The value of self...

I have dwelled for the past week in the classical era of european art music and have been a part of the lives of the Mozart family.

I am not being delusional or schizophrenic but my introduction to the Mozarts comes through a book by Nancy Moser called as "Mozart's sister". Reading about the book in one of the other blogs had piqued my interest a long time ago but then I finally got around to getting and reading the book only recently.

Through this work of historical fiction the author traces the life of Nannerl Mozart, the sister of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, a composer whose name will not be forgotten from the history of music for eons to come. But then why this focus on the life of his sister and not on the maestro himself ?

Well, Nannerl was an equally gifted musician, if not as prodigious as Mozart. However, despite the talent and the ability, the world sang paeans to Mozart and his musical gifts, while the name of Nannerl Mozart was gradually erased from the sands of time. She was a dutiful daughter and a sister in addition to being an accomplished musician but her gender and the social mores of her time bound her talent and kept them captive to the demands of domesticity. While I empathized with her and her limitations, i also thought that she lacked a certain spirit and will which are essential for people, especially women to survive in a society dominated by men. The book is written through the character of Nannerl and does a fairly good job of giving you an understanding of her circumstances. One can feel her pain as she sees opportunities snatched from her and handed over to her brother. She is tormented by her desire for fame and opportunity along with a sense of jealousy for her brother. She battles with these emotions till much later into her life and the book does justice to her sentiments.

But what really caught my mind was the simple, one lined, question on the dust jacket - "Is the recognition she longs for the truest measure of her gifts ?"

It is a question that comes up every now and then. We are all social creatures and the opinions of the society do have a grip on us. I have often attempted to wrest myself free of this "need/desire" for appreciation and approval and after many years, i find myself much better off. But, i still do value the opinions of a few dear to me.

Why do we crave for this sense of appreciation realizing fully well that it does not in any way, shape or form truly reflect our ability or potential ? A society's perception of good and bad is determined by many factors and they are based on components other than the objective truth. Yet we crave for approval. For fame. For appreciation. For recognition.

Why ?
I guess, I want to be sure of my evaluation of myself and my work and perhaps i also want to be more objective of what I do and think ! I often worry that I am perhaps more human than I realize and give myself a lot more leeway than is rightfully deserved. At such points I like to hear the honest opinion of a trusted few to know that I have indeed done the right thing in the right way.

Being able to be immune to the words of others is a quality that serves as a double edged sword. On the one hand, it leads me to imagine characters such as Howard Roark who work for the sheer joy it brings and not for the appreciation or the rewards that it may entail. These are people who are extremely egoistic (in the truest sense of the word) and are beyond caring for the opinions of other people. On the other extreme are also the self centered people who are unable to think beyond themselves and their needs. They work to further their interests without any concern for anyone else but their concerns are usually dependent on the existence of others... the prestige, the honor, the pleasure - all in the eyes of the others ! These are a class of selfish parasites who have been ably dealt with by Ayn Rand in her books. But in between these two extremes, lies perhaps, the majority of mankind !! We are all not egositic enough to be beyond the need for the approval and praise of the society... But then, neither are we willing to live a life of complete selfishness.

We still crave for approval and appreciation even as we try and pursue our dreams.
But, is it worth it ?
"Is the recognition we long for the truest measure of our gifts ?"

Ignorance is Bliss ?

"Yet ah ! why should they know their fate,
Since sorrow never comes too late,
And happiness too swiftly flies ?
Thought would destroy their paradise,
No more; where ignorance is bliss,
'Tis folly to be wise. "

- A Poem by Thomas Gray.

"Was ignorance bliss ? Was it folly to be wise ? Although sometimes I longed for God to tell me what was in store, I knew it best that He kept it from me. There was enough pain in the present. Why borrow it from the future ?"

An excerpt from "Mozart's sister", a novel by Nancy Moser which is currently keeping me engrossed.

Kahlil Gibran and his works have fascinated me for a couple of years now but I have never managed to read a book of his from beginning to end. Every now and then I revisit his work (this time the reason was a post I read) and glean a few gems... a few words that stay with me, a few thoughts that I echo and a few images that I cannot forget...

Here are a few from my visit this time....

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Said a blade of grass to an autumn leaf, "You make such a noise falling! You scatter all my winter dreams."
Said the leaf indignant, "Low-born and low-dwelling! Songless, peevish thing! You live not in the upper air and you cannot tell the sound of singing."
Then the autumn leaf lay down upon the earth and slept. And when spring came she waked again -- and she was a blade of grass.
And when it was autumn and her winter sleep was upon her, and above her through all the air the leaves were falling, she muttered to herself, "O these autumn leaves! They make such a noise! They scatter all my winter dreams."

