Leap of faith...

I have always loved the idea of bungee jumping, jumping down a cliff with nothing but a rope holding you... as the sole link between you and life, the thread that tethers you and prevents you from falling into an abyss....

The rush of the wind, the free fall, the adrenaline rush, the world which is spinning out of control as you make the jump. For those few moments the world as you knew ceases to exist as you fly through life... Time flies with you, seemingly unstoppable, till of course something pulls you back and you find your way back to reality....



Relationships are also like that in some ways. I often see these pairs of people who are always together - their lives completely interwoven as they spend their entire days together and I always end up wondering how they do it.. I mean, how can two people always find perfect resonance in each other all the time ? As they share their likes and dislikes, their lives, their every thought and every emotion all the time, I stand in awe and wonder if it is true. To be able to share all your thoughts and feelings without a flinch... To open up yourself to another person so completely that there is hardly anything separating the two lives. It is nothing less than amazing because it takes a lot of strength of make oneself so vulnerable. I guess relationships are are like bungee jumping. You need that leap of faith as you jump headlong in to the unknown hoping that the bonds will last.

It takes a lot of courage and faith to be able to do that. And as I stand here on the cliff, i see these people willing to jump holding on to nothing but faith.... faith in the relationship, faith in the unknown and faith in another person and I wonder how they have so much faith in so little time? Is it just blind faith that lasts them a lifetime or does the heart "just know" what the mind doesn't ?

New ground...

Seeds of the same tree...
Fruits of the same labor...
we spent our lives together for a long time now...
so much so that it is sometimes difficult to tell one from the other.
Our journeys began together...
with one common tether...
but the seasons are changing and the winds of fate are working on us...
Its time for a fresh start and a new journey...
I don't know where we'll end...
I know not, what world awaits me
and what the future holds for me
but i hope and i pray that I find you all with me....
It is a journey we need to make...
to find our own place under the sun,
Its a big world out there waiting for us.
I hope and I pray that the winds are not too strong
and that the ties are not broken
I hope that our past binds our future through distances far and near
as we hold on to all that is dear
as we build our own world on our own terms
I hope and i pray that I find you all with me....


Dedicated to friends who have left a footprint in my heart... :-)

Parallel lives...

Fate sometimes brings together lives which are as unlike as they ever can be... people who end up living their lives together, bound by the bonds of habit, fear, society, religions, and customs. Their lives are forever intertwined but forever separate, together but still never together, they move from one milestone to another making constant adjustments and accommodations. They are almost like the railways tracks as they run parallel to each other all their lives, laying the foundation for the innumerable journeys of many people. Their lives are marked by these junctions where they seem truly together, unable to distinguish one from the other but then the differences will always remain. Its almost like they live in parallel universes in a continuum of time....

Their lives progress through space and time as journeys begin and end, as lives are built on them. They seem to be the same but the winds of time are wearing them out as the bonds begin to strangle and then everything seems too much to bear. The tracks however fail to realize that they are the foundation for many lives and any discord among them can have disastrous consequences. But then who do you blame... for time does wear them out differently... ? And then, as their inner metal wears out, the journey becomes rough. The lives that were built upon them are precariously balanced as the world threatens to collapse in one giant sweep.

Will the tracks last this way, together but still never with each other ? Should two lives be held together out of tradition and convention ? Can the effects of time be wiped off somehow... ?


Somehow it just seems that those tiny intersections hold the key... those junctions where all lives merge and one can't tell one from the other... the differences will remain forever but in harmony...

Perhaps...

Frames and the stories in them...

Ever so often these days, I come across these points of views which completely echo mine. Thoughts which I have had at some point in the past but never bothered to remember and note. Feelings that I have had but never quite understood. Ideas and opinions on subjects which I have always had with a degree of uncertainty and circumspection. And then I chance upon these writings or people who act like your sounding board and there is a connection, no matter how brief or how transient, there is a connection, that gives me a degree of certainty in my thoughts and ideas…. And ever so often, the other person manages to express my views in a way far more beautiful and poignant that I would have in a long long time….

The following is one such text I chanced upon the very next day after writing my "on the spur of the moment" blog on photography. My fascination with pictures has been for long and I have always had very romantic reasons in liking photography. While I did put across my thoughts on the subject in my previous blog, this article in the Sunday edition of the Hindu made me jump with joy. It said all I wanted to tell in beautiful prose ! Confirmation bias someone would say. Maybe ? But the fact of the matter is that these nuggets of thought floating around in the universe, come to you at times you are ready for them. And I find that order in stochasticity and randomness rather appealing to let go.

Anyways, I put forth here some of the text from this article with the footnote that I hope I can write with greater fluidity with lesser effort in times to come.

