For the past few months, i have lived a life of insulated isolation. I have also perhaps sought this out intentionally because this insulated numbness was easier to deal with that the daily fluctuations of loneliness and solitude. Very few things in this period have managed to give me an ecstatic high or the heart breaking, gut-wrenching low. I have just lived !
But then something was different that day. As I came home from work and left for my run, my mind was perceiving more than what I would normally allow it to. I noticed the fullness of autumn as it painted the leaves in these rich hues of reds and yellows. I noticed the disappearance of green and the abundance of leaves on the tracks. The air smelt of water as it held promise for those rare days of rain that we see here. It also smelled salty from the breeze that flies in from the oceans, every evening, like the fishermen returning from work. The streets smelled of eucalyptus even though I couldn't see them as the darkness was fast enveloping my strides. Everything was signaling a change but I was to have no premonition or inkling of anything extra-ordinary or special. But in those few minutes at the cusp of night and day, everything was going to make sense to me.
In that darkness, as I sauntered back towards home after my run, with my heart racing and my chest muscles heaving, I saw a "left turn yield" sign. A sign, which I had strangely missed the last time I was at that junction in my car and when another car had almost rammed into me. Seeing that sign made me see that almost-accident in a completely different light and made me count my lucky stars. It doesn't happen too often that I feel lucky but today I felt blessed. I had survived a mistake, a big one at that ! Yes, a lot of people make mistakes and I had not done anything that bad but as things played out, the consequences in my case could have been grievous.
It was in the first week of my driving solo that i had once driven through this residential stretch at dusk; and driving did not come to me easy! I could happily bike to work, ride close to freeways and speeding monstrosities but in a car, i was daunted and scared (strangely and unexpectedly). I think the power of the machine and the possible consequences of a mistake daunted me and scared me into a frenzy. In my early days, when I did not even know "my car" well enough to judge, I was on a constant adrenaline drip when in the car. In the incomplete darkness of that evening, I couldn't read the fluorescent ink on the sign and the fading light had not helped me see the sign too. Normally it wouldn't have been dangerous as it was a residential area with few cars and I had made the turn on the green light. But then that day, as I made that turn, I realized that I had missed the front end of another car which was approaching me at high speeds from the other side by a whisker (quite literally at that). It could have been a major disaster. At that time, the almost-accident had scared me from driving for a
couple of days as i couldn't understand how the signals were designed so. I was sure that i had turned on the green and i expected the
mistake to be at the other end but it was a rather unusual occurrence
here, where people are usually more disciplined on the roads. I told myself to go slower and got back on the road with a little more courage and a lot more caution. But the mystery of that day had remained till this day when everything became clear in those few minutes after dusk. It
is a feeling difficult to describe in words but it is probably
something like the vision that a painter has when he imagines a painting;
it has everything right, it is complete and it is heart-breakingly
beautiful and joyous.
I had that feeling of clarity in those few minutes on that day. Despite the lingering presence of the atheist and agnostic somewhere deep in me, I wanted to believe. To believe in purpose, and meaning and a personal God. A God who did not roll the dice for governing my life but who had a plan with my best interests at heart. Because while it was unfortunate to be almost run into by another car,
it was extremely fortunate that it was only "almost". And in that hour,
that "almost" made me feel like the luckiest person alive. It was a feeling of great intensity and purity. But as i reached home and let the monotony of the daily chores divert my mind, the feeling was gone. But its not something i want to let go of without a fight and so here I am finding words that best describe it, only in the hope that even as my memory fades, these words would hold the key to atleast partially unlock that feeling of revelation. That feeling of joy - pure and simple and that feeling of "belief" that wanted me to have faith. That feeling of optimism and positivity that saw a greater good hidden in every tear shed and a jubilation in every sigh uttered !
Like the painter whose vision of the painting fades a little as he paints, because flaws
emerge and limitations stare back and that initial vision of perfection gets a little jaded with each brush stroke. My vision of perfection is also being eroded constantly; But i want to hold onto it because that vision is all that keeps the painter going.
If only everyday could bring such intense and complete perceptiveness, I would never want to build that cocoon around myself. But till I reach that stage of continuous epiphany (an oxymoron screaming "impossible"!) I guess i will have to revisit this post to re-consolidate my weakening synapses !
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