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"Your thought is a tree rooted deep in the soil of tradition and whose branches grow in the power of continuity. My thought is a cloud moving in the space. It turns into drops which, as they fall, form a brook that sings its way into the sea. Then it rises as vapour into the sky. Your thought is a fortress that neither gale nor the lightning can shake. My thought is a tender leaf that sways in every direction and finds pleasure in its swaying. Your thought is an ancient dogma that cannot change you nor can you change it. My thought is new, and it tests me and I test it morn and eve.

You have your thought and I have mine.

Your thought allows you to believe in the unequal contest of the strong against the weak, and in the tricking of the simple by the subtle ones. My thought creates in me the desire to till the earth with my hoe, and harvest the crops with my sickle, and build my home with stones and mortar, and weave my raiment with woollen and linen threads. Your thought urges you to marry wealth and notability. Mine commends self-reliance. Your thought advocates fame and show. Mine counsels me and implores me to cast aside notoriety and treat it like a grain of sand cast upon the shore of eternity. Your thought instils in your heart arrogance and superiority. Mine plants within me love for peace and the desire for independence. Your thought begets dreams of palaces with furniture of sandalwood studded with jewels, and beds made of twisted silk threads. My thought speaks softly in my ears, “Be clean in body and spirit even if you have nowhere to lay your head.” Your thought makes you aspire to titles and offices. Mine exhorts me to humble service.

You have your thought and I have mine."

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"Everything in life is good; even gold, for it teaches a lesson. Money is like a stringed instrument; he who does not know how to use it properly will hear only discordant music. Money is like love; it kills slowly and painfully the one who withholds it, and it enlivens the other who turns it upon his fellow man."

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Song of the flower ...

I am a kind word uttered and repeated
By the voice of Nature;
I am a star fallen from the
Blue tent upon the green carpet.
I am the daughter of the elements
With whom Winter conceived;
To whom Spring gave birth; I was
Reared in the lap of Summer and I
Slept in the bed of Autumn.

At dawn I unite with the breeze
To announce the coming of light;
At eventide I join the birds
In bidding the light farewell.

The plains are decorated with
My beautiful colors, and the air
Is scented with my fragrance.

As I embrace Slumber the eyes of
Night watch over me, and as I
Awaken I stare at the sun, which is
The only eye of the day.

I drink dew for wine, and hearken to
The voices of the birds, and dance
To the rhythmic swaying of the grass.

I am the lover's gift; I am the wedding wreath;
I am the memory of a moment of happiness;
I am the last gift of the living to the dead;
I am a part of joy and a part of sorrow.

But I look up high to see only the light,
And never look down to see my shadow.
This is wisdom which man must learn.

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When my sorrow was born...

When my sorrow was born I nursed it with care, and watched over it with loving tenderness.
And my Sorrow grew like all living things, strong and beautiful and full of wondrous delights.
And we loved one another, my Sorrow and I, and we loved the world about us; for Sorrow had a kindly heart and mine was kindly with Sorrow.
Amd when we conversed, my Sorrow and I, our days were winged and our nights were girdled with dreams; for Sorrow had an eloquent tongue, and mine was eloquent with Sorrow.
And when we sang together, my Sorrow and I, our neghbors sat at their windows and listenend; for our songs were deep as the sea and our melodies were full of strange memories.
And when we walked together, my Sorrow and I, people gazed at us with gentle eyes and whispered in words of exceeding sweetness. And there were those who looked with envy upon us, for Sorrow was a noble thing and I was proud with Sorrow.
But my Sorrow died, like all living things, and alone I am left to muse and ponder.
And now when I speak my words fall heavily upon my ears.
And when I sing my songs my neighbours come not to listen.
And when I walk the streets no one looks at me.
Only in my sleep I hear voices saying in pity, "See, there lies the man whose Sorrow is dead."

And when my joy was born...

And when my joy was born I held it in my arms and stood on the house-top shouting, "Come ye, my neighbours, come and see, for Joy this day is born unto me. Come and behold this gladsome thing that laugheth in the sun."
But none of my neighbours came to look upon my Joy, and great was my astonishment.
And every day for seven moons I proclaimed my Joy from the house-top -- and yet no one heeded me. And my Joy and I were alone, unsought and unvisited.
Then my Joy grew pale and weary because no other heart but mine held its loveliness and no other lips kissed its lips.
Then my Joy died of isolation.
And now I only remember my dead Joy in remembering my dead Sorrow. But memory is an autumn leaf that murmurs in the wind and then is heard no more.

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On Friendship

Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.


When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.


And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

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Till my next visit... :)

Its been a year... !!!!

I go back in time on the blogroll and I see that it has been a year since I started this blog *

A year !!

It has been a long time indeed but to me it seems like a haze. The last year seems to have hurried past me while i was running past one deadline to another and now when I pause and look back, a lot has happened in the past 365 days...

