Hearts tied together....

It was a bright sunny day - warm but not hot and there was no trace of clouds. But then all of a sudden big huge drops came pouring down from the heavens' above and pock marked the granite below.... For a brief while, the drops stayed as speckles on the floor.... only to be dried off by the warmth inside the earth... and soon, it was all back to where it started...

Friendships are weird in that your existence is often so fused with that of another being that there is gamut of emotions wrecking havoc at times. What do you do when the source of a friend's happiness is the reason for your misery ? Do you rejoice with your friend or do you wallow in misery and self pity ? How does the joy of some one dear become more important the problems of self ?

On my big day after a lot of tension and anxiety... as the big day approached to a successful end... I was drained of adrenaline and exhausted by the sheer relief from the tension...but there she was in front of me... So very happy for me as her eyes twinkled with joy but then suddenly her eyes welled up and then there was no stopping the tears... But soon, they were all gone, her eyes showed resilience and strength as she regained her composure.... And in moments her face was calm as the sunny day again... but what led to the drizzle ? What flooded her eyes as she wept in my embrace...? What blurred that sunny day ? Was it just her heart brimming with happiness as it overflowed unable to contain the joy or was there sadness at heart of it all... Deep sadness... Of being left alone as the world surged ahead... Or was it joy tinged with sadness that was searing through the bonds of friendship which tied our heartbeats in sync...What burdened her heart so much ... ? I still fail to understand !! I question myself for how to lessen her pain and to ease her mind... Is there a way ? Can the warmth of a friendship protect the heart from the harsh winds of life ? Can the joy of friendship provide succor to a heart in distress ?
I hope it will...

I know that she keeps me grounded and makes me count my blessings.... and i hope that her heart will find the strength to soar with my happiness... I hope ....

Relationships and reasons for them...

These are a few random thoughts which crowded my head for a long time... Things in my life and questions from others send me off on a questioning spree !! I had held back from posting them in the hope of more clarity but I haven't been able to sort them out and so i have finally decided to abandon my attempts at structuring them. I am out of "that" phase now but the thoughts are still relevant ... So, if the post seems a little random, lost and confused... just ignore it and take what you find...

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Someone once said - People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime...

All our life we meet people, hordes of people... we however get close only to some...we form very few relationships in life... How do these people stay on ? Do we actively choose these few ? How do we pick out the few who stay with us ? What drives the relationships that we form in the course of our lifetime ? Is it need, greed or just happiness ? Are people calculating and scheming their way through life, counting their every gain and every loss before forming a relationship... ? Are people forming relationships of conveniences or bonds for a lifetime ?

How do we form our relationships ? Are we actively searching and forming them, picking and pruning them or are we passively waiting for the right ones to come along ? Are relationships formed actively or are they just the end product of many random occurrences... ?

I realized with the benefit of hindsight that I have never been proactive about relationships. I have never initiated most relationships, however, I screen my relationships. I may not have picked my relationships but I do filter the wrong ones out... I start off on an indifferent and yet open note with all people... and then slowly, they fall out of my view as I notice things which i don't like... Am I being judgmental ? I guess, I am ... but i think we all are ... what differs is how we deal with people after judging them ? Do we accept them as they are or do we try to change them ? Do we pretend to like them even if we don't or do we remain honest and take a stand ? Do we tolerate people or do we respect them for what they are ? Are our relationships based on fear and need instead of love and respect ?

Is it wrong to judge people... ?? Why is it ? There are different types of people and not everyone is what you would like... They are just different types, not better not worse...
You judge/evaluate people to find out whether you like them or not.. whether you can accept them or not ?

Of the many people i have met only a few have become a part of my life... some did not make the efforts, some did not make it through and i weeded some out.... The final circle that emerged is a group of people who i cherish for I accept them as they are and they accept me as I am... We are bound by choice not by relationships... by deeds not by words... They are my conscience keepers and they are my life...

I guess, our reason for a relationship is more important than the relationship itself... and that probably determines the fate of the bonds formed... I look around and i can see people lost in a maze, trying to find their way.... they are looking for support and they are looking for comfort. So am I. But there is a difference ! I am looking for comfort which comes from honesty not familiarity... I am looking for love which will last a lifetime because it is heartfelt and not because it is the means to an end... I am looking for support despite the differences because people can agree to disagree....

And so I wait for people to find me... and for relationships to happen...

Relativity....

Relativity defines our lives ... from Einstein's law of relativity to our purchase of daily groceries (we buy relative to a 1kg weight !!), we are constantly surrounded by relativity. In sciences and engineering again, one almost always needs a reference or a scale bar to which you measure up everything else... Relativity defines us is more ways than one !

But then what is the reference for people ? How do you scale people ? In the right or in the wrong ? Capable or incapable ? Given a situation what is the way to judge people in a fair and unbiased way... ? I have always needed a scale and a reference point on which to weigh people, situations, actions and opinions ! "Do unto others as you would like to be done unto you" is a maxim that seemed like a sensible option to take. And so, in my life, I ended up using myself as the scale and the reference. Given a situation or when asked for advice, i have always wondered what i would do in that particular situation and then reacted or advised accordingly. I chose many years ago to be the scale and to lead my life according to my rules... I chose to be the reference because I thought i am just like the others and what i can do they can, and, what they can do, i can...

This seemed like the perfectly natural way to go ahead till of course i saw the problems arising out of this scaled approach !

