Some food for thought about food.... :)

As I sit here almost 8000 miles away from home, trying to pen down an article on request, there are many things that are flooding my mind. But since I have been asked to talk about food, I am going to try and restrict myself to it. I am not a connoisseur or a gastronome. I am a simple person who eats to live (and not the lives to eat kind) and who believes in cooking well to eat well. I have very few preferences in terms of food and as Phoebe once said, I can eat almost anything without a face (being brought up as a vegetarian does leave you a little disadvantaged in that one arena that faces become unappetizing…). I have also almost always had a very high threshold for taste and smell perceptions and that just means that I need a lot of salt to taste the saltiness, a lot of spice to taste the spiciness, a lot of sugar to get the sweetness, I am sure you get the drift by now which is that, I basically needed a lot of anything to sense it, one way or another. I was a survivor in some sense. Quite unlike the gourmet friends of mine, I could eat almost any food and not complain – be it the mess food or the food at some other unmentionable places (unmentionable because I am still not rich enough to spend money on libel cases, you see !).

My introduction to food as an art and an experience happened after my introduction to IISc and a few people (unmentionable now, because of privacy issues than the fear of libel) who surrounded me and who kept talking about the texture of food, the smells, the looks, the subtle tastes and a whole lot of such stuff which was completely unpalatable (pun intended) to someone like me. More often than not, I was left amazed at the sensory acuity of my friends… (one of them could actually smell food and tell if the salt was right.. !!! (Wowo… and at this point you should imagine me staring at her with my not so very well-known “jaw-dropping look”)

But that was the beginning and from that shaky beginning I have now evolved to see the very many pleasures of food. I have started to explore diverse cuisines and to note the finer points of the entire culinary expedition. I find it fascinating to now eat a morsel of food and to try and discern the components that built it… I mean, the spices, the herbs, the vegetables that went in… The subtle flavor of oregano or pepper, salt or mustard, basil or cumin, garlic or ginger etc etc…. I find it fascinating that people can actually do that !! I have also started noticing the kind of food that I like more than a few others, I have started paying attention to the texture of food, the amount of oil, the possible variations etc (the fact that I didn’t have a PhD on going to pay attention to did help enormously… truth be told). I assure you that it would have seemed like a lot of indulgence and vanity to me too perhaps a few years ago but now I can see the art and the craft underneath. I have started to appreciate the view of the connoisseurs. After all no pursuit can be trivial and while books interest me, food could interest someone else. And more often than not having food could kill you while not having a book will only upset you a little.

I also realize now that my unbridled spirit in dealing with ingredients was kind of kept in check by the fear that I could have others consuming (and perhaps commenting) on the fruits of my labor. A physical distance from such daunting responsibility and a solitary existence in distant lands, has now truly liberated me from the bonds of tradition and culinary shows. I now cook for myself knowing fully well that I will still love myself no matter how the food turns out and I experiment with gay abandon. I mix ingredients just because they appeal to me and I match recipes. The fact that I have to cook for myself has only opened up a new journey and I am loving it so far. Cooking can be therapeutic in some ways. Coming back from a crazy day at work with a disastrous experiments, pushy bosses and dumb colleagues, cooking can be a relaxing activity. One at least gets a good meal at the end of the day and the joy of creating something new is an added bonus. It is an experience that I treasure and look forward to. I am exploring a whole new world and as Mac Donald’s says it “I’m lovin it”.

But then through all these years, there has been one thing that has been a constant in my life – my sweet tooth (I didn’t lose it when I lost my milk teeth and grew the permanent set !!). While, I was quite unaffected by most food and not really choosy about what I put in my mouth (well, there is a child in me still ;)); there was one thing which really got me dreaming and drooling. Desserts!!! Oooo wonderful desserts!! Through the more physiological endorphin and dopamine release the desserts – cakes, pastries, cheese cakes, mousse, muffins, chocolates… have made many a rotten day feel better. I have often craved for some simple sugar and chocolate combination when things have been going far from good and my friends have pampered me through. From a cheese cake at amma’s to the ganashe tart at Freska’s to sometimes the Tiramisu at Miller’s, I have relished many a fine desserts. I have also realised that my weakness lies in the combination of a bitter-sweet taste of dark chocolate or coffee and sugar, like life as it is (well… I knew there was a philosopher in me all along). I love the chocolate melting in my mouth even as the nuts give me something to chew upon. I love the warmth of the molten chocolate as it seeps through the cold vanilla ice cream and I love the sweet mascarpone cheese even as the coffee soaked sponge cake crumbles in my mouth. If there were a heaven, I would say that I have seen glimpses of it and I am very happy with it too… J

But then, here lies the challenge for the future, through my culinary explorations, I have still not ventured into the land of desserts, simply because it sounds like a sacrilege to me!!! But one day I do hope to make a leap of faith and try my hand at some of these bits of heaven accessible to ordinary mortals like us… Till then I console myself saying that there should be something in man’s reach but just out of his grasp. After all it gives us something to look forward to. So as I prepare myself for my giant leap (sometime in the future) I continue to dabble with smells, textures, colors and tastes as I explore the world of culinary perfection though my own humble means.

As a sincere advice, I would say “the devil lies in the details” and one must watch out for what one puts into their mouth… it is a rewarding experience…

Happy eating and happier cooking to you all !!

The value of self...

I have dwelled for the past week in the classical era of european art music and have been a part of the lives of the Mozart family.

I am not being delusional or schizophrenic but my introduction to the Mozarts comes through a book by Nancy Moser called as "Mozart's sister". Reading about the book in one of the other blogs had piqued my interest a long time ago but then I finally got around to getting and reading the book only recently.

Through this work of historical fiction the author traces the life of Nannerl Mozart, the sister of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, a composer whose name will not be forgotten from the history of music for eons to come. But then why this focus on the life of his sister and not on the maestro himself ?

Well, Nannerl was an equally gifted musician, if not as prodigious as Mozart. However, despite the talent and the ability, the world sang paeans to Mozart and his musical gifts, while the name of Nannerl Mozart was gradually erased from the sands of time. She was a dutiful daughter and a sister in addition to being an accomplished musician but her gender and the social mores of her time bound her talent and kept them captive to the demands of domesticity. While I empathized with her and her limitations, i also thought that she lacked a certain spirit and will which are essential for people, especially women to survive in a society dominated by men. The book is written through the character of Nannerl and does a fairly good job of giving you an understanding of her circumstances. One can feel her pain as she sees opportunities snatched from her and handed over to her brother. She is tormented by her desire for fame and opportunity along with a sense of jealousy for her brother. She battles with these emotions till much later into her life and the book does justice to her sentiments.

But what really caught my mind was the simple, one lined, question on the dust jacket - "Is the recognition she longs for the truest measure of her gifts ?"

It is a question that comes up every now and then. We are all social creatures and the opinions of the society do have a grip on us. I have often attempted to wrest myself free of this "need/desire" for appreciation and approval and after many years, i find myself much better off. But, i still do value the opinions of a few dear to me.

Why do we crave for this sense of appreciation realizing fully well that it does not in any way, shape or form truly reflect our ability or potential ? A society's perception of good and bad is determined by many factors and they are based on components other than the objective truth. Yet we crave for approval. For fame. For appreciation. For recognition.

