Considering the number of retractions these days, Conscience seems to be the last thing on the mind of some Con-scientists...

The girl on the beach...

A few days ago, it was my thirtieth year on this planet. A lot happened in this while... I grew up, most importantly, for all concerned !

A lot of people told me 30th is supposed to be big... "its once in your life" ! But isn't every birthday - "once in your life" ? But still, in a world where we bundle up things, round up figures and look for milestones: 30 is a milestone!

Some people have welcomed it with fear and regret, some with joy and celebration, some with the mundane. I was curious to see which way I would go but as things happened, the birthday was a tiny distraction in a larger scheme of events. And so in some sense, I barely noticed it.

But then, several days later, as I flip through Pablo Neruda's collection of poems in the early hours of a sunday morning, I find this little gem...
And somehow, it is probably what I feel... 

 Ode to Age

by Pablo Neruda

I don’t believe in age.

All old people
carry
in their eyes,
a child,
and children,
at times
observe us with the
eyes of wise ancients.

Shall we measure
life
in meters or kilometers
or months?
How far since you were born?
How long
must you wander
until
like all men
instead of walking on its surface
we rest below the earth?

To the man, to the woman
who utilized their
energies, goodness, strength,
anger, love, tenderness,
to those who truly
alive
flowered,
and in their sensuality matured,
let us not apply
the measure
of a time
that may be
something else, a mineral
mantle, a solar
bird, a flower,
something, maybe,
but not a measure.

Time, metal
or bird, long
petiolate flower,
stretch
through
man’s life,
shower him
with blossoms
and with
bright
water
or with hidden sun.
I proclaim you
road,
not shroud,
a pristine
ladder
with treads
of air,
a suit lovingly
renewed
through springtimes
around the world.

Now,
time, I roll you up
I deposit you in my
bait box
and I am off to fish
with your long line
the fishes of the dawn!

 

I still feel like the little girl on the beach, sifting through the sand, looking for those little pebbles and shells, waiting for the waves to bring me more, hoping that one day I will find something brilliant....   ;) 

Till then, I wait, I pick and choose and I learn about what I am and what I want with every passing wave - a little each time.... 

 PS - This is a photograph I took in 2009 during my first visit to the US, and this image has stayed with me ever since. Somehow, I have always seen myself in that image rummaging through life in search for something....

It's been a while...

Time has been strange of late. In some ways, it feels like a lot has happened but when I sit down and take measure it still feels like nothing really has. I still feel as lost as ever and I still am searching - but then I guess that process is eternal. 

I came through some very tiny spaces without losing that semblance of life. I still have some perspective, if not the same.

Days have been going by at the count of 5 days at work intervened by two days of everything else. 

I realize that I haven't spent much time with myself in a long time - doing things I've loved to. I haven't given my mind any space to grow but I have been cramming it with stuff. No wonder then that it feels tired. 

There is something missing still and I don't know what it is. There is something I am constantly searching for and never finding.

Life is a web sometimes and I am trying to find the one thread that will lead me where I want to go without disturbing the delicate balance - but its taking me a long time to figure that one out ! ;) 

Interestingly, after a long time, I am happy again at being left to myself and my computer. I have found that weird space again where I am my best friend and my biggest critic.

My mind wants to soar again now. After a long time, I feel like stepping out and feeling the sun. I feel like getting back to those simple old pleasures like toying with my camera. Not many opportunities have come along but I am hunting... and that is always good ! :)

My Cinderella tales....

It is a holiday today but my mind is far from feeling the freedom. As I sit by the window and wait for the breeze to calm my nerves, my mind is confused, unforgiving and lost. My hand is tied in a cast but the pain seems to be elsewhere as I think of all that you said and try to make my choices. 

What am I looking for in life? What kind of a person will make me happy? Do I know what I want or am I just rejecting everything that comes along because it doesn't fit my imagination? Do I know my mind or my heart? Do I want to spend the rest of my life alone?

Your questions don't cease and my answers don't seem to be coming. 

What am I looking for or rather who am I looking for... ?

These words have been haunting me for long but the noises are louder now than ever. 

I wonder. I question. I put phrases together but they sound meaningless - similar but different, support, courage, comfort, protection, understanding, compatibility.... 

I know I need a metaphor - something that will reflect my thoughts better than what my words are doing right now. Something that will show you what I think and what i mean. Something that will make you see where I am coming from. 

I search the corners of my mind for the one answer that will make sense of all that i think, for you.

And I say in my head - shoes !

I see you smirk. I see you laugh in the windows of my mind. "Shoes!? My foot!" 

But that is what/who I want....

Someone who is similar to me but still not identical. Just like the two shoes in a pair. They are so very similar but still a little different. Life for either, is incomplete without the other because they complete each other. They walk together all their life, matching steps, leading and guiding the other, every step along the way. We can look for a size but ultimately nothing predicts the fit. You have to be comfortable with the other. Not every size or design will fit everyone. Sometimes, you see it and you know - "this is it!" and sometimes, you go back and forth, a hundred times - before the final splurge. On the long road of life, only the good pairs will travel through, with their souls and their minds intact. The rest will be blighted by corns and calluses that will leave them bruised and unhappy for life. The shoes that don't match are not good or bad - just not right for each other. 

But like Cinderella, a shoe is sometimes the key to the search. And because the journey ahead is so long, one might as well wait for the right fit to come along.

I hope you see what I am saying. I hope you understand. I see a light flicker in your eyes for a brief instant before the harsh realities of life snuff it out.

I hope it will reappear even as I question my wisdom. 

For now, I choose to wait for the right fit - because one must try and be absolutely sure of what one is walking into - Always, always! 

The rest as they is life as it comes....