"A Story in Each frame

Life is a series of stories that could be broken down into a sequence of images that could run fast enough to seem like continuous spiral of activity without the punctuations of blank spaces. Each of these images can be captured, memorized by the mind and often is, only the finest details blurred over by time, age and eyes that may not be quick enough to fix them for eternity. And what the ye can see, the camera can freeze, too, each photograph keeping a log of what happened, where, when and how.

A really good photographer can also steal a little bit of that feeling, the emotion, the soul of that particular moment in time - in fact, in many cultures, a photograph is dreaded, sometimes even forbidden, since it is believed to take away a tiny slice of the soul, perhaps even the life, of the subject being photographed. But for the viewer, a photographic image tells a story, or a bit of one, leaving the rest for the imagination to conjure up and embellish. In telling that story, photography, once considered to be merely a way of capturing a moment, be it as a family portrait, or a facet of breaking news, gradually became an art form - a creative story telling, fiction perhaps - or a means of documentation - a biography or a record of life and its living.

The images tell more stories than their subjects would perhaps have imagined. The unsaid says more than that which is spoken of, conveying mood, relationships and affections in that one snap in time. And there is history in each frame - culture, tradition and age as reflected in the way the women pose, the clothes they wear and how they are worn, the furniture, even the pictures on the walls, Each has a special story, its meaning and interpretation left to the viewer. "

- Excerpts from the Hindu Magazine, Sunday, 22nd August 2010
An article by Ramya Sarma

And as the photographer in the article says - "If I could write, I would not be a photographer"…
I would perhaps say that if I could paint and write, I would not be a photographer.

Frozen moments....

I love pictures.

I find that they have a story to tell as they freeze moments in time. They hold a thought, an emotion, a feeling and a perspective as they capture light to paint the outside world. Long after the moment has passed, long after the people have changed, and the world has changed, the picture lives on... and it carries the story with it. They could be your stories that you would want to revisit later or some one else's stories as they prompt you to stop, look, reflect and make sense. Moments from life around you, frozen for eternity on a small piece of paper.

Pictures freeze moments in time. A blooming flower, a dropping leaf, a fluttering butterfly, the light peeping through the shadows, a tear drop, a smile.... moments that make our life.
Moments of agony, despair, ecstasy, camaraderie, empathy, hope and many more such emotions... they make our life. Some visions and images epitomize these emotions. Some moments will forever remind you of such feelings. These are the moments that one would like to hold on to.

Pictures do that for us. They hold a story for us long after we are gone. I love freezing those moments by the simple click of a button. I love the shift in perspectives that light can cause. I love capturing those moments, moods and emotions.
I love pictures. The perspectives, the thoughts and the feelings therein.

Booked....

"Writers imagine that they cull stories form the world. I'm beginning to believe that vanity makes them think so. That it's actually the other way around. Stories cull writers from the world. Stories reveal themselves to us. The public narrative, the private narrative - they colonize us. They commission us. They insist on being told."
-- Arundhati Roy in 'Come September'

These words for some reason resonate in me. I seem to agree with her at some level and not just for stories, but books too...

Bookstores are special places. They give me this special feeling - of friendships to be made, of good old friends, of interesting strangers and of indifferent bystanders all in one place!! Some books just call out to you, some sweep you off your feet, some put you off, some are daunting by sheer volume, some intrigue you while some just linger in your mind space till you finally succumb to the temptation...

If i were a believer, i would have talked of fate and providence and of destiny's role in bringing me closer to books i have wanted within pretty short notice... but since I am not, I like thinking of the amazing coincidences and the rare probabilities that actually materialize as I meet new books... Books I would have heard of or read about in recent times.... they just pop right in front of me all of a sudden and then it is only a matter of going with the flow... While I know that confirmational bias may be true, i just can't help succumbing to it, time and again. It sometimes feels like a divine conspiracy in bringing me together with a book, sometimes with an elaborate courtship as i mull over and over at the prospect of buying a book for a few months; or sometimes like a brief passionate relationship, where i succumb to the flow and get carried away; some books are like an old flame, which keeps coming back to you each time with a new premise and some books, are like family, which you just want to have around...


With all the pleasures that they actually hold, bookstores can also cause a lot of angst too, especially, when you have to leave books behind out of a sense of duty towards those you already have or in the interest of that bank account which needs some dough in it... bookstores tempt me till no end... and more often than not, I succumb to their charms... :-)

Books like stories find us and give us a life... a new life...

Ramblings and rantings....