- A blog, which was a new beginning in my life from what it was! I decided to start writing this blog as a chronicle of my life to enable me revisit my experiences despite my failing memory. Over a period of the last one year, this piece of me has been instrumental in leading me closer to old friends and new. It has made me realize more things about me and my people. It has been my silent friend, confidante and champion. It has been my voice and my sounding board. Through this blog, i have opened myself to vistas I never deemed possible. It has been a rewarding experience in more ways than one ! I have discovered a joy in writing, although, I occasionally do question the wisdom of leaving my thoughts open to public scrutiny. But then, I have also enjoyed hearing from my friends and strangers on the blogosphere.

- A degree. The culmination of five years of hard work has finally given me a doctorate in philosphy... :) I should be thrilled and ecstatic but somehow i never let it register amidst the flurry of activity that marked the last year.

- A big move. A new city, a new job and a new country ! Thousands of miles away from what was my home for all my life so far, I now embark on a new journey. Amidst fears, uncertainties and strangers, i am finding my foothold and am building a new life - all on my own.

- A friendship restored, a bond regained !!! (nothing else need be said but that I re-found a friendship that almost seemed lost to me... and that has been another landmark event for the past year... ).

- A few friends gained and a few lost... as is always the case.

- I discovered the sheer, indescribable joy that surprises can bring...

- I saw old friendships maturing with time... from little girls giggling about the silly things in life, we were young women talking about our lives and our futures. It was a sight to behold.

- I saw my first research paper getting published - a validation of my scientific competence and aptitude. It gave me a feeling of being a part of the community of scientists. It gave me a feeling of having been through an essential rite of passage.

- I started acquiring the ability to ask for help. I had been a rigid believer in doing your job, yourself and your way without bothering anyone else with your troubles. But then the last year has pushed me to limits that i have had to seek out help and it has been a good experience. To know that you have people you can depend on, on your worst days is a very uplifting thought and i have truly come to accept this thought over the past one year only.

The past year has been a bit of a roller coaster ride that has had me sitting at the edge of my seat for more reasons than one. It has left me exhilarated and exhausted at the same time. :)
I now hope to take a breather as I pause and let life walk with me. I intend to take things easier this year as i explore newer dimensions of my life....

Cheers to the noble thought :) !!


*as a regular blogger

Unity in differences...

We are friends despite the seemingly big differences that alter our approaches and shift our perspectives dramatically.

While you believe, that problems, issues and thoughts should be framed in words, dissected, analyzed and resolved, I shy away from words. I like having some of my thoughts freed from the bondage of words. Irrational as it may sound, to me molding my thoughts into words makes them real. I can wish away my fears as long as they are in my head but the moment they enter the shared space of our thoughts and minds, I feel like my fears have become real.

To me some things are best left unsaid.
To me silences can speak more than the words and relationships can hear the sounds of silence.

To you, knowledge of your loved one is instrumental while to me it is almost immaterial.

While you believe in molding a relationship, I believe in letting it have a life of its own.

Trust and hope come easily to you while my pragmatism struggles with my hopes everyday.

While you believe in changing people, I believe that people can never change that attempting to change them is criminal in some ways.

While you believe that our relationships, give us rights over each other, I believe that we are all free spirits with no one having any authority on us and we having no power over anyone else.

While you believe that mutual consonance strengthens a relationship and disagreements can cause rifts; I believe that disagreements like friction are good in modest amounts. Like friction, disagreements infuse warmth and trust into a relationship. They can also shed new light that offers a new perspective !

While you seek for resonance, I am happy with knowing that you will be beside me no matter what, showing me the right path and leading me along.

While you strive for understanding, of yourself and others, I look for acceptance and tolerance - just as we are.

Maybe some day, we will find the right words or someday, we will not need any words... but till then,
we are in many ways like the two faces of a coin - very different and yet bound together by unity. In some ways, we complete each other while in some others we don't understand each other.

Different approaches and different perspectives but all to the same end... because we are, after all, friends who care.

Growing my wings...

I see shared laughters', warm embraces and stolen glances. I see hands holding onto each other as their disparate lives slip into a warm embrace. I see their lives melting into each other as they talk oblivious of the world around. I see forms merging into each other as if made for each other. I see chemistry crackling between two people, like that's all they were meant to do. I see laughter and affection. I see shared thoughts, dreams and expressions.

And then...

I see life taking control, as the distances grow...and words supplant the glances even as the hands struggle to hold onto each other. I see the warm embraces disappear into the haze of everyday existence. I see people drift apart.

I see two people coming together for brief instances only to drift apart... And yet, they manage to let themselves go. They let themselves get carried away by the ebb of life, and by love, holding onto nothing but each other.

And here I stand wondering, how do they do it ? How do they let go of themselves so completely - each time and every time! Some may think it is weakness to be so frivolous with emotions but to me it seems like a lot of strength. It is easy to live in a cocoon protecting oneself, but it is difficult to break open the shell and to let one self be vulnerable to a stranger.

I wonder how they do it and then i think that perhaps the caterpillar can only break the cocoon when ready to fly... !!! Till then, he just has to bide his time and grow his wings.... :)

Waiting for the calm...

Solitude has been a long time friend of mine. For a long time now, I have been comfortable being alone. I have acclimatised well and have learnt to cherish the sound of silence. I have learnt to talk to my deeper self and I have accepted that it is better to be alone than with bad company (bad of course refers purely with respect to my taste in people and not in any absolute sense). I have indulged my creative spirits and have found new ways to challenge my mind. I have found ample company in my books and my thoughts. So much so, that over the years, solitude has become a necessity for me. I like my long walks and i have liked my silent conversations with myself. I was also lucky to find a set of friends who understood this need of mine and let me have my space. I like my moments of quiet and silence. Unlike others, i have come to need my space. Strangely, I find that this empty space completes me.

But now, despite my friendship with solitude, I encounter loneliness. Like a raging storm wave that catches the shore unawares, loneliness often manages to catch me unguarded. There are times when I ache to hear my people, to hear them talk and laugh, to listen to their stories and to laugh with them. I wish to talk to them about the daily mundane if only to crib and rant... But then even as these waves break on me, I stand still like the sea shore and wait for the waves to recede. I wait for the tide to pass and I wait for the winds to break. And then as the sun comes back again, I can feel the warmth of the world. But then, with every storm, I find myself a little different each time. A part of me is lost each time even as i find newer aspects of my being...

A little less and a little more - only to find myself anew...

A dream to chase...

"If you had all the money you wanted, what would you like to do ?"

This was a question I was recently asked and since I had a list which I had fantasized about for several years now, I could answer pretty spontaneously. But the question did get me started on formalizing the list. I decided to prioritize my dreams/wishes so that destiny (if it exists) and I are both not confused about what I want...

Well, it is a pretty fancy situation to be in... imagine all the time and money in the world !!! So, I decided to build a dream life for myself... A happy place I can go back to every time life gets too "real" to handle... !!! Friends and family are definitely a part of my dream but to start with, I just decided to dream about a future for me !!

A dream - with a quiet home by the sea, such that I can go for long walks on the beach with my friends, family and my dog (I've always wanted a big, hairy dog... :)). Call it fulfilling a childhood dream or a wish from adulthood, but having a dog around me, was always high on my priorities... :)

I guess after a quiet morning with my cup of coffee, my dog and my newspaper, I would want to spend some time writing. Writing about what and why, are questions I haven't yet imagined answers to, but I sure hope to find the answers soon !!

There are some things I've wanted to learn for a very long time - painting being one of them. The existence of a keen interest and some rudimentary skill (glimpses of which are seen occasionally) make me want to explore my creative instincts through colors, lines and forms. Reality doesn't attract me and when I think of painting, I only think of thoughts wrapped in lines, shapes, colors and forms. And so with all the time and money at my disposal, I wish to explore my creative instincts....

Another skill that I've always wanted to acquire is to play a musical instrument, preferably a violin. From the deep, soul-wringing melancholy to the pure ecstasy of being, the violin has always made me feel alive !! I find in its music an experience that transcends the ordinary and takes one closer to experiencing pure, unadulterated bliss !!

Books !!! They have been a very important part of my life and will perhaps always be !! They have been a life long passion and a never ending quest for me.... the more I read, the more I find i want to read. My idea of a happy life always included a library at home and having the complete freedom to dream, only takes me closer to that desire !!

Travel and photography... while they seem the most popular choices on everyone's wish list, i "really, really" want to travel... leisurely, slowly, with all the awareness that i can possibly muster. I want to explore the world, its people, culture and its history... I do not refer to only the tourist destinations but to the cities, the people and the stories in them - of castles and manors, of kings and queens, of battles and deaths, of people and their lives... I wish to travel the world to see it by my own eyes and to feel its pulse in my heart... !! My love for photography compels me to hope and to capture these moments - of the world and of my experiences in it, for posterity. Through my lenses, I wish to freeze these moments of my life into tiny magical potions that I could revisit at a moments notice.

And finally If I were to summarize my wish list in one word - it would be "verve"... a life of spirit and enthusiasm.... I hope I chase my dreams with all the vitality that i can muster despite the everyday grind...

I hope to have a life - well fought and well lived... !!!

Fingers crossed !!! ;)

Makes me wonder about your dreams to chase ?