Why ?
I guess, I want to be sure of my evaluation of myself and my work and perhaps i also want to be more objective of what I do and think ! I often worry that I am perhaps more human than I realize and give myself a lot more leeway than is rightfully deserved. At such points I like to hear the honest opinion of a trusted few to know that I have indeed done the right thing in the right way.

Being able to be immune to the words of others is a quality that serves as a double edged sword. On the one hand, it leads me to imagine characters such as Howard Roark who work for the sheer joy it brings and not for the appreciation or the rewards that it may entail. These are people who are extremely egoistic (in the truest sense of the word) and are beyond caring for the opinions of other people. On the other extreme are also the self centered people who are unable to think beyond themselves and their needs. They work to further their interests without any concern for anyone else but their concerns are usually dependent on the existence of others... the prestige, the honor, the pleasure - all in the eyes of the others ! These are a class of selfish parasites who have been ably dealt with by Ayn Rand in her books. But in between these two extremes, lies perhaps, the majority of mankind !! We are all not egositic enough to be beyond the need for the approval and praise of the society... But then, neither are we willing to live a life of complete selfishness.

We still crave for approval and appreciation even as we try and pursue our dreams.
But, is it worth it ?
"Is the recognition we long for the truest measure of our gifts ?"

Ignorance is Bliss ?

"Yet ah ! why should they know their fate,
Since sorrow never comes too late,
And happiness too swiftly flies ?
Thought would destroy their paradise,
No more; where ignorance is bliss,
'Tis folly to be wise. "

- A Poem by Thomas Gray.

"Was ignorance bliss ? Was it folly to be wise ? Although sometimes I longed for God to tell me what was in store, I knew it best that He kept it from me. There was enough pain in the present. Why borrow it from the future ?"

An excerpt from "Mozart's sister", a novel by Nancy Moser which is currently keeping me engrossed.

Kahlil Gibran and his works have fascinated me for a couple of years now but I have never managed to read a book of his from beginning to end. Every now and then I revisit his work (this time the reason was a post I read) and glean a few gems... a few words that stay with me, a few thoughts that I echo and a few images that I cannot forget...

Here are a few from my visit this time....

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Said a blade of grass to an autumn leaf, "You make such a noise falling! You scatter all my winter dreams."
Said the leaf indignant, "Low-born and low-dwelling! Songless, peevish thing! You live not in the upper air and you cannot tell the sound of singing."
Then the autumn leaf lay down upon the earth and slept. And when spring came she waked again -- and she was a blade of grass.
And when it was autumn and her winter sleep was upon her, and above her through all the air the leaves were falling, she muttered to herself, "O these autumn leaves! They make such a noise! They scatter all my winter dreams."

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"Your thought is a tree rooted deep in the soil of tradition and whose branches grow in the power of continuity. My thought is a cloud moving in the space. It turns into drops which, as they fall, form a brook that sings its way into the sea. Then it rises as vapour into the sky. Your thought is a fortress that neither gale nor the lightning can shake. My thought is a tender leaf that sways in every direction and finds pleasure in its swaying. Your thought is an ancient dogma that cannot change you nor can you change it. My thought is new, and it tests me and I test it morn and eve.

You have your thought and I have mine.

Your thought allows you to believe in the unequal contest of the strong against the weak, and in the tricking of the simple by the subtle ones. My thought creates in me the desire to till the earth with my hoe, and harvest the crops with my sickle, and build my home with stones and mortar, and weave my raiment with woollen and linen threads. Your thought urges you to marry wealth and notability. Mine commends self-reliance. Your thought advocates fame and show. Mine counsels me and implores me to cast aside notoriety and treat it like a grain of sand cast upon the shore of eternity. Your thought instils in your heart arrogance and superiority. Mine plants within me love for peace and the desire for independence. Your thought begets dreams of palaces with furniture of sandalwood studded with jewels, and beds made of twisted silk threads. My thought speaks softly in my ears, “Be clean in body and spirit even if you have nowhere to lay your head.” Your thought makes you aspire to titles and offices. Mine exhorts me to humble service.

You have your thought and I have mine."

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"Everything in life is good; even gold, for it teaches a lesson. Money is like a stringed instrument; he who does not know how to use it properly will hear only discordant music. Money is like love; it kills slowly and painfully the one who withholds it, and it enlivens the other who turns it upon his fellow man."

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Song of the flower ...

I am a kind word uttered and repeated
By the voice of Nature;
I am a star fallen from the
Blue tent upon the green carpet.
I am the daughter of the elements
With whom Winter conceived;
To whom Spring gave birth; I was
Reared in the lap of Summer and I
Slept in the bed of Autumn.

At dawn I unite with the breeze
To announce the coming of light;
At eventide I join the birds
In bidding the light farewell.

The plains are decorated with
My beautiful colors, and the air
Is scented with my fragrance.

As I embrace Slumber the eyes of
Night watch over me, and as I
Awaken I stare at the sun, which is
The only eye of the day.

I drink dew for wine, and hearken to
The voices of the birds, and dance
To the rhythmic swaying of the grass.

I am the lover's gift; I am the wedding wreath;
I am the memory of a moment of happiness;
I am the last gift of the living to the dead;
I am a part of joy and a part of sorrow.

But I look up high to see only the light,
And never look down to see my shadow.
This is wisdom which man must learn.

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When my sorrow was born...

When my sorrow was born I nursed it with care, and watched over it with loving tenderness.
And my Sorrow grew like all living things, strong and beautiful and full of wondrous delights.
And we loved one another, my Sorrow and I, and we loved the world about us; for Sorrow had a kindly heart and mine was kindly with Sorrow.
Amd when we conversed, my Sorrow and I, our days were winged and our nights were girdled with dreams; for Sorrow had an eloquent tongue, and mine was eloquent with Sorrow.
And when we sang together, my Sorrow and I, our neghbors sat at their windows and listenend; for our songs were deep as the sea and our melodies were full of strange memories.
And when we walked together, my Sorrow and I, people gazed at us with gentle eyes and whispered in words of exceeding sweetness. And there were those who looked with envy upon us, for Sorrow was a noble thing and I was proud with Sorrow.
But my Sorrow died, like all living things, and alone I am left to muse and ponder.
And now when I speak my words fall heavily upon my ears.
And when I sing my songs my neighbours come not to listen.
And when I walk the streets no one looks at me.
Only in my sleep I hear voices saying in pity, "See, there lies the man whose Sorrow is dead."

And when my joy was born...

And when my joy was born I held it in my arms and stood on the house-top shouting, "Come ye, my neighbours, come and see, for Joy this day is born unto me. Come and behold this gladsome thing that laugheth in the sun."
But none of my neighbours came to look upon my Joy, and great was my astonishment.
And every day for seven moons I proclaimed my Joy from the house-top -- and yet no one heeded me. And my Joy and I were alone, unsought and unvisited.
Then my Joy grew pale and weary because no other heart but mine held its loveliness and no other lips kissed its lips.
Then my Joy died of isolation.
And now I only remember my dead Joy in remembering my dead Sorrow. But memory is an autumn leaf that murmurs in the wind and then is heard no more.

