Rabbit hole....

What happens when you lose someone ? When one fine day, you run out of the house, in the middle of your newspaper only to find out that destiny has played its cards and that the one person who made your life liveable is now gone. For ever. Taken into that abyss called time, where nothing penetrates. Where your screams and your tears are futile because what has gone is gone forever. 

Yes, there is grief.  So much, in fact, that it almost swallows your entire being... but sadly it is only almost. Because while the one you loved is gone, you are still left behind, trying to make sense of it all. Trying to find the pieces of your life. Looking for something that will make it all go away, for something that will let you change that one moment in time, when everything fell apart. If only you knew what was coming. You pick the threads of your life, trying to figure out where it began to unravel. You think of all the people who played a part and all those who didn't, in letting your life fall apart. You try and look for reasons to get up every morning because the one who mattered is no longer there. 

You find someone to blame for it all? Or you find someone to grieve with?

How do you grieve your own life ?

Do you bury yourself in work to tire and distract yourself from thinking, because you know that the moment you stop... everything will come back flooding in ? How do you empty your mind, like your life has become, because you are scared of what you find in it ? Do you try and erase every memory of the one you lost because he is everywhere. From those drawings on the wall, to those footprints on the porch, to the clothes in the closet, he is everywhere. How do you forget his smell, his voice or look when he was a part of you... ? How do you erase and wipe out the memories of someone like that ? How do you try and forget them because nothing else and no one else ever lets you... ?

But should you forget ? Should you let go of all those wonderful memories, of all those good things of the past, just because there seems to be no future... ? The memories are the gateway to finding the one you lost - to spending a few more minutes with them, far away from the cruel grasp of reality. Should you let go of that last reprieve too ? Shouldn't you just hold onto the past - to cherish it and protect it... so that at least the memories remain. 

How do you make peace with death of a loved one ? How do you start living again ?

Does the grief ever go away ?

"Becca: Does it ever go away ? 

Nat: No, I don't think it does. Not for me, it hasn't - has gone on for eleven years. It changes though.

Becca: How ? 

Nat: I don't know... the weight of it. I guess ! At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you crawl out from under and carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you.... you even forget it for a while. But then you reach for whatever reason and - there it is." 

 - Thoughts on the movie Rabbit hole.