From the clarity of black and white, my world has been invaded by the grays. It started silently like those first obscure strands of gray that you suddenly notice on one fine day.
I left them unattended and now I can see that quietly and surely, the grays have invaded my world as they constantly cloud my perspectives. Nothing seems right or wrong and every perspective seems understandable given the circumstances. No one seems right and no one seems wrong. No answer seems complete and no question feels simple. Every problem has a million variables and is never taken care of. Every decision feels like a gamble as nothing ever is completely right for all concerned. My thoughts of me are burdened by my thoughts of others. My fears for others have become my own.
Where is that simple world of yonder where people were either good or bad, honest or dishonest, right or wrong... ? I feel like I am trying to see the world through a lens that becomes misty every time I breathe. How does one make decisions when everything has its own pitfalls and its own merits, when everyone is bound by their circumstances and when every choice is driven by its own problems.... ??
With age and maturity, I have found the grays and maybe even accepted them. I know now that they are here to stay. At times, I feel like not breathing just so the mist would clear and the images would become sharper.... At others, I like this fuzzy world where I can judge no one, where is no one is right and no one is wrong. Where people are just people and everyone is beyond my understanding, reproach or opinion because i will never know in entirety of the past that made them what they are, the present that holds them where they are or the future that drives them forward. And that is sometimes liberating.
But in this gray world, I do sometimes hold my breath and wait for the mirror to clear up because after all decisions have to be made one way or another. While sometimes chance comes up as the blustery wind that clears my vision, at other times, it is my heart which sheds some light. In a world where rational thought seems to fail me, I am learning to listen to my heart which has many a things to say through those gentle whispers, nods, notes of disgust, anger, confusion, misery and joy. While my mind is relentlessly trying to fit the pieces of the puzzle together, knowing deep within that it is almost impossible without a picture to go with, my heart takes a stand and gives me a small, feeble indication. I try to listen and I struggle to interpret. But with the years spent together we now seem to have a sense of trust as i have begun to understand its voices.
I guess with the loss of clarity in vision, i have sharpened my auditory acuity... :)
I left them unattended and now I can see that quietly and surely, the grays have invaded my world as they constantly cloud my perspectives. Nothing seems right or wrong and every perspective seems understandable given the circumstances. No one seems right and no one seems wrong. No answer seems complete and no question feels simple. Every problem has a million variables and is never taken care of. Every decision feels like a gamble as nothing ever is completely right for all concerned. My thoughts of me are burdened by my thoughts of others. My fears for others have become my own.
Where is that simple world of yonder where people were either good or bad, honest or dishonest, right or wrong... ? I feel like I am trying to see the world through a lens that becomes misty every time I breathe. How does one make decisions when everything has its own pitfalls and its own merits, when everyone is bound by their circumstances and when every choice is driven by its own problems.... ??
With age and maturity, I have found the grays and maybe even accepted them. I know now that they are here to stay. At times, I feel like not breathing just so the mist would clear and the images would become sharper.... At others, I like this fuzzy world where I can judge no one, where is no one is right and no one is wrong. Where people are just people and everyone is beyond my understanding, reproach or opinion because i will never know in entirety of the past that made them what they are, the present that holds them where they are or the future that drives them forward. And that is sometimes liberating.
But in this gray world, I do sometimes hold my breath and wait for the mirror to clear up because after all decisions have to be made one way or another. While sometimes chance comes up as the blustery wind that clears my vision, at other times, it is my heart which sheds some light. In a world where rational thought seems to fail me, I am learning to listen to my heart which has many a things to say through those gentle whispers, nods, notes of disgust, anger, confusion, misery and joy. While my mind is relentlessly trying to fit the pieces of the puzzle together, knowing deep within that it is almost impossible without a picture to go with, my heart takes a stand and gives me a small, feeble indication. I try to listen and I struggle to interpret. But with the years spent together we now seem to have a sense of trust as i have begun to understand its voices.
I guess with the loss of clarity in vision, i have sharpened my auditory acuity... :)
1 comment:
Sometimes I feel the same way when the lines between empathy and my own experience blurs. I realized I helped myself by clearly separating the issues on hand. Of these issues, some are shared, others not. I have also found factors like wordplay and unstated assumptions play a major part in this. So I am trying my best to understand these things :) My two cents..
Post a Comment