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On Friendship

Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.


When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.


And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

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Till my next visit... :)

Its been a year... !!!!

I go back in time on the blogroll and I see that it has been a year since I started this blog *

A year !!

It has been a long time indeed but to me it seems like a haze. The last year seems to have hurried past me while i was running past one deadline to another and now when I pause and look back, a lot has happened in the past 365 days...

- A blog, which was a new beginning in my life from what it was! I decided to start writing this blog as a chronicle of my life to enable me revisit my experiences despite my failing memory. Over a period of the last one year, this piece of me has been instrumental in leading me closer to old friends and new. It has made me realize more things about me and my people. It has been my silent friend, confidante and champion. It has been my voice and my sounding board. Through this blog, i have opened myself to vistas I never deemed possible. It has been a rewarding experience in more ways than one ! I have discovered a joy in writing, although, I occasionally do question the wisdom of leaving my thoughts open to public scrutiny. But then, I have also enjoyed hearing from my friends and strangers on the blogosphere.

- A degree. The culmination of five years of hard work has finally given me a doctorate in philosphy... :) I should be thrilled and ecstatic but somehow i never let it register amidst the flurry of activity that marked the last year.

- A big move. A new city, a new job and a new country ! Thousands of miles away from what was my home for all my life so far, I now embark on a new journey. Amidst fears, uncertainties and strangers, i am finding my foothold and am building a new life - all on my own.

- A friendship restored, a bond regained !!! (nothing else need be said but that I re-found a friendship that almost seemed lost to me... and that has been another landmark event for the past year... ).

- A few friends gained and a few lost... as is always the case.

- I discovered the sheer, indescribable joy that surprises can bring...

- I saw old friendships maturing with time... from little girls giggling about the silly things in life, we were young women talking about our lives and our futures. It was a sight to behold.

- I saw my first research paper getting published - a validation of my scientific competence and aptitude. It gave me a feeling of being a part of the community of scientists. It gave me a feeling of having been through an essential rite of passage.

- I started acquiring the ability to ask for help. I had been a rigid believer in doing your job, yourself and your way without bothering anyone else with your troubles. But then the last year has pushed me to limits that i have had to seek out help and it has been a good experience. To know that you have people you can depend on, on your worst days is a very uplifting thought and i have truly come to accept this thought over the past one year only.

The past year has been a bit of a roller coaster ride that has had me sitting at the edge of my seat for more reasons than one. It has left me exhilarated and exhausted at the same time. :)
I now hope to take a breather as I pause and let life walk with me. I intend to take things easier this year as i explore newer dimensions of my life....

Cheers to the noble thought :) !!


*as a regular blogger

Unity in differences...

We are friends despite the seemingly big differences that alter our approaches and shift our perspectives dramatically.

While you believe, that problems, issues and thoughts should be framed in words, dissected, analyzed and resolved, I shy away from words. I like having some of my thoughts freed from the bondage of words. Irrational as it may sound, to me molding my thoughts into words makes them real. I can wish away my fears as long as they are in my head but the moment they enter the shared space of our thoughts and minds, I feel like my fears have become real.

To me some things are best left unsaid.
To me silences can speak more than the words and relationships can hear the sounds of silence.

To you, knowledge of your loved one is instrumental while to me it is almost immaterial.

While you believe in molding a relationship, I believe in letting it have a life of its own.

Trust and hope come easily to you while my pragmatism struggles with my hopes everyday.

While you believe in changing people, I believe that people can never change that attempting to change them is criminal in some ways.

While you believe that our relationships, give us rights over each other, I believe that we are all free spirits with no one having any authority on us and we having no power over anyone else.

While you believe that mutual consonance strengthens a relationship and disagreements can cause rifts; I believe that disagreements like friction are good in modest amounts. Like friction, disagreements infuse warmth and trust into a relationship. They can also shed new light that offers a new perspective !

While you seek for resonance, I am happy with knowing that you will be beside me no matter what, showing me the right path and leading me along.

While you strive for understanding, of yourself and others, I look for acceptance and tolerance - just as we are.

Maybe some day, we will find the right words or someday, we will not need any words... but till then,
we are in many ways like the two faces of a coin - very different and yet bound together by unity. In some ways, we complete each other while in some others we don't understand each other.

Different approaches and different perspectives but all to the same end... because we are, after all, friends who care.

Growing my wings...

I see shared laughters', warm embraces and stolen glances. I see hands holding onto each other as their disparate lives slip into a warm embrace. I see their lives melting into each other as they talk oblivious of the world around. I see forms merging into each other as if made for each other. I see chemistry crackling between two people, like that's all they were meant to do. I see laughter and affection. I see shared thoughts, dreams and expressions.

And then...

I see life taking control, as the distances grow...and words supplant the glances even as the hands struggle to hold onto each other. I see the warm embraces disappear into the haze of everyday existence. I see people drift apart.

I see two people coming together for brief instances only to drift apart... And yet, they manage to let themselves go. They let themselves get carried away by the ebb of life, and by love, holding onto nothing but each other.

And here I stand wondering, how do they do it ? How do they let go of themselves so completely - each time and every time! Some may think it is weakness to be so frivolous with emotions but to me it seems like a lot of strength. It is easy to live in a cocoon protecting oneself, but it is difficult to break open the shell and to let one self be vulnerable to a stranger.

I wonder how they do it and then i think that perhaps the caterpillar can only break the cocoon when ready to fly... !!! Till then, he just has to bide his time and grow his wings.... :)

Waiting for the calm...

Solitude has been a long time friend of mine. For a long time now, I have been comfortable being alone. I have acclimatised well and have learnt to cherish the sound of silence. I have learnt to talk to my deeper self and I have accepted that it is better to be alone than with bad company (bad of course refers purely with respect to my taste in people and not in any absolute sense). I have indulged my creative spirits and have found new ways to challenge my mind. I have found ample company in my books and my thoughts. So much so, that over the years, solitude has become a necessity for me. I like my long walks and i have liked my silent conversations with myself. I was also lucky to find a set of friends who understood this need of mine and let me have my space. I like my moments of quiet and silence. Unlike others, i have come to need my space. Strangely, I find that this empty space completes me.

But now, despite my friendship with solitude, I encounter loneliness. Like a raging storm wave that catches the shore unawares, loneliness often manages to catch me unguarded. There are times when I ache to hear my people, to hear them talk and laugh, to listen to their stories and to laugh with them. I wish to talk to them about the daily mundane if only to crib and rant... But then even as these waves break on me, I stand still like the sea shore and wait for the waves to recede. I wait for the tide to pass and I wait for the winds to break. And then as the sun comes back again, I can feel the warmth of the world. But then, with every storm, I find myself a little different each time. A part of me is lost each time even as i find newer aspects of my being...

A little less and a little more - only to find myself anew...

A dream to chase...

"If you had all the money you wanted, what would you like to do ?"

This was a question I was recently asked and since I had a list which I had fantasized about for several years now, I could answer pretty spontaneously. But the question did get me started on formalizing the list. I decided to prioritize my dreams/wishes so that destiny (if it exists) and I are both not confused about what I want...

