How much longer....

There are many things we yearn for as children but in most cases, the years make us wiser and strip away our childish fondness for them. 

But a few of childhood fantasies remain as points in that 'list of things to do someday' - a list that we hold onto in that secret compartment of our life, waiting, hoping for a better future. A day when we will be ready to take on more responsibilities, to move beyond the pressing concerns of our own existence and to try something new. A day when we will have a plan and a backup ready. We hold onto that list because the rational part of us tells us we are not yet there. Not yet ready to take additional responsibility. Not yet ready to spread wider, lest we spread ourselves too thin. 

And so they remain - these childhood fascinations, that grow on us and return in occasional pangs of yearning and envy. 

Having a pet, or more specifically - a dog of my own has been one such fascination for me. As a child, we (me and my accomplice in crime, my brother) tried every excuse in the book to get ourselves one but our tricks never really worked and my parents always had a good excuse in my asthmatic lungs. 

Today, decades later, I still want one; but I hold myself back. I wait for a better time - a time when I would have more time to take on additional responsibility. A time when I would have more stability and more clarity. A time when I would be able to give more time, more space and more of me to that dream.

But then I meet her and that childhood yearning returns - ever more powerfully like the hunger pang that has been denied for long. I love walking with her, sometimes unaware of who is leading whom. I love her whining,  as she runs from one window to another when she bids me goodbye. I love her paws and her muzzle as she gently nudges me into patting her. I love how as a 14 month old, she ran scared from the ocean but was soon trying to intimidate the wild waves  into submission, attempting to save her master and friend from the menacing ocean. My heart goes out to her when she scours the grounds frantically looking for us - her friends, running from one end to the other, relentlessly. Who is lost, I wonder! We or her...? I love her when she majestically stands by the car's window with the blustery wind racing her by. I love her silliness when she bumps her head trying to reach out to me in the moving car only to be patted. 

The world does look a lot different when you are look at it from her height. 

People seem taller, buildings seem gigantic and things are moving so much faster. And yet, she fights for us, holds on tight to us - unable to let go. She might forget me in a month or perhaps in a year, if I am lucky. We have, after all, met only a handful of times.  But what she shares with her 'master' is something else altogether. Its a bond unlike any other. In one moment she is the child who likes to be appreciated and cooed to. At another, she is the adult scouring through the crowds looking for her lost charge. At one time, she is the defenseless puppy being intimidated by the other dogs as she runs to your protective fold. At another, though, she follows you into the scary ocean, fearlessly, because she wants to protect you. 

She might forget me in a month or perhaps in a year, if I am lucky. We have, after all, met only a handful of times. But in those few days, she has become a part of me - a part of my dreams, a part of my future - like nothing else. I don't know if I have clarity about much else in my future but I do know, that one day, it will have a dog - as silly and intelligent as her, as loving and lovable as her. The question is - how much longer should-could-or-would I wait? 

PS - Having a giant teddy, a canvas to paint on and a garden are the other childhood fantasies of mine still buried on that crumpled sheet of paper.... they are all waiting for another day and another time. 

The question is: how much longer?