I spent all my years weighing every person and every action with myself as the reference till i came to wonder recently if my original premise is correct... Are all people equally capable and gifted ? Can they think and react similarly ? Am i the right measure ? Perhaps not, people are different and come through different paths.... Their past trajectory determines their future directions... They form their future from the raw materials provided to them ? We need certain experiences to become certain kinds of people... and not everyone has similar experiences at similar phases... !!! I now find, my scale to be suddenly non-functional as i am unable to comprehend a number of people, their thoughts, their ideas and their concerns.... I feel anchorless and adrift when i encounter such situations and people...

I face this dilemma on an almost daily basis, if all people are different, then how do you judge people and situations ? There is hardly a universal right which is applicable in life? How do i evaluate people and situations and what do i base my reactions and decisions on ? How does the world function, i wonder ? Don't they judge ? Don't they need a scale to judge ? Don't they need a reference and a standard ? Do they form their own codes and standards or do they blindly follow what the world dictates ?

In science, one can always bank on averages, means and medians to give you some insight... Will this approach work here ? If I try to determine my position in the world's Gaussian curve, will i be better equipped to judge and evaluate others. Maybe or maybe not... But for now, I am a girl in search of the middle ground and the average ! That region of the spectrum where the abilities of the majority lie and perhaps that would be a good reference point to try and evaluate people, situations and opinions... So, as i search for my place under the sun, I also wonder where I am placed relative to the others....

Living in the grays ....

People have opinions and people have clarity on almost all issues.... I wonder why so very often I am unable to make up my mind... !! Why are my scales never functioning so well so that i can decide...

Well...i guess, to decide about anything it is important that the decision makes a difference to you. On a lot of occasions the consequence of the decision hardly matters to me and so i guess i fail to decide... But that's only a partial explanation ...

Because, for the rest of the occasions, even when the nature of the decision does matter, I am still unable to decide most of the times ! I wonder how others manage to have such strong opinions about everything.... bracket people as good or bad, say things as right or wrong ? I wonder how they completely fail to see reason in another view point... Why cant I have such clarity ?

Why is it that i see sense in every possible view point presented to me... ? Why is it that i am no longer able to see the world in black and white ? From the world of blacks and whites, i found the world of the grays - not the simple single shaded gray but a world of grays with hues and shades differing by degrees that one couldn't possibly imagine.Why are there so many grays ? Grays that numb your senses and dull you into inert acceptance ? Why am i able to see the grays all the time and not be able to judge them for their merits ? Why am i so confused every time ? Why is it that when taking a stand I see both view points with so much clarity that i am unable to pick up the one i see as more right ? Why am i left to just presenting the contrary view to a person on hearing his opinion... ? How do others navigate through this never ending world of options and opinions ? How do they find so much clarity ? Is their clarity irrational and whimsical or are they making the "right" or the "easy" choices along the way irrespective of what they believe in ?

A quest for clarity...

What makes a relationship work ?
Are people like jigsaw pieces who fit together and complement each other to make a whole... or are they like clay casts which can be moulded such that all relationships are possible... ???

At a time when i am bombarded with the question of what i am looking for in a future partner, i wonder, what is necessary for a relationship - similarities, differences, liking/love, respect, acceptance, some inherent compatibility or chemistry ? I wonder what makes a relationship ? What are the pre-requisites... ? Are there any ?

I try to figure my way around these questions but they do come back to me every now and then...

The more I think, the more I feel that the only thing required to make a relationship work is love and with it perhaps will come all the other things that lay the foundations of a strong relationship. People are different and nothing can change that. People have shades of good and bad... We just need to find the acceptance in us to deal with all of that. We need to have the liking for a person, the will for a relationship which will overcome all the differences. People can after all agree to disagree in a mature and sensible way ! And with love, I am sure comes tolerance and acceptance and the will to change... I find it difficult to accept that people change but I also know that they can change if they choose to ! The love that a relationship brings in can perhaps be a catalyst for greater change.

And as I work these aspects into my mind, i also wonder if love is sufficient. To me it seems to be, but is it ? After all love is nothing but hormones and chemicals surging through the blood stream causing the release of neurotransmitters and altering neuronal firing rates....
For now, i seem to believe though that one's love for a person is the only catalyst that is needed to stabilize a relationship and carry it through...

It gives you the strength to accept, to learn, to confess, to have faith, to be honest and to forgive... It is the force which stabilizes the relationship and propels it forward...

But what leads you to love ? I don't know and i cant quite put a finger on it... Is it attraction that holds the door open for love ? Is it similarities in the thought processes... Or is it just differences in approaches ? Perhaps, a combination of them all. For some its the charm, for some it is the wit...

Sometimes you fall in love in a way you cant rationalize, you just like the person despite all the similarities and the differences. It is perhaps something they call as chemistry... when you like someone just as they are... you love talking to them, laughing with them, being a part of their lives and making them a part of yours...

I still dont know what i want but i know that it takes two to make a relationship work and if even one person is not sure of it, its wiser to just step back and wait for the answers to emerge... Sometimes, life has a way of getting the answers to you, you can't snap things into place... they sometimes just melt in given the time... Maybe this is an explanation or maybe it is an excuse for my passivity... But, for now I just know that I am looking for love and that I don't have a checklist to be sure of.... I guess, I am just going to wait to feel the rightness and for someone else to feel the same way before i take the leap... !!! :)