Well, it is a pretty fancy situation to be in... imagine all the time and money in the world !!! So, I decided to build a dream life for myself... A happy place I can go back to every time life gets too "real" to handle... !!! Friends and family are definitely a part of my dream but to start with, I just decided to dream about a future for me !!

A dream - with a quiet home by the sea, such that I can go for long walks on the beach with my friends, family and my dog (I've always wanted a big, hairy dog... :)). Call it fulfilling a childhood dream or a wish from adulthood, but having a dog around me, was always high on my priorities... :)

I guess after a quiet morning with my cup of coffee, my dog and my newspaper, I would want to spend some time writing. Writing about what and why, are questions I haven't yet imagined answers to, but I sure hope to find the answers soon !!

There are some things I've wanted to learn for a very long time - painting being one of them. The existence of a keen interest and some rudimentary skill (glimpses of which are seen occasionally) make me want to explore my creative instincts through colors, lines and forms. Reality doesn't attract me and when I think of painting, I only think of thoughts wrapped in lines, shapes, colors and forms. And so with all the time and money at my disposal, I wish to explore my creative instincts....

Another skill that I've always wanted to acquire is to play a musical instrument, preferably a violin. From the deep, soul-wringing melancholy to the pure ecstasy of being, the violin has always made me feel alive !! I find in its music an experience that transcends the ordinary and takes one closer to experiencing pure, unadulterated bliss !!

Books !!! They have been a very important part of my life and will perhaps always be !! They have been a life long passion and a never ending quest for me.... the more I read, the more I find i want to read. My idea of a happy life always included a library at home and having the complete freedom to dream, only takes me closer to that desire !!

Travel and photography... while they seem the most popular choices on everyone's wish list, i "really, really" want to travel... leisurely, slowly, with all the awareness that i can possibly muster. I want to explore the world, its people, culture and its history... I do not refer to only the tourist destinations but to the cities, the people and the stories in them - of castles and manors, of kings and queens, of battles and deaths, of people and their lives... I wish to travel the world to see it by my own eyes and to feel its pulse in my heart... !! My love for photography compels me to hope and to capture these moments - of the world and of my experiences in it, for posterity. Through my lenses, I wish to freeze these moments of my life into tiny magical potions that I could revisit at a moments notice.

And finally If I were to summarize my wish list in one word - it would be "verve"... a life of spirit and enthusiasm.... I hope I chase my dreams with all the vitality that i can muster despite the everyday grind...

I hope to have a life - well fought and well lived... !!!

Fingers crossed !!! ;)

Makes me wonder about your dreams to chase ?

Things I wish I remember...

These are some thoughts friends have left me with and these are things are intend to remember....
I wish I remember these notes all the time, every time...

"You are fully capable of pushing yourself and your limits.. i know you want to do the maximum that can be in 24 hours.. that you want no time wasted.. you want to run fast and get somewhere.. even if you don't know where that somewhere is.. you don't want to stagnate.. that you want to keep moving.. after all the rolling stones gathers no moss..

but while doing all that.. don't forget to look around.. don't forget that as you are trying to achieve something, life may just pass you by.. so do try to stop take a breather and celebrate how far you have got.. not to make you complacent.. but to give you the impetus to move further.. to accelerate the enthusiasm.. to see how many people are happy for you.. the people who are with you.. will not only encourage/appreciate you.. but also ground you..

don't forget that today your body is agile.. and will survive whatever you do to it! but in your tomorrow.. anything you do today, will reflect.. take care of it.. respect it.. you just need to listen to it.. and you are fine.. you are learning to appreciate your judgment and gut instincts.. :) go with it.. and you will be fine..

take care of yourself..
no matter what you do or achieve.. its YOU that your people will love, not your achievements..
though of course there wont be anyone happier/prouder of what you achieve..
do be a go-getter.. but exercise a little caution.. for the sake of the ones who love you.."

"Life is not always unfair. Things can never go that bad. Don't be scared thinking that things will always go bad. Even by the law of averages, things will change for the better... "

"I Believe I Can Fly"

I used to think that I could not go on

And life was nothing but an awful song
But now I know the meaning of true love
I'm leaning on the everlasting arms

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me, oh

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

Hey, cause I believe in me, oh

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

Hey, if I just spread my wings
I can fly
I can fly
I can fly, hey
If I just spread my wings
I can fly
Fly-eye-eye

---

R Kelly

I have always loved the idea of flight. In my mind, flight has always been associated with freedom - freedom from bondages, fears, inhibitions and pain, of exploring life uninhibited, the idea of being one with the wind, having it whisper into your ears and reaching heights never seen before, has always held a grip on me....

But then, in the humdrum of everyday life, i often forget this dream of mine... It gets buried under a patina of monotony, duty and routine and like the tarnish on bronze, the winds of time and change end up feeding on my dream. But then, this song breathes life into my dream. It reminds me of flight and the very idea of it has the ability to make me happy and serene. This is a song that takes me closer to my dream and my vision...

In moments of despair, in moments of joy, in moments of solitude and in moments of loneliness... This song has the uncanny ability to calm me down and make me want to fly.

It never fails to reconnect me to my dream.
It never fails to make me want to fly... it makes me want to give another try... !!!

Its a song I love and it makes my day in the darkest hours...

A childhood lesson...

A brief glimpse down the memory lane made me recall this one sentence which was a constant companion through my school days. Hours were spent in the evenings, trying to write this sentence multiple times in cursive hand -

"A quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog".

I was always amazed by the fact that this simple sentence contains all the alphabets in the english language (which of course made it a pangram) !

I used to occasionally wonder how many of these are around...

And then a simple google search on a lazy monday morning yielded a huge list of pangrams.... none of these however seemed as elegant as this one simple sentence...

Here is a partial list that i came across.... Wonder if you have any ?

• Nymphs blitz quick vex dwarf jog. (27 letters)
• Big fjords vex quick waltz nymph. (27 letters)
• Bawds jog, flick quartz, vex nymph. (27 letters)
• Bawds jog, flick quartz, vex nymphs. (28 letters)
• Waltz, bad nymph, for quick jigs vex! (28 letters)
• Fox nymphs grab quick-jived waltz. (28 letters)
• Glib jocks quiz nymph to vex dwarf. (28 letters)
• Bright vixens jump; dozy fowl quack. (29 letters)
• Vexed nymphs go for quick waltz job. (29 letters)
• Jack fox bids ivy-strewn phlegm quiz (30 letters)
• How quickly daft jumping zebras vex. (30 letters)
• Two driven jocks help fax my big quiz. (30 letters)
• "Now fax quiz Jack!" my brave ghost pled. (30 letters)
• Vamp fox held quartz duck just by wing. (31 letters)
• Five quacking zephyrs jolt my wax bed. (31 letters
• The five boxing wizards jump quickly. (31 letters)
• Jackdaws love my big sphinx of quartz. (31 letters)
  
• Kvetching, flummoxed by job, W.zaps Iraq. (32 letters)
  