In a world of appearances, you are considered as sincere and as affected as you look. Who cares about the truth or your actions or your thoughts ? They are never visible to the world. What counts is what is visible. That which is projected to the world through a lens of deception and cover ups.... That's all the world seems to work by and they say they work with the truth as they see it... But here is the catch.... everyone is presenting a truth as the others want to see and everyone is one big happy family in this world of make believe...

The sloths rule the hearts of the world by their sweet talk while the select few who let their actions speak louder than their words are considered brash, ignorant, haughty and egoistic !!!

Strange are the ways of the world because staying quiet is an affrontery , telling the truth is considered insensitive.... guess, whats needed is sycophancy and diplomacy in good measure !! How did we come to this ? I can see the world built for the Peter Keatings of the world while the Roarks are hated and despised. While the book has lived on the extremes and Roark had the courage to not care about the world, here i am lost in the maze as i try to find my way around the people. It feels like a spider web by which I am suspended and which i am unable to break free... slowly devouring the very essence of me and threatening me to succumb to the rot.... but i am flailing my arms in sheer desperation, unable to free myself... I try to wriggle my way through quietly and slowly, finding my ground but NO.... I am stuck !!

I am trapped in this web of appearances where everyone works at covering up the truth and making the other feel better... where words speak louder than actions and where how you look is more important than how you think...

Is there an El Dorado somewhere or is it only in the imaginations.... ?
Am I destined to dwell in this rot or is there a reason for my hope ?
I hope that this is only a dream that i will wake out of... where people will get what they deserve and where truth will respected !!!!!

Hope...

Caffeine callings....

Everyone has a weakness... I have mine too... I am an addict !!!

A caffeine addict ... :-)

Coffee is my strength and my weakness... !!!

A good cup of strong, hot coffee completes my day... It softens the blows of failed experiments and gives me a buzz... :-)
It gives me the strength to carry on....
My days feel incomplete without my regular two cups of caffeine shots... But its not just any coffee that works for me...
Americano, Espresso, Cappuccino, Latte, Frappe, Macchiato, Irish.... they all leave me wanting for more...

Its something about the humble, south indian filter coffee that just lingers with me, and leaves me craving for more... the lovely aroma, the bitter-sweet taste, the froth on top and the warmth that seeps through to thaw your veins.... Nothing can beat the filter coffee that one gets in those tiny steel glasses where you need a cup underneath to hold on to the glass... Nice and strong, that melts your sorrows and defrosts the mind...

Coffee is all I need... to get over a failed experiment or to relax after a hard day...Its my companion for my book reading sessions (my only problem is that it doesn't last as long as the book... :-)) or the never ending chats with friends...

But besides its ability to be my biggest strength, coffee is also a big weakness for me... because on those rare days when i don't get my usual cuppa, I am left with a splitting head that almost signals the end of the world...

I guess that's where the saying comes from - "Given enough coffee, I can rule the world" (courtesy a friend and some online resources.. :) )

And, so I pray that i keep finding my regular cup of hot, strong south indian filter coffee as i work my way through life...

"Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal™:
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks:
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life:
And I will dwell in the House of Mochas forever.

~Author Unknown"

A bit extreme but true nonetheless... :-)


[For the more scientific and historical aspects of caffeine - I have dedicated a section to this wonder beverage on my other blog "skeptic in wonderland... "
http://skeptic-in-wonderland.blogspot.com/

Man... i don't seem to be getting over my love for coffee or what ? :-)]

Reality hits...

The mind does play tricks with you... Ever so often reality doesn't seem real till something just hits you hard in the pit of your stomach and then the world seems like a different place altogether....

It took a couple of signatures and a few forms for me to suddenly become aware of the new emergent reality of my life..
The realization brought with it a sudden gloom which just seeped through my being. It left me wanting to reconsider all of my plans and all of my my thoughts till then.

My imminent departure...

To a new world which always seemed close enough to touch but suddenly became very real... a journey had begun and the end was near. An end for world as i knew it, in the folds of familiarity, with people and places i knew, where everything seemed mine and where i just fit in... I had grown into this world as it warmly embraced me into its folds... I had grown up here with my joys and sorrows, friends and foes, with laughter and tears...

And now I needed to pick up my roots and move all alone to an alien land and find my own space there. With no one familiar, things are scary and strange. What will happen to the people here, to the people who are so much a part of my life here ? How can I leave behind so much of me and still be myself... Will things ever be the same ? Friends and family, houses and homes, roads and rivers.... I have had so many wonderful people walk into my life making things great for me, so much so, that i am scared of leaving it all behind...

Like a little bird who so wants to fly and see the world, I too want to make a mark on my own... find my space under the sun. But that just needs to me go away from my home and my people... into an alien land where things are not going to be the same... Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it all but then i imagine myself twenty years from now and I don't want to hold on to regrets... and so I decide to take the plunge with a heavy heart and worried mind...

on the wings of hope, i decide to fly... to find my own world...

