I recently ended up reading Maya Angelou's "Letter to my daughter". Yes, I am late in reading Maya Angelou but better late than never. The book is interesting in many ways as it gives you glimpses of the writer's life and also the lessons learnt from them in these tiny nuggets. In some ways, it is the distillate her life, her trials and tribulations seen with the benefit of hindsight.
There were a few things that lingered on with me after reading the book, but this particular chapter somehow struck a chord when i first read it during my bus ride in the morning. The reason It struck a chord is probably because this is one issue that keeps cropping up every now and then - the matter of social propriety vs honesty.
In my early days on coming to the US, one of the first things I noticed was the exchange of greetings among strangers. Everyone would begin with "Hi ! How are you ? How has your day been going ?". It certainly was a pleasant novelty to start with, since in India, talking to strangers was something you were taught against even before you learnt how to talk. But then with time, I noticed that even though the question was asked, no one really waited for the answer or even heard it. It was just another meaningless social custom followed by habit and with no greater interest whatsoever. Once that realization hit me, this seemingly pleasant ritual became a sham that I no longer wanted to be a part of. So I no longer voluntarily participate in these conversations and when I do, I wait for the answer and listen to the words, than just the sounds. This note starts with this custom and then touches on the question of honesty and diplomacy that have been the fulcrum of many of my disagreements with people over time. And as i read her words, I realized that they echoed my sentiments to good measure. Of course, I do not care to tell off people for their dress sense and style unless specifically asked but whenever i do state my views, I try to be as close to the truth as I see it. Of course, I have also learnt that while truth is essential, tact is necessary too. After all, I state the truth not to intentionally hurt someone but simply because i care enough to not lie. And so in someways, this note dealt with some of the questions I have often dealt with in my personal struggles with social norms, etiquette and propriety.
"My mother, Vivian Baxter, warned me often not to believe that people really want the truth when they ask, "How are you?". She said that the question was asked around the world in thousands of languages and most people knew that it is simply a conversation starter. No one really expects to be answered, or even wants to know "Well, my knees feel like they are broken. And my back hurts so bad I could fall down and cry." A response like that would be a conversation stopper. It would end before it could begin. So we all say, "fine, thank you and you ?"
I believe in that way we learn to give and receive social lies. We look at friends how have lost dangerous amounts of weight or who have added ungainly pounds and we say, "You are looking good." Everybody knows the statement is a blatant lie but, we all swallow the untruth in part to keep the peace and in part because we do not wish to deal with the truth. I wish we could stop that little lies. I don't mean that one has to be brutally frank. I don't believe that we should be brutal about anything, however it is wonderfully liberating to be honest. One does not have to tell all that one knows, but we should be careful what we do is the truth.
Let us bravely say to our young women, "That raggedy hairstyle may be trendy, but it is also unattractive. It is not doing anything for you." And let us say to our young men "Your shirt tail hanging out from under your jacket does not make you look cool, it just makes you look unkempt and uncared for." Some Hollywood fashion police decided recently that appearing in wrinkled clothes with half shaven faces was sexy because it made men look like they had just arisen. The fashionistas were both right and wrong. The disheveled look does make the person appear to have just gotten out of bed, but they are also wrong because that look is not sexy, it is just tacky.
The nose, nipple and tongue rings are the possession of the very young who are experimenting. While I dont like them, they don't bother me much because I know that most of the youth will grown older and join the social sets in which they work and live. The rings will be discarded and the young people will pray that the holes heal over so that they will not have to explain to their own teenagers why the holes were put their in the first place.
Let's tell the truth to the people. When people ask, "How are you," have the nerve sometimes to answer truthfully. You must know however, that people will start avoiding you because they too have knees that pain them and heads which hurt and they don't want to know about yours. But think of it this way, if people avoid you, you will have more time to meditate and do fine research on a cure for whatever truly afflicts you."
There were a few things that lingered on with me after reading the book, but this particular chapter somehow struck a chord when i first read it during my bus ride in the morning. The reason It struck a chord is probably because this is one issue that keeps cropping up every now and then - the matter of social propriety vs honesty.
In my early days on coming to the US, one of the first things I noticed was the exchange of greetings among strangers. Everyone would begin with "Hi ! How are you ? How has your day been going ?". It certainly was a pleasant novelty to start with, since in India, talking to strangers was something you were taught against even before you learnt how to talk. But then with time, I noticed that even though the question was asked, no one really waited for the answer or even heard it. It was just another meaningless social custom followed by habit and with no greater interest whatsoever. Once that realization hit me, this seemingly pleasant ritual became a sham that I no longer wanted to be a part of. So I no longer voluntarily participate in these conversations and when I do, I wait for the answer and listen to the words, than just the sounds. This note starts with this custom and then touches on the question of honesty and diplomacy that have been the fulcrum of many of my disagreements with people over time. And as i read her words, I realized that they echoed my sentiments to good measure. Of course, I do not care to tell off people for their dress sense and style unless specifically asked but whenever i do state my views, I try to be as close to the truth as I see it. Of course, I have also learnt that while truth is essential, tact is necessary too. After all, I state the truth not to intentionally hurt someone but simply because i care enough to not lie. And so in someways, this note dealt with some of the questions I have often dealt with in my personal struggles with social norms, etiquette and propriety.
"My mother, Vivian Baxter, warned me often not to believe that people really want the truth when they ask, "How are you?". She said that the question was asked around the world in thousands of languages and most people knew that it is simply a conversation starter. No one really expects to be answered, or even wants to know "Well, my knees feel like they are broken. And my back hurts so bad I could fall down and cry." A response like that would be a conversation stopper. It would end before it could begin. So we all say, "fine, thank you and you ?"
I believe in that way we learn to give and receive social lies. We look at friends how have lost dangerous amounts of weight or who have added ungainly pounds and we say, "You are looking good." Everybody knows the statement is a blatant lie but, we all swallow the untruth in part to keep the peace and in part because we do not wish to deal with the truth. I wish we could stop that little lies. I don't mean that one has to be brutally frank. I don't believe that we should be brutal about anything, however it is wonderfully liberating to be honest. One does not have to tell all that one knows, but we should be careful what we do is the truth.
Let us bravely say to our young women, "That raggedy hairstyle may be trendy, but it is also unattractive. It is not doing anything for you." And let us say to our young men "Your shirt tail hanging out from under your jacket does not make you look cool, it just makes you look unkempt and uncared for." Some Hollywood fashion police decided recently that appearing in wrinkled clothes with half shaven faces was sexy because it made men look like they had just arisen. The fashionistas were both right and wrong. The disheveled look does make the person appear to have just gotten out of bed, but they are also wrong because that look is not sexy, it is just tacky.
The nose, nipple and tongue rings are the possession of the very young who are experimenting. While I dont like them, they don't bother me much because I know that most of the youth will grown older and join the social sets in which they work and live. The rings will be discarded and the young people will pray that the holes heal over so that they will not have to explain to their own teenagers why the holes were put their in the first place.
Let's tell the truth to the people. When people ask, "How are you," have the nerve sometimes to answer truthfully. You must know however, that people will start avoiding you because they too have knees that pain them and heads which hurt and they don't want to know about yours. But think of it this way, if people avoid you, you will have more time to meditate and do fine research on a cure for whatever truly afflicts you."
1 comment:
a very powerful post. i could hardly contest with the logic
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