• My ex pub quiz crwd gave joyful thanks. (32 letters)
• Few quips galvanized the mock jury box. (32 letters)
• The jay, pig, fox, zebra, and my wolves quack! (33 letters)
• Quizzical twins proved my hijack-bug fix. (34 letters)
• The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. (35 letters) (Used to test typewriters and computer keyboards, and as sample text; famous for its coherency, dating back to 1888)
• Wolf zombies spot the jinxed grave. (36 letters)
• Heavy boxes perform quick waltzes and jigs. (36 letters)
• A quick chop jolted my big sexy frozen wives. (36 letters)
• A wizard’s job is to vex chumps quickly in fog. (36 letters)
• Sympathizing would fix Quaker objectives. (36 letters)
  
• Pack my red box with five dozen quality jugs. (36 letters)
• Fake bugs put in wax jonquils drive him crazy. (37 letters)
• Woven silk pyjamas exchanged for blue quartz. (38 letters)
  
• Brawny gods just flocked up to quiz and vex him. (38 letters)
• My faxed joke won a pager in the cable TV quiz show. (39 letters)
• The quick onyx goblin jumps over the lazy dwarf. (39 letters)
  

Happily forgetful and forgetfully happy !!!

Memory - our ability to remember.
Who would not want more of it ? We all yearn to remember a little more - that one extra book, one more dialogue, another new name or that old wicked answer !! Intelligence is often understood to be linked with a sharp memory. Almost all of us would like to have a fabulous memory - to be able to recall every tiny detail, as we try and pack our brains with as many facts, figures and details as we possibly can. In our attempts to remember everything, we lose track of the fact that forgetting is no less important.

In fact, as someone rightly said - "What makes us human is not our ability to remember. It is our ability to forget."

Imagine remembering every tiny detail about every single day for years on end. An excess of memory and we would find our mind cluttered with the minutiae of everyday existence - the shape of the cup, the crack on the side, the level of the tea, the temperature outside, the day, date and time, the brand of tea, the texture of the scones, the colors, the smells, the feelings and the emotions - All this with one cup of tea. Imagine this on a daily basis. for every activity of the day and you can imagine the nightmare that it will be. It would become impossible to glean relevant information in a timely manner from these heaps of facts. It would be like fishing for a needle in haystack all the time.

Now, imagine surviving the horrors of the world with such tireless memory. Our adverse experiences haunting us forever with the same intensity as that of the initial experience. One's entire life would just become a ceaseless trauma. The past would haunt us forever simply because we remember it far too well, to let go.

And this is why forgetting is more important than remembering. The ability of our brain to weed out unnecessary information as it builds connections in the brain is what makes us human. It is indeed this so called "handicap" of ours, this inability to remember that becomes our true strength.
And thus, every time I feel like kicking myself for not recalling that book, that line or that story, and when i catch myself wishing for more hard disk in my head, i show myself the possible consequences of having a great memory.... :)

And then I am back to my happier forgetful self again... :)

A tiny list that keeps me going... :)

Sitting by the window ledge sipping chocolate all snuggled in a blanket...Walking on the beach with the waves lapping at my feet... traveling the world to capture its glory through my lenses....translating the visions of my mind on to a blank paper.... Sitting by a brook listening to its heart beat.... walking on a long country road, smelling the grass... listening to the rain drops... walking on the dew drops... gazing at the night sky... sitting on an open lawn as the sun sleeps and the moon stays on guard with you by my side... hearing the silences that dwell in the heart of the mountain peaks... listening to the sounds of the jungle... making wood sing... reading by the lamp light in a place of my own... feeling the wetness on the nose of my favorite canine waking me up on a lazy morning... snuggling up in my blanket without a care in the world... playing with colors... walking like the roads never end... flying with the wind in my hair... gliding like a bird... swimming like the fish exploring the depths unseen...

A tiny list that keeps me going... :)

The inheritance of time...

Of the many things that we inherit, I am most amazed by our ability to view the past and the future while still trudging through the present.

We get a glimpse of our future in the life of our parents.
It is amazing how, as we grow, we tend to become more and more like them. While the nature vs nurture debate is still on going, the fact of the matter is, that we inherit both of these from them in more ways than one. Appearances, mannerisms, attitudes, aptitudes, priorities are all inherited from them in some measure, modified by the ways of the world and then passed on further. And thus, as part of our true inheritance we can potentially visualize our future in the lives of our parents. Few rarely realize or appreciate this gift of foresight. Foresight, about the consequences of our actions and their impact on us and the world. If only we would learn the right lessons and remember them long enough, we could carve out a very different future for ourselves. The tragedy of life however is that in avoiding some mistakes, we end up making others but then at least one knows that "they tried" to make a difference.

We also get a chance to re-live our childhoods with a greater awareness of it through our children. It gives us the ability to peep into a past, to sit down and revisit our childhood for its simple pleasures, amidst the flurry of daily activity. Our children are an essence of us that we leave behind in the world. They give us an opportunity to make the changes that we desired. They give us an opportunity to revisit some experiences with greater clarity and experience. They provide us with an opportunity to rectify the errors of the past and to lay a better foundation for the future.

Thus, our true inheritance lies in our being able to view a glimpse of our future in our present and to revisit our past. I wish I am able to learn the right lessons and remember them too....

I wish...

I want to share the calm of a sun set with you...
I want to feel the chillness of the winds with the warmth of your hand...
I want to breathe the peace of a sunrise with you...
I want to feel the glistening early morning dew on my feet with you....
I want to walk in the rains holding onto you...
I want to gaze at the night sky with you by my side...
I want to leave my footprints in the sand with you to hold my hand...
I want to tell you the reason for my every tear and my every smile...
I want to have you by my side when I sleep only to find you there when i wake up...
I want to run to you like a child with careless abandon...
I want to listen to you for hours on end...
I want to tell you all I can...
I want to find myself through you even as I lose myself...
I want to grow old with you...
I want to dance with you to the tune of ecstasy, every day of my life...
I want to see the world through your eyes even as I expand my vision...
I want to walk with you for as long as I can, through the deepest, darkest woods...
I want to learn like a child all over again, only with you...
I want to share my silences with you even as the words tumble out by the dozen...
I want to live my life with you in it, all along the way...

I wish i find you...

Like I find myself...

Living in the shadows...

Ever so often life becomes so good that nothing after that compares well to it and it leaves you feeling incomplete and miserable....
What do you do when things are good and life is filled with laughter and happiness ?

A part of me cries out in caution against letting myself go with the tide. Telling me over and over that this is just momentary and that by letting myself experience the joy, i am only increasing my sorrows in the future. It holds me back from just letting go of myself and being happy. The worry of being dependent on the source of happiness in the future and the pain in not having it close, force me, to maintain a distance from every happiness that comes across my way. Fear of not having the same in the future push me away from it in the present too... I live my life in the shadow of the past and the future.

However, even as my fears of the future cast a shadow on my present, another part of me, tells me to just let go my inhibitions and enjoy !!! To enjoy the present, the company, the moment... with careless abandon simply because it may not be there tomorrow.

How do I reconcile these two opinions ? How do I let go of the fear of pain in the future ? Isn't it akin to not learning from your mistakes in the past... ? How can one move away from the past and the future only to truly live in the present ? Is that even possible ?

