going wrong, I will be OK because you were there with me - through it all. I wanted to be that girl because she was fearless. She didn't waver at the edges, because she knew there was a cord holding her - tight and strong. She knew there was a hand supporting her, if she tripped, stumbled or fell. She knew that someone would fight for her when she was tired.
And that flicker was all I needed to steady my feet at the edges. To dig my feet into the dusty ground and to hold my head high without worrying about the ground below.
Thank you for that!