Losing Faith...

"Have faith.", "Everything happens for the best."

Faith is a word one commonly hears in multiple contexts particularly in times of trouble when everyone only advices you to have faith in the almighty and bide time till your problems are taken care of by divine intervention.

What is the faith that everyone seems to advocate ? Faith in whom ? Some supernatural being that they believe exists because everyone tells them so... ? Faith in goodness, fairness and justice ? Faith in the circle of life... ?

I wonder how so many people have the innocence in them to believe in something just because everyone does... Religion, God, Spirituality... they are the cornerstones of most people's existence. How do they manage to have Faith strong enough to over look reason.

We all start of as innocent children with faith but somewhere along the way some people grow up and lose this ability - for better or for worse ! There is a certain innocence in children when they believe that they were dropped by storks or that there is an evil dump-truck that penalizes them for not eating or being naughty. They are able to submit to the higher powers and feel protected and loved. They believe in Santa Claus and in angels and that their dreams will come true.

But then as people grow, they find other things to place their faith on - God, Religion, Prayers, Family etc. Why then, am I so lost in this maze... ? Why do I find it so difficult to simply believe and to have faith.... ? Why can't I believe in goodness and justice, hope and humanity, in the presence of a personal god who is just and will not let any harm come to me.... Why am I unable to let go of my life to the unknown ? Why do I wage this struggle against the randomness of everyday life to make my world my way ? Why cant I be like the child who waits for Santa Claus and hopes for angels ? Why do iI look for rationality in everything ? Why do I let reality get to me so much so that the world appears brutal and dreary ?

It seems comforting to know that someone "all powerful" is watching over you and will protect you ... but then why is it that the winds of time have eroded that vein of innocence in me and made me a skeptic who questions everything ? Why has my mind hardened to weather all storms without seeking solace in the unknown ? Some would say it is good that i am living a life of reason and courage but the truth is, it is far less comforting this way... ! Giving up the Panglossian paradigm of "the best of all worlds" strips life of all romance and reduces it to the bare skeleton of existence in randomness... When things go wrong, there is no blind faith and hope for the future... There are only bare facts which do not provide succor! There is no assurance of justice being done to you or of goodness being rewarded... There is no prospect of things working out the right and fair way. Stripped of this romanticizing, it is a mean world that is left behind, where you survive to the best of your abilities, the way you want to... making the world a better place for yourself and for the others that matter.... I am happy with my life of reason but ever so often when things seem really bad, I wish i could believe and have hope back in my life. I wish i could pass on my trouble to someone and not take responsibility for all that happens... I wish, I had someone watching over me. I wish I could believe in the presence of an omnipotent, omniscient , loving God who will not let any trouble befall me... I wish i could lose the skepticism and the cynicism that ever so often engulfs me just be able to believe in all thats good and beautiful for a little while....

Once in a while, I miss Faith... and I wish I could believe.... :-)

The end justify the means ???

Given the power of flashback to summarize one's journey so far... we all pick out these big days, which punctuate our life with events which are landmarks by their sheer nature and structure.

These days symbolically herald big changes... They are not the days that are extremely productive, exciting, joyful or painful. They are just days which differ from the others because they mark a shift. These are the days that mark the beginning or the end of an era or a period. They are symbolic but they are all that you might care to remember decades down the line - the day you got your degree, the day you submitted a report, the day you gave a big presentation, the day you got a job, the day you got engaged or the day you got married. These days are what one remembers as representative flashes of their life - as landmarks on our journey along the road.

But our life is in fact lived interspersed between these landmarks... It is the anxiety and the hard work before each test that makes you what you are, it is the preparation for the exam that teaches you and it is the time spent with your loved ones that count.... but it is the end that always registers and makes an imprint! Everyone remembers the big wedding day but very few remember the months of nerve wracking and enthralling courtship that preceded the big day... or the tiring preparations and arrangements that went behind the big day... More than those special days, it is the days of the everyday mundane that are more important... It is these nondescript moments that shape you and your life by making a difference.... Somehow, the end is what seemingly justifies the means but somewhere we all tend to lose sight of the fact that more often than not, the means are more important ! The journey is more important than the end... and sometimes, that is all there is !!

But these "big days" make a difference in their own small ways... they signify a break or a pause from the ordinary. They mark the beginning or the end... They are a time well spent on introspection, on critical thinking and on acknowledging the many contributions that shape your life... These are the moments where one stops, looks back and appreciates life. So, while these big days make an impact and give us perspective, it is the everyday mundane that really makes our life !!!