Every moment in my mind, all I hear is "This too shall pass"...
How then do you live carefree ?

Adrift...

Farewells have always been difficult for me.
Unshed tears and unspoken words.
Words that always seem to fall short. Eyes that say it all. Embraces that you never want to end. Moments that keep running past the more you try and hold onto. Words that threaten to unleash the tears that you try lock away.

Farewells have always been difficult.

I thought it was difficult to be left behind but never did I realize how difficult it can be to actually move away, till I actually had to.

To move away from all that was known and certain. From all that was yours. From the anchors that held you in place to being adrift in a sea of change. To a place that feels alien. To people who seem distant. Trying to build a home so far away from home.

So much change and so much excitement that it actually leaves you yearning for some stability and some boredom !! Familiarity seems to give more comfort to the heart than the joy of new adventures. Such are the times as I look for an anchor to hold me in place in a world that seems to be moving too fast for me.

Fickle is the mind indeed as it craves for that which it does not have.

Gone with the wind...

In our lives, some times are more defining and more influential than the others. They change the course of our lives, the fabric of our being.
The last couple of months have been one such period for me.
They have just breezed past me and i was so busy that I could barely sit down and look at them. It felt like a giant roller-coster ride that has left me screaming my insides out due to fear, excitement, exhilaration and sadness.

They were filled with frantic activity that left behind frayed nerves. There was too much to be done and to be taken care of... so much so, that i didn't grant myself the time to just sit down and think, to assimilate, to register, to enjoy and to grieve. The days flew past in a haze and they left me wanting. Wanting for some quiet, some peace and some space.

I loved the rush and the excitement but I also missed the bigger picture. I missed being able to move one step at a time. To be able to grieve when the heart wanted to. To be able to rejoice when there was reason to. I missed not having opened my heart to have let those emotions out, simply because there was too much to do. I now wish to have been able to pause the roller coaster in motion just to get a snapshot in time for every moment in the past two months.

I've missed myself for so many days. The little girl in me who used to love staring at the stars had not gazed at the night sky for nearly two months because she was always too tired to keep her eyes open. The footloose nomad in me had not wandered off in a while because there were too many places to be at. The thinker in me had not thought for a while simply because there was too much to do.

The last few days have been filled with so many of these unfelt feelings, unshed tears, unspoken words and unspoken fears. The flurry of everyday activity had actually numbed my mind into unquestioning acceptance. And now when I sit down to think, the pain is too much to bear. The tears are too many to control and the words are too many to say.

The last few days have indeed gone with the wind as they brought me closer to Scarlett O Hara when she said - "Oh, I can't think about this now! I'll go crazy if I do! I'll think about it tomorrow."

But then now i also know that sometimes the pain doesn't diminish with time. All you manage to do is to push it under the rug till it resurfaces every now and then.

Some emotions are best dealt without procrastination.

Patterns in randomness...

In a life that is fast rushing past us, we are forever trying to make sense. Trying to understand all that happens and all that does not happen. We are looking for causes, explanations, reasons and justifications. We are frantically searching. Searching, for a pattern, a cause or an explanation. Something to comfort us, something to give us hope. Hope for the future. Solace for the past. We are dazed by the world and we try to understand it by finding patterns - repetitive events which might help us know the future.

Like the constellations scattered in the sky, we imagine patterns in our everyday life. We assume causality and order on more occasions than one as we try to explain the world. We forget that the constellations in the sky are only products of random chance and not really organized structures and patterns. We forget that we are bound to find some order or pattern even though the world is driven by randomness. Our mind tricks us by locating these patterns in pure chaos. We then hold on to that pattern and build our lives on it. We forget that the pattern was nothing but our imagination. Our error lies not in perceiving the pattern but in ascribing more meaning to it than should be.

Most people believe in a grander scheme of events to unfold, giving purpose to their life, as they seek order in disorder. Some realize the force of randomness in their lives but do nothing as they hope that their understanding is indeed accurate. Some realize the truth and strive to over come the tricks that the mind plays.

As for me, from a child who believed in destiny to a hopeful skeptic now, I've been through the phases. And as i move ahead, I strive harder and harder to accept the role of randomness in shaping our lives.

A time to pause..

I think the things I own and love
Acquire a sense of me,
That gives them value far above
The worth that others see.
My chattels are of me a part:
This chair on which I sit
Would break its overstuffed old heart
If I made junk of it.

To humble needs with which I live,
My books, my desk, my bed,
A personality I give
They'll lose when I am dead.
Sometimes on entering my room
They look at me with fear,
As if they had a sense of doom
Inevitably near.

Yet haply, since they do not die,
In them will linger on
Some of the spirit that was I,
When I am gone.
And maybe some sweet soul will sigh,
And stroke with tender touch
The things I loved, and even cry
A little,--not too much.

Robert Service

Surprise...

It was a lazy morning,
that had me yawning...
I was on a bus ride from home,
that had me sitting like a lost gnome.

And then there was a harmless conversation,
that led to the inception of a plan beyond my wildest imagination.
It was a great conspiracy,
And so I found a partner to work with great secrecy.

The plan was made,
and the plot was laid...
Off we went on our tiny escapade,
from the everyday mundane, to form the surprise action brigade...

With a lot of excitement, and plans galore,
Off we went on the streets of Bangalore.
Armed with balloons and streamers,
we were two dreamers.
On the list, were also tiaras and wands,
To take two pretty angels to faraway fairy lands.
Next on the list was a chocolate cake,
which we couldn't wait to partake.

And then, at the appointed hour,
phone calls were made to the gang of four.
Lo and behold, there was a pop to surprise,
This was a party in disguise.

There was laughter and smiles with truck loads of fun...
All under the afternoon sun.
Candles were blown and cakes were cut,
It was a fabulous way to get out of the rut.

And then there followed a wild road chase
Through the city, we had a clock to race.
We landed in time, all jubilant and resplendent,
It was after all a dinner with a Rogue elephant...

It was night to remember,
with memories to cherish forever..
beautiful moments captured,
that left us all enraptured....

Oh what a day it was... :)



PS - It was a wonderful day. A day good enough to compel me into undergoing some public humiliation like this with such juvenile attempts at rhyming words... :-)

A memory trace and a bloodline...

She sat there in front of me, frail and tired after a day of ceaseless travel through a city that is bursting at its seams. She has traveled from the north to the south, and across, all over this city. She came back home, saw me and her face burst out into a gentle smile that did not disappear for a very long time.... A smile that came despite the weariness...

She was my surrogate grandmother.
I haven't seen my paternal grandmother since she died early - early enough, that she did get to see her eldest son (my dad) growing up from the young lad that he was then. This was my grandmother's sister. We've met them all through our travels in the summer vacations during school days... but these were all fleeting meetings which did not do much to leave a strong neural imprint in my mind.

But then this was a different meeting. I met them after sooo long and I felt their hand rise up to bless, and it was beautiful.... It seemed like the most natural thing in the world to have their hand on my head !! As she beamed on seeing me, I knew that some bonds just cannot be broken despite distances.

The ties of the bloodline are strong. They leave their seed and no matter how ill cared it may be, it grows into a tree. It has a resilience which is mind-numbing. There is a love which comes because of that knowledge of shared lineage.

