On a cold, windy day, as I sit by the window and look at life as it has been, I feel strangely disconnected, as if I am witnessing a movie of sorts (a rather boring one at that !).
Life in the past few years has moved at its steady pace but somewhere i am not living it the way I used to. I can barely feel my life - the unbearable agony or the ecstasy of being. I can see the days moving by, at a steady pace, governed by the sun and its relentless motion, but I can't feel them distinctly. So much so, that sometimes, I am left wondering about where one began and where it ended. It feels like it has been one steady flow like that of the river as it reached the plains - slow, meandering, almost effortless even though it is carrying a lot with it.
I have witnessed some great days and lived through some exceedingly painful events but while I have been through them all, I can't feel them - the pain nor the joy. It feels like they all came and went like the ripples on the surface of a deep pond when a stone is cast. There are disturbances on the surface but underneath it all, deep within, there is an undisturbed quiet. A sense of steadiness and stability. Is that where I am ?
I haven't jumped with joy or shrieked with excitement even for achievements that mark a lifetime. I haven't dwelled in the sorrows and moped around either, even though some days were just wretched and miserable. I have lived through them with these reactions which were essential but somehow nothing really managed to pierce through the exterior. I haven't been inactive either. I have met my goals, made my decisions and led my life. I have done the right things (at least as per how they seemed to me) and i have worked hard. And yet, I feel disconnected. Far from the daily ups and downs which were marked by a certain volatility that used to catch even me by surprise. It was a life with a lot of drama because I used to feel a lot more than I needed to. And how much I wished then to feel less, so that the pain would become more bearable and life would become more pleasant. These were not huge, life-threatening or existential problems that would impact a nation, but they were mine. The joys too were not landmark events. They were small jokes, few good moments, tiny successes, that were marked by a small treat.... nothing dramatic but I could feel them and I was ecstatic with them. Life was more like the journey of a river at its origins, tumultuous, tiring, bubbling forth and bursting through every obstacle that comes forth.
But not now. I am at a different stage now. Is it that I have just grown older and have found the maturity to appreciate life in all its essence away from the sinusoidal curves of daily existence... ? Is it that my mind had adapted itself in some "evolutionarily" competent way to make me survive through the worst by dimming my perceptions and sensitivities ? I mean, if I don't feel the miseries, I am bound to live a happier, less complicated life, ain't I? Have I finally found a sense of equanimity with my approach to life, as opposed to the volatility of my earlier years, when every tiny event would trigger a surge of adrenaline or endorphin.... ? Or is it that I have actually become indifferent to life around me ?
Have I become calm and level-headed or simply indifferent to life ??
Life in the past few years has moved at its steady pace but somewhere i am not living it the way I used to. I can barely feel my life - the unbearable agony or the ecstasy of being. I can see the days moving by, at a steady pace, governed by the sun and its relentless motion, but I can't feel them distinctly. So much so, that sometimes, I am left wondering about where one began and where it ended. It feels like it has been one steady flow like that of the river as it reached the plains - slow, meandering, almost effortless even though it is carrying a lot with it.
I have witnessed some great days and lived through some exceedingly painful events but while I have been through them all, I can't feel them - the pain nor the joy. It feels like they all came and went like the ripples on the surface of a deep pond when a stone is cast. There are disturbances on the surface but underneath it all, deep within, there is an undisturbed quiet. A sense of steadiness and stability. Is that where I am ?
I haven't jumped with joy or shrieked with excitement even for achievements that mark a lifetime. I haven't dwelled in the sorrows and moped around either, even though some days were just wretched and miserable. I have lived through them with these reactions which were essential but somehow nothing really managed to pierce through the exterior. I haven't been inactive either. I have met my goals, made my decisions and led my life. I have done the right things (at least as per how they seemed to me) and i have worked hard. And yet, I feel disconnected. Far from the daily ups and downs which were marked by a certain volatility that used to catch even me by surprise. It was a life with a lot of drama because I used to feel a lot more than I needed to. And how much I wished then to feel less, so that the pain would become more bearable and life would become more pleasant. These were not huge, life-threatening or existential problems that would impact a nation, but they were mine. The joys too were not landmark events. They were small jokes, few good moments, tiny successes, that were marked by a small treat.... nothing dramatic but I could feel them and I was ecstatic with them. Life was more like the journey of a river at its origins, tumultuous, tiring, bubbling forth and bursting through every obstacle that comes forth.
But not now. I am at a different stage now. Is it that I have just grown older and have found the maturity to appreciate life in all its essence away from the sinusoidal curves of daily existence... ? Is it that my mind had adapted itself in some "evolutionarily" competent way to make me survive through the worst by dimming my perceptions and sensitivities ? I mean, if I don't feel the miseries, I am bound to live a happier, less complicated life, ain't I? Have I finally found a sense of equanimity with my approach to life, as opposed to the volatility of my earlier years, when every tiny event would trigger a surge of adrenaline or endorphin.... ? Or is it that I have actually become indifferent to life around me ?
Have I become calm and level-headed or simply indifferent to life ??
2 comments:
After years of having the
adrenaline at my beck and call
strangely it is no longer as responsive (at least in higher plains of thought) ; now not so much.
In my lay experience, I have Adrenaline surges when I spot opportunity.
When I was younger, I saw things in my own way, a single-minded way. So opportunity spotting did not really depend on others.
Now, I have a different perspective because I have gathered insights from others' experiences; I also care about others' opinions and so the "opportunity discovery" process is no longer single minded; I can no longer command adrenaline whenever I want..Hope my way of understand this is of some help..
I do feel, on more occasions, indifferent or level-headed. It think it may be because my increased interactions in the real world have made in indifferent (jaded) sometimes and level-headed (thoughtful) at other times. Or I may be totally wrong and I should quit spending so much time in front of the computer!!
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