It was a beautiful moment. A moment that made me want my grandparents to be there!
A moment that made all inconvenience disappear for me and for her.

She was hard on hearing as age was fast catching up with her, but her eyes were still burning bright. She still spoke nineteen to a dozen trying to convince me to not sleep on the floor and offering to sleep on the couch instead. She tried her best to convince me about getting married. She had ceaseless questions.

She was my surrogate grandmother.

She made me miss my grandmother. I missed having one to tell me stories, to narrate anecdotes, to play with me and to sleep on. To oil my hair and to cook all the wonderful things that grandmothers do...

I am not sure how it will be having a grandmother around full time (with the incessant marriage advice and the correcting) but i sure know that, for that one day, I wanted one too. She made me want to leave my head under her palm and to not let go. Frail, though she was, I felt protected by her. It was amazing and it is nothing but the wondrous ways of nature.

I sit her typing these words hours after they happened only to try and freeze the essence of that meeting into words, so that years from now, I can still pull on that same string and retrieve the same memory trace, not like a pensieve but hopefully not too far from it too.

Disconnect...

In a world that is fast shrinking, people are becoming farther and farther away. It is a conundrum that I fail to understand.

The World has become one in more ways than one. The diversity in culture, language, attires, festivals, food, music and literature is all coming to an end. We are building uniformity in every sense. Uniformity in abilities, in culture, in knowledge, in thought processes, in social structures, in amenities, in income groups and in living conditions. Happenings across the world are at our finger tips with the advent of technology. These are developments with their own brighter and darker sides... each one too complex to delineate from the others.

But despite so much connectivity and homogeneity, each man is an island today connected to the others through nothing but the World wide web. He is a rootless being as he is capable of going to any part of the world and feeling at home. Or perhaps, he never finds his true home! His life is nomadic, adrift with the tides of time and development.

He spends his days hooked onto the internet and his gadgetry updating his status and whereabouts ever so often... People like me end up writing about their thoughts and ideas on a public platform than just talking... :-)

This is something I fail to grasp. Despite the increasing connectivity on the internet, there is a sense of growing disconnect between people.

People are happy chatting over the internet and the phone than in person. It seems easy to laze around watching TV than to go for a social activity. Social gatherings have become a thing to endure than really a celebration that they once were. People are unable to sit with company without fidgeting with their PDA to update their status message or their blog. Be it a simple dinner, a pleasant sight or a wedding, we waste no time in sharing it with others. There is a need to connect with people but there is also a fear to really connect.

And what happens is that eventually, we end up connecting anonymously over the World Wide Web.

Why ?

Why are we letting this happen ? Why are our social structures disintegrating ? Is it the rapid pace of development which is pulling apart people and generations faster than they can come together. Why is there this constant need to stay in touch but still a little aloof, a little away ? Is our fear over powering our social nature ? What are we trying to achieve this way ?

Beats me...

The unshed tears...

A sorrow melts into a tear drop and flows out of the heart into the universe...
But what happens to those unsaid sorrows and the un-shed tears ?

Do they well up inside to finally flood through your defenses ?
Or Do they percolate through our being to soak up our joys too ?

Do they just disappear with out a trace like a dew drop in morning sun ? Or
Do they fester inside like the pus in a boil ?

Do they drown your joys like the little paper boat sailing in the first rains ? Or
Do they just keep your withered heart tender and moist against the sun burning down on it ?

Do they flood through your being and ravage it like a savage beast ? Or
Do they quietly and silently seep within you to never resurface again ?

Are they strong like the waves of the ocean to leave you adrift ?
Or are they like the ripples on the pond that gently sway your way ?

Are they like the waters of the pond that are rustled by the slightest winds ?
Or do they stay frozen in the core of your being untouched and unaffected by all ?

Do they sweep you off your feet like an angry tornado ? Or
Do they leave you stagnant like a muddly puddle ?

Do they flow in your system like the slow poison that kills you over the years ?
Or do they, burst forth and spew out like an angry volcano ?

What happens to those un-shed tears ?

From the lasts to the firsts.....

It is a time for change and I see it knocking on my door.
As I pack one life into boxes to be stowed away, I pack another future into boxes to be carried with me.

Books, clothes, papers, cards, pictures.... each has a story associated with it.
A story that was a part of my life.
A story that led to another and finally brought me to where I am.
Stories of people, of ideas, of tales, of questions, of answers, of dreams and of conversations....
Stories of friends and strangers, of laughter and pain, of excitement and of despair, of the smiles and the tears... they all made me who i am.
They brought me to this day.

Stories... that I cherish but I am worried that I will forget, in the daily grind of the future. Stories that I want to hold onto for the rest of my life. People and memories, that I want to hold onto for the rest of my life.

As I pass through these days, I try and cram these moments of everyday mundane into my mind because i know not if and when things will be like this again....

I prepare for the future as I run through the days.
Everything feels like the last - the last meal with friends and family, the last Diwali, the last Puja, the last visit to the markets with a camera, the last home cooked meal, the last walk on campus... there is a sense of end associated with every good thing that even happy moments end with a tinge of sorrow... Every tick on the checklist only brings me closer to a future that takes me away from a past I cherish.

People say the future holds great promise and that I will meet more friends and that things will fall in place...

Maybe I will. But they don't realize that somethings cant be replaced. That somethings are an integral part of you and that when taken away, they leave you incomplete.

Maybe I will fill this emptiness eventually... maybe some parts will grow back...

But, one thing is for sure that the last five years of my life have redefined me and have helped me discover myself. And in these five years, I have become a part of somethings bigger than me and a lot of things have become a part of me...

And as I walk away from a past, I take these parts as the building blocks of a new future.

And very soon perhaps, the lasts will be replaced by the firsts... and perhaps, I will find my joys there too...

Thank you...

Some one once said that all great things come in small packages. I knew it was true but I truly understood the saying over the last week as I found these tiny bundles of happiness and thoughts, left at my doorstep by a friend...

Tiny notes, post-its, tiny but thoughtful gifts, messages... they brightened up my day no matter what had happened before... !!! They were notes which told me someone cared... and that someone knew me for what I am...

This is a feeble attempt to express gratitude to the friends who've made my world a better place... who've been with me through thick and thin and who've made me believe in myself... Who've taught me to see the brighter side of things even when there is hardly any and who've made things better by just being there... :-)

Thank you by Dido...


" My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why
I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad

I drank too much last night, got bills to pay,
my head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today,
I'm late for work again
And even if I'm there, they'll all imply
that I might not last the day
And then you call me and it's not so bad,
it's not so bad and

I want to thank you
for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
is having the best day of my life

Push the door, I'm home at last
and I'm soaking through and through
Then you hand me a towel
and all I see is you
And even if my house falls down,
I wouldn't have a clue
Because you're near me and

I want to thank you
for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
is having the best day of my life "

Expressions...

This is an era of expression. People are encouraged to express everything they feel no matter how transient or how permanent the thought or emotion maybe...

I however find myself a bit lost in this world simply because I am not a believer in words and words alone. To me actions always speak louder than words and so it is difficult to elicit words out of me... People keep telling me the value of expression ever so often. The constant refrain of friends is that I don't express myself enough... and that all the many things I think or feel are often lost in the unsaid.

I have come to accept the charge without protest simply because no matter how hard i try, I am not able to fit all my feelings and thoughts satisfactorily into words... actions always seem to do the job better. Some people learn to understand that actions speak louder than words and get used to the wordlessness from me, but some forever fail to grasp me or my mind...

People say, how hard can it be to say - "I care" or "I love you" or "I am sorry" and I feel like telling, that it is very hard... !!! It is easier to just implement what you feel... to do something for the special few, to let them peer into your mind and be privy to your thoughts and emotions, to let them see the real you with all your weaknesses and to be able to do anything for them, to listen to them because they are the most important people and to not hurt them.

How do words convey all this better ?

To a lot of people, words are just a means of communication. They are evanescent carriers of thought.

But, I am scared of the power of words. In relationships, our emotions are wrapped around our words and they have the power to mould our lives... Their power must be used with great care... and with this power comes great fear. Fear of being wrong, fear of saying too much, too soon or too little, too late... fear of not saying the right words or of saying the right words at the wrong time, fear of saying things which you do not mean... these fears thus paralyze me and I choose the easier, wordless way.

I'd much rather be around and DO the right things than just say the right things... but this is very difficult for most to accept.

And as I type these words, I understand the need for words... We all like to be told that we are liked, loved and cared for. Even though it is implicit in some actions, we'd much rather be told the obvious than be left with the fear that we are guessing wrong. Such wordless understanding only results from complete confidence in the relationship and a deep understanding, both of which do not come easy.

But today, as i write these words, I hope to say to the people that I care about, that I really do care for them. And also that my wordlessness is a part of me that I aspire for in every relationship. It suggests complete acceptance and implicit understanding. It places faith in relationships more than in words.

However, on this platform... I have taken my first baby steps at expression. I try to shed my fears and inhibitions to embrace words and I have made my first attempts at leaving my mind open to scrutiny. It still doesn't open my mind for the world to see, but, those who matter, manage to view the world inside through the tiny cracks that exist...

And as I choose my words here, I hope to make a beginning...

A beginning to be able to use words more often to say to the people I care about that "I really do care"....

And If I have stayed quiet and never said this before, its not because I don't care but simply because I find words insufficient at times.

Turbulence...

You and I are very different people. But we were still friends... bound by differences, we've known each other for a long time. We've shared jokes and laughs, comments and criticisms, questions and answers. All through this time, I did all I could do without compromising my principles or my beliefs. You came to me for words, opinions, questions, answers and time. I gave them all, in the best of my abilities, simply because I cared and I knew no other way.

Today, after all these years, when you tell me that I am not right in being myself... I know not, who to question. You ? For not exercising your choice and walking away for so many years or me, for having trusted you for so many years... ?

Why is there a dissonance instead of the resonance that any relationship should share ? Burdened by turbulence, things were never easy, but this friendship had withstood it all... How did it, if the emotions were not genuine ? And how have we grown so different if there was a genuine connection ? Why is it so difficult to comprehend each other now ? Why are things seemingly so complicated ? How can a bond of succor end up causing so much pain... ?

Why are you not able to understand me for all my attempts at keeping things together, for attempting to keep the bond alive ? There were plenty of times, when all I could want was to throw all things aside and to move away from the past... But then I chose to stand there and wait... and to let things come back to normal. And they did restoring my faith. There was a resilience in the relationship which survived all the turbulence...

But, today, you force me to question the resilience and nature of it ? Why did we fall into the same rhythm each time, over and over - Of you pointing the finger and me bearing the brunt of it. Why should I and why should you ?

But now, after the pain, it seems that the sea was always rough, not because of the winds but because of what it was.... !! I made the mistake of waiting for the seas to become placid which they never do.... a sea is never placid like a lake, it only gets rougher !!

PS - But I now like the quiet after the raging storm...
I know i have seen the worst and survived it... :)

Footloose... :-)

Traveling is something I have always fancied. It is a long standing dream of mine to travel the world. So when someone once asked my why I love traveling, the question sounded strange in a very big way. It was something I had so wanted for so long that I never questioned why I wanted it... ;)

Strange as it may sound, this question really made me ponder and every time i read a travelogue or wanted to visit a place, I tried questioning myself. At the end of nearly a month, I realized that every time I read about a place or a person, I wanted to see that place or person with my own eyes. I wanted to watch the world that groomed him and the world that he shaped. I was never happy with these second hand accounts of people and their places, of the food they had and of the experiences they had. The vignettes of the world only whetted my appetite for travel more than ever.

I never wanted to accept it when someone said that Venice is beautiful with its inland waterways that connect the city like the roads that do here. I wanted to experience the magic, the history and the romance of that city before I decide whether or not to like it.

I realized that i will never be happy with people and their experiences. I want to travel by the Gondolas, see the Venetians going about their business, traveling on boats. I want to experience the local history and the local cuisine. I want to live first hand everything that I have read and heard about this charming city.

I want to see and feel the pulse of the town which in someways is a depiction of man's victory over nature, of mankind's strength and intellect and perhaps mankind's eventual downfall (Venice is a rapidly sinking city and the recent green house effect is only hastening its demise).

Imagine a group of fleeing citizens deciding to build a new city on water to defend themselves and their property. Imagine them becoming a huge enterprising society of traders as they built a whole new city in the marshes by making wooden stilts all the way through. That is amazing ingenuity! Who at that time would have predicted that a group of people, escaping the raiders would end up becoming one of the richest states, supplying luxury goods to the whole of Europe and leaving their mark on world history for decades to come !! That is Venice, which is today called the romantic capital of the world. With its modest beginnings, Venice reached its peaks of glory and then succumbed to the vicissitudes of pleasure as it became the pleasure capital of the world and then disappeared of the world stage. Today it stands as a popular tourist destination due to its inland water ways... but people rarely find out about the beginnings of this city and its growth.

But this is the history that fascinates me.
The progress of a city from its birth on water through nothing but human skill and labor to its becoming the pleasure capital of the world and ultimately its slipping into oblivion (I mean Venice is not really a hot tourist destination... its popular but this popularity is nothing compared to its life in the last century!) .

I want to travel the world but not just to experience the Eiffel tower at night or the Swiss Alps in snow, but to live the world and to become one with the world. I want to travel through the streets of Morocco, through the ruins of Machu Pichchu and Mohenjodaro, through the wilderness of african grasslands to the present day bustling cities of New York and Manhattan. I want to see the world and the people that make it, in light of their past and their history.

I want to see the mountains and the hills, the seas and the oceans, the deserts and the oases, the grasslands and the forests... I want to make them all a part of me and I want to become a part of them.

Now, this question only left me wondering about how someone cannot want to see the world and know about all its peoples and cultures... But, i know people are different and this is just one of the many differences that can possibly be...

I guess, I am a traveler who revels in the learning and whose passion for photography only adds to the wanderlust. I guess, I am a little footloose in wanting to explore the world but it at least gives me a whole lot to look forward to. It gives me a dream and It makes the